THE Garrett Cook?

Chainsaw Noir

2011-04-27T14:29:00.000-07:00

Recent research has shown me something interesting: there is little intersection between people that enjoy my work and people that enjoy poorly built websites. VERY little. I've heard this brought up before. So, with a lot of help, I've launched a new, more aesthetically pleasing blog. Enjoy the stuff that's already here, you'll find the odd nugget of wisdom and piece of flash fiction in the archives, but for new material, you want to go HERE

That's http://chainsawnoir.wordpress.com. I'll see you there.

I Need You to Understand (a flash fiction piece)

2011-04-18T15:05:00.000-07:00

Something awful has happened, Lyle. You have gotta believe me. I know that I am a representative of the liberal Jew run media, but I’m telling you the truth. You are decapitated. It seems like a difficult thing to process, I know, especially since your head is not attached to you and quite frankly, Lyle you weren’t the sharpest tool in the shed anyhow. Not nearly so sharp as the machete that detached your head. You’re a dumb fuck, Lyle. A dumb, headless fuck.

You remember how last night I called you up and I told you I had a tip that a bunch of coeds were decapitated by a machete? It’s okay, take a second. You’re a little slow. Because you’re fucking headless. I’m sure if I were headless my memory wouldn’t be so great. Don’t call me names, Lyle. I’m trying to help you remember why you’re headless. But you are, Lyle. You are headless. Shit…okay, this is hurting my argument. Let me just jog your memory. You remember now? Yeah. You remember the call? Good. Remember you told me I was a liar? Then I told you to check your daughter’s room? And then you found her body, on the bed, in the puddle. And her head was under the bed. And somebody had stuffed all of those red crayons into her vagina.

Then do you remember what you said to me? You told me to stop making up stories or you’d put me in the drunk tank. And you did. You lectured me on making up stories. Told me you didn’t have time for my shit when a serial killer was loose. You didn’t seem to make the connection. It’s okay. Take a second. No, I didn’t just make that up. Then this girl gets wheeled in, headless, bunch of red crayons in her pussy.

And I screamed and I said “I told you so” and still you kept me in there for another hour til they brought in another girl. Naked. Stump where her head should be. Red crayons? You remember the crayons now, don’t you? It happened. Wasn’t just what the Jews paid me to say. And you looked at the body and you looked at me and you decided to look into this weird machete decapitator theory.

So we got into the squad car and you turned on talk radio and they said that murder didn’t exist. And so you hauled me back in and it took two more victims getting wheeled in headless with dozens of red crayons in their cooches before you decided that maybe this murder theory had some legs. So you remember that now? Yeah? Good. That was really fucking tiresome, Lyle. If you weren’t my brother, I might have sued you or something.

So you got a call on your police radio that a great big, hulking guy wearing an Archie mask and carrying a dripping machete was seen outside of a sorority house. At first, you insisted it was some kind of rush prank. But then you saw the guy and decided you’d shoot him for participating in such an insensitive rush prank. So we got out of the car, you took aim at this hulk of a man wearing an Archie mask and you reprimanded him for skulking around outside a sorority house waving a machete around when a serial killer was loose. The guy survived three shots to the chest, then chopped your head off and left you here, headless in front of a sorority house full of screaming girls.

Even though you have somehow figured out how to survive without a head, Lyle, I severely doubt that you will ever make sheriff.

Kizuna: Fiction for Japan

2011-04-15T11:56:00.001-07:00

When the Japan disaster happened, I was devastated. A great nation was hit by nature's worst and a lot of my friends and colleagues live there. To add to this, I saw this:

The sentiments of some of America's most disgusting white trash. I ranted, I raved, I got mad. Still wasn't doing anything. That's why I was glad to see Brent Millis, a Bizarro/scifi author who has been living and raising a family in Japan had started a charity anthology to help out. I'm honored to be part of this project, which features great authors from all around the world showing that they care with works of short fiction. All proceeds from this anthology will go to Japanese disaster relief. Keep an eye on it HERE

Review of The Sorrow King by Andersen Prunty

2011-04-12T11:12:00.000-07:00

Sweet Virginia who the peasants call the goddess of gloom… Edgar’s blues are just like Tom Thumbs. Sweet Virginia, vanquished Virginia, Virginia Lenore, Virginia Lee. Each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon his floor. He cries and trembles like the great old Florentine, architect of Dis cried over another little girl. They live forever and they ache forever, revenants of ruin like Mary Shelley’s flattopped green miscarriage. Grief is invincible, grief fucks your head. Grief is terror. Andersen Prunty deals with this relationship in a direct raw, yet altogether fun way in his latest, The Sorrow King from Cargo Cult Press.
The peace of Gethsemane, Ohio has been disturbed. Not the kind of peace that can be disturbed by teenage hooligans or loud parties, no, but a deeper peace, the heart of the town. This heart is breaking, it is beating fast with fear and threatens to stop. The horror obsessed over by Steven King and many before him (even Mary Shelley whose bolt-necked stillborn babe continues to terrify) has come to pass through an epidemic of teenage suicides. The why of it all has disappeared in favor of “who’s next?” There’s a tragic realism to this response, a reminder that depression is a mystery to so many. It hearkens back to Heathers, which shares many traits with The Sorrow King, including sardonic brutality and stylized but real young people.
The Sorrow King’s protagonists Steven and Connor are experiencing flashes of greater insight, cryptic clues that reveal where the sickness will strike next and that the two of them are quite possibly in the middle of it all. Steven is a real, listless teenager, with real listless teenage depression and real, listless teenage urges. Steven’s dad, Connor is somewhere between a sitcom caricature of a cool dad and a real life cool dad. Much of The Sorrow King is about their relationship is about their relationship, which is that of two men who have come together after the loss of Steven’s mother and one of two people who cannot comprehend the mysteries of depression and grief.
In the midst of death and despair, Steven develops an obsession that turns to love. Steven sees the enigmatic Elise walking the town at night and begins to join her. Their friendship turns quickly into love, but a love challenged by coldness and sexual distance. Prunty builds this relationship with an authentic blend of melancholia and wonder that perfectly characterizes highschool relationships. The relationship dissolves and Steven finds himself facing the power of guilt and sex through dark visions. For instance, in a particularly chilling scene, he encounters the sperm spilled during a handjob and it presents him with an awful truth.
As the book progresses the two men must do battle with a creature like Goethe’s Erl King, King’s Pennywise and perhaps Poe’s Conqueror Worm, an incarnation of grief that springs forth from the mysteries of depression and the human heart. Those who’ve read Zerostrata, Something Wicked This Way Comes and King’s New England will find The Sorrow King both alien and familiar, strange and undeniably human like grief and depression themselves.

The Sorrow King from Grindhouse Press is now available at Amazon.com.

BUY IT HERE

Art for Sale

2011-04-06T07:31:00.000-07:00

I post a lot seeking work and reminding you that my books are available. Why do I do this? Because I am poor. It is hard to make money off one's art. I think things will get better after the Jimmy Plush release, but up until then, I've got to look for ways to make some extra money without begging and without cheating you fine people. When I was young, I wanted to be a painter, but was told I couldn't because of a lack of coordination and spatial sense. Instead, I learned to paint with words and poetry and construct images and worlds and states of mind. A few years ago, my girlfriend Leza suggested I try painting. I was reluctant at first, but I found myself enjoying it. I created this painting "The Magician".

Turned out I liked painting. And I've done it occasionally over the past couple years. I made one of my paintings my profile photo on Facebook and people responded very favorably, making me think maybe I had something. And what I shouldn't have is fear. So, I took my poverty as a blessing, understood is a receptive state and said to hell with it. I've decided to sell some of my paintings. The first painting, "The Magician" can be yours for just 25 dollars plus 12 for shipping (domestic) and there are others too.

This one is called Instinct. I painted it shortly before writing Archelon Ranch and I think it sparked a lot of the imagery I used in that book. I considered asking Matt and Rob from Legumeman if I could use this for a cover, but I lost my nerve. It is one of a kind and it sells for just 25 dollars plus 12 shipping. One of a kind, comes with a free piece of flash fiction.

$25+ 12 shipping

This next painting, "A Shearsman of Sorts, the Day Was Green" is bigger than the other one and has more sentimental value. It has inspired me and I hope it will inspire you. It's inspired by Wallace Stevens' poem "Man With the Blue Guitar", which in turn is inspired by Picasso's painting of the same name. This painting is a different figure, though, powerful but sort of malevolent, waiting and expecting something. This one is charged with a lot of creative energy, so would be a boon to have in your study or studio space.

35 dollars plus 20 shipping

The next painting is also weird and special. I had a tarot deck that was no longer serving me and I had just acquired a new one, so I decided I would do something that honored some of the cards while at the same time getting them out of my hair. So I wet them, tore them, stuck them to the canvas and painted three figures over them. I think you'll agree that they have a certain strange resonance to them. I call it "Gentleman Automata" because that's what the three figures make me think of, especially the pink penguinish fellow to the left.

40 dollars plus 20 shipping

Update: Decided to add another two of my earlier paintings. This is a smaller one, so is pretty inexpensive and won't cost as much to ship. But I think some of you might enjoy it.

15 dollars plus 8 dollars shipping

The lighting on this photo of the painting isn't great. The background is much lighter. This painting brings with it a certain sense of wellbeing and peace. I'm proud of how positive and nice this one is.

20 dollars plus 12 shipping

Thanks for looking at my art. If you like it, it can be yours.

Just So You Know

2011-04-03T10:45:00.000-07:00

I am currently available to do manuscript critiques and edits, consult with authors regarding small presses that might be appropriate for their work and overall make the small press world a slightly easier place. Price negotiable. I have worked as submissions editor for Evil Nerd Empire and Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens and have edited four books thus far. I am most familiar with horror and Bizarro publishers, but all genres are welcome. Email gacookeditor@gmail.com

Birds and the Bees: Sex ed 2013

2011-03-18T11:43:00.000-07:00

zRecently, in Texas an 11 year old was raped by 28 young men. Conservatives are saying it was her fault for dressing provocatively. The definition of forcible rape is changing. Someday, it will not exist. Let's peek in at a trailer home two years from now, shall we?

Rebel, my boy, sit down. Not there. Not on that chair. That's my other good chair. Man works his ass off from 35 years and he don't have a right to two chairs? On the floor, you piece of shit, sit down on the floor! This is important, dammit! Now you had better fucking listen, because I ain't gonna say this twice. You're sixteen and I think it's high time I taught you about...you know. YOU KNOW. What do you mean, you don't know? I'm talking, you dumb little shit, about sex. You know, sex? Yeah, I bet you know, sex. No, I know. You're a good boy, Rebel.

I'm sure you notice your sister's gettin' a little chunky. No, it ain't the tatertot bacon grilled cheese casserole. Your sister's with child. Don't you call your sister a whore! She was a good girl. I'm the man of the house, I asked for what was mine and she gave it to me. Barely cried. Earned her ice cream cone like a champ, so don't you call her a whore. Byron was tellin' me his daughter aborted his son. Can you imagine that? Little bitch killin' her own brother? I raised you two better than that, din't I? I raised you with The Lord.

Anyhow, your sister's with child because I stuck my...you know what...in her and I gave her my seed and the Lord saw it fit that she should bless this trailer with another boy. When you stick your...you know...in a girl...the Lord might see it fit that you bless your trailer with a boy. But first, you gotta court her. You might think you're s'posed to just wait by her car, choke her when she's gettin' in and demand she pull down her panties so you can just have your way with her. Not so. That, my boy, is rape and we ain't rapists in this family. Things get complicated here.

Now, if she's wearing a tightass little skirt, she's tellin' you she wants it. Then you can disregard what I told ya. Bitch is beggin' for it. That's how you came about. If she's dressed respectable like, you're gonna have to buy her a drink. And then you slip one of these badboys in there when she's in the bathroom. You talk to her 'bout her interests and shit til she gets sleepy and then you can bring her home and do your business, make yourself a son. And you raise him good like I raised you. Now tell your sister to get in here. I'm gonna show you some of the particulars.

Badger Cab

2011-03-01T10:35:00.000-08:00

There was a woman that witnessed something terrible some gangsters did. Nobody was sure what it was. Not even she really knew. But the gangsters must have known since they objected to her knowing this. They somehow found out what cab she rode home in and while the cab driver was at his favorite Gingerbread House restaurant enjoying a gingerbread house, they filled the back seat of the cab with honey badgers. She got in the cab and was ripped to shreds since there were no action heroes in the cab. There are no action heroes but plenty of gangsters.

Serial Experiment Part 5

2011-02-21T14:08:00.001-08:00

Experiment Part 4

"FUCK YOU!" he screamed at the light, the poetry, the hope, the mercy. She came to him lucky, about to rest, white haired, bloody angel. She came to him close to the quiet that was the best that men could hope for and he awakened her into the world of screaming and sorrow. He did not apologize for the things he did to people, no matter how loathsome and yet an "I'm sorry" almost crept past the wall of nihilism he had erected to keep out these and similar sentiments.

"Thank you," she said.

A lecture. A dismissive sneer. A derisive laugh. All possibilities. All in character. If there weren't a kind of blank canine sincerity in her brown eyes he would have thought that she was trying to mock him.

"You're welcome," he said. He meant it.

"I believe my name is Elsie," she said. She was proud. It meant something to be her, even if she could not tell what it was. He thought of the first time he called himself Robby Graves, screamed it into the microphone. Abrakadabra. Something else. An explosion of possibility. Not so much that she thought her name was Elsie, but that she knew this one fact and it deeply effected her beliefs. He trembled a little at the static charge of her assertion.

"It's nice to meet you, Elsie." It was nice to meet her. It was scary to meet her. He shouldn't have met her. She was dead. It was still nice to meet her.

"Do you have a name?" she asked.

"Yes," he said. He was hesitant to give it. He did not know which one to give or if either of them was right to describe what he was becoming.

"Is it a secret?" It was not sarcasm. It was perfectly legitimate question. If he were at the top of his smarmy, pseudospiritual depression junkie form, he would have said, "yes, but I'll tell it to you anyway."

"Robby. Robby Graves." She laughed at the pun. When she was done laughing at the pun, she laughed at another joke, one she kept private. It was cutting, truthful and funnier than the pun. He had an inkling what it was, but he would not have laughed at it. He did not ask what was so funny. She felt selfconscious about that.

"Is that your real name?" she asked.

"Sure, I guess."

She fell to the floor weeping and shaking as if kicked down by an invisible ogre. She folded her arms against her chest. He backed off, afraid to touch her, to do something about whatever celestial ailment left her in this position. He waited, knowing that it would pass, but that whatever had brought it on would linger.

She stood up straight, hugged him.

"We have to get out of here. Someone bad is coming."

Serial Experiment Part 3

2011-02-14T16:33:00.000-08:00

This is section 3 of the Serial Experiment I've been doing with Ash Lomen. For info on the experiment and the first two sections, click the links below:

Serial Experiment Part 1

Factory Boys Serial Experiment Part 2

Part 3

Beloved Elsie, child of moonglow
Softer than fresh snow
If only you could know
The warmth that you've brought

Beloved Elsie, fire of destiny
Right hand of insanity
If only you could know the
Disaster you have wrought

Earthlight was singing. Name almost familiar. The voice was Summer rain. Not too heavy to make trouble. No hurry to get home. She would not catch cold. Second verse hurt, but it was strangely nonjudgmental. Simply what she was, whatever that was. She remembered a crowd gathered to watch a frightful looking man, a giant with a heavily scarred face. He was at a podium speaking. Looked scary, but nobody was afraid. In fact, they felt good being near him. They loved him. Without question, without hesitation, with the purest of intentions, they loved him. She felt like crying at the thought that somebody so frightful was so loved. She wondered if anyone had loved her so much as this man who loved and was loved as the Earthlight loved.

Beloved Elsie, brought forth in starshine
You'll understand in time
All of the things that you forget
You could live without regret...

The man who loved and was loved so much shakes, twists, contorts in pain. She hurts too, looking at it. The crowd hurts. Please, he is big, he is old, he is powerful, he will live...someone would have to listen to that prayer, someone would have to know how much everybody needs this man to survive. He gives one last pained look, asking why and knowing that the only one who could answer it would never tell him. Somewhere among the crowd, a bad man smiles. He must have been a part of it. It looks like he really wanted it. Somebody do something. Somebody save him, somebody do something about that man! Either man. The man everyone loves dies and the man who had to be the only one who did not love him flees the scene.

If this mistake has to be made
If this justice is delayed
Open your eyes, don't be afraid...

She opens her eyes. The face she sees is full of fear, full of misery, afraid of the dark, afraid of the light.

"I'm sorry," he says, not knowing what he has to apologize about.

Serial Experiment Part 1

2011-02-13T04:57:00.000-08:00

So, I've been a bit on edge lately. I'm always a bit on edge. But, I've been waiting on edits and responses to a few queries and getting back to writing short fiction and thus my creativity and writing have been erratic. So I decided to take some initiative and jumpstart my brain again. Horror artist and Bizarro and horror author Alan Clark has a great book of fiction out called Boneyard Babies, made up mostly of collaborative efforts. Fantastic, experimental stuff. I will be reviewing it more thoroughly in the first issue of Nuckelavee. He describes a great writing game called Bone Grubber's Gamble. I decided to try it, so I got in touch with horror/Bizarro poet and author Ash Lomen and we tried it. Twice. Both times the stuff was good. So I decided to try another game. One more indepth with more longterm results. Each of us makes up a character. Sends details on the character to the other one. This is the first viewpoint character. The second one, we make up for ourselves. So, the story will be told from four perspectives two made up by Ash, two made up by me. When all four viewpoint characters have been introduced, we can use any perspective we like. If you want to follow this serial, you will need to follow both blogs, where we'll be taking turns posting sections of the story. I'm getting things started with the character Ash created for me. Lights go up on Gothrocker Robby Graves.

“I am the insurrection and the blight,
There’s a reason that I just go out at night
And all the little girls they spread legs wide
Because I take pride
At bein’ more dead than alive inside
And I will treat you like a slut
I will make you cut and cut
Cause we are only human when we bleed
And I’m becomin’ somethin’ worse
I’m becomin’ somethin’ worse than me…”

Robby Graves was more a consumptive than a rockstar, not singing, but spitting lifeforce that he couldn’t spare whenever he stepped up to the mike. A bleeder, a junkie, a proud lost cause that made stray martyrs long to strap dynamite to their chest. Girls caked in thick white makeup held up scarred wrists to reveal deep devotion cuts, tore off their tops and waved pierced, sliced and cigarette burned breasts that could be his if he offered only so much as his attention. They loved him for his long blonde hair, his bare chest and his message of existential surrender. He could never love any of them.

“Least favored son of Morningstar
I slash my wrists with my guitar
And I’m becomin’ somethin’ worse than me…”

A smiling Japanese schoolgirl in the front row stuck a sharp tanto into her belly. Twisted it. The smile never left her as she bled out everything inside. He stopped singing, absorbed in the spectacle. He was not surprised, he was not impressed, he was envious. He wished he could give something like that. Perfect display of Zen nihilism. Mastery of elegant empty. He walked out, went to his van. He needed a hit.

Cried, but didn’t shoot up. The drugs didn’t work anymore.The cuts went away. When he used his groupies, they developed an eerie sense of contentment and well being, the cuts on their wrists vanished as his had and their eyes opened to life, while his desire was always to lead them to the clemency of death. He didn’t like this. The drugs didn’t work anymore. The cuts went away. He had been dreaming of angels with the heads of white rabbits.

He took a handful of pills, begged his body to surrender, didn’t want to die necessarily, not for good, just to be away from the things that were him. What he’d always wanted. He was, in a way, getting it. He closed his eyes, concentrated. Meditated on disappearing. Black. Blank. Enveloped. Empty. Hollow.

Thud.

Something banged against the van. He opened the door, stepped out to find a dead girl on the ground face down. In spite of her white hair, she looked like she was barely out of high school, perhaps even young enough to be a junior or senior. He rolled her over, hoping to get a good look at her face. He regretted that. The spark he tried so desperately to suppress filled him, felt tiny traces of life left in her, sought to fill her too. He begged it not to, but it wouldn’t listen.

End of section 1.

Keep your eyes on Ash Lomen's blog for section 2.

Will Work for Brains

2011-02-03T09:57:00.000-08:00

Looking round, one can't deny
That brains are in quite short supply
First portioned unevenly
Then rotted out by MTV
And we shattered several tiny minds
When we left every child behind.

Where does that leave the living dead
When they seek out their daily bread?
The werewolf gives a mighty howl
Which could endear him to Simon Cowell
And vampires now pose no threat
But get the teenage girls all wet
But zombies have no way with words
Because they all lack vocal chords
And it's hard to look sexy and sulky and wan
When your face is mostly gone.

Back in the days of antiquity,
There was no threat of zombie ubiquity
And zombies needn't ever compete
Over whose head they would get to eat.
The shamblers now hit record highs
And whenever anybody dies
They join the ravening unemployed ranks
Chewing on heads that just shoot blanks.

Now what remains of these remains
Hold up their signs "Will Work for Brains"
With zombies in Jane Austen now
Zombie pigs and goats and cows
And thus zombie originality
Gets oft eclipsed by banality.

With hordes of hordes of things around
We keep our gazes to the ground
And we gotta let the genre rot
When zombie Austen's the best it's got
But remember back when zombie fun
Was an illicit thrill second to none?

Want healthy zombie's? Here's a tip
Feed the genre, help John Skipp!

Rose, the zombie puppet musical has 21 days left on Kickstarter! Feed the zombies!

Rose on Kickstarter

Archelon Ranch on Kindle!

2011-01-15T17:50:00.000-08:00

Archelon Ranch has been available as an ebook for awhile, but now it's available on Kindle! For just 4.99 experience the twists, the turns, the terrors and the truths of Archelon Ranch. Your Kindle will thank you.

Archelon Ranch on Kindle

Loosing the Nuckelavee

2011-01-11T12:10:00.000-08:00

The Nuckelavee is something that is THIS awful.

It is my favorite mythical grotesquerie. Not horse, not fish, not man, not faerie. A brutal, disgusting thing. As weird as it is frightful, as frightful as it is weird.

As of today, I'm running an ezine. A dreadful thing, where horror and Bizarro mix and mingle, grotesque, hard to define. Reviews, interviews, stories, poems, commentary, all are welcome.

Go HERE to find out more.

Merry Posthuman Zombie Christmas, Charlie Brown!: A Blockhead's Inferno

2010-12-23T16:09:00.001-08:00

A holiday gift of sorts. I do not own any of the characters used in this poem and mean the utmost respect to Charles M. Schultz and his creations, but this idea was too much fun to pass up. Thanks for the inspiration, Charles! And here's the poem

Merry Posthuman Zombie Christmas, Charlie Brown! A Blockhead's Inferno

In time of greatest loneliness and hurt,
When I had no solace, no comfort and no gang
I woke up and put on my zig zag shirt

Found a chair and a rope in hope that I might hang
With nuclear winter and zombie hordes outside
And every man a foaming, rabid thing

“Good grief!” I thought, “Would it matter if I died
With the awful hand this wasted world’s been dealt.”
When a shade with a blue blanket appeared at my side.

Had I gone mad for all the things I felt?
I jumped to my feet, the figure I embraced
“Could that be my old friend Linus Van Pelt

The theologian and academic disgrace,
The paragon of decency and clarity?”
“Charlie Brown,” he said, “I’ve come bearing advice

And hope to cure your terror and temerity,
I dwell in death by The Great Pumpkin’s throne,
Rewarded forever for a lifetime of sincerity

He saw that it’s Christmas time and you’re alone
In a postapocalyptic zombie wasteland
And since his ways are gentle and divine

He thought that I should come lend you a hand.”
“Good grief,” said I, “your words are hard to swallow!”
“Tis true,” he said, “I come at his command

I’m here to lead you, I just ask that you follow.”
I shrugged and I muttered “good grief” in the normal fashion
I’d keep my life although it felt quite hollow

I took his hand and we proceeded outside with caution
To avoid the fangs of radioactive ghouls
In roving gangs reacting with aggression

At those misguided and deluded fools
That went outside with requisite abandon
That they should gamble with their organs and their souls

In hopes that they would be the last one standing
But awaiting me outside instead of struggle
Was the wooden house of my old canine companion

And sitting atop, of course my dear dead beagle
He motioned for us to come join him and my heart softened
To see my dear friend in his aviator goggles

Though a doghouse is an odd thing to go aloft in
The beagle was just as much eagle as he was mammal
A suitable foe indeed for Von Richtoffen

Doghouse was in his heart a Sopwith camel
And little dog a Hercules and a Sampson
Felt warm and safe until I heard a rumble

And saw behind us a Fokker painted crimson
Brave Snoopy’s house weaved past the spitting Spandaus,
Shot back with his Vickers like many a noble Briton

Who’d lost his life fulfilling wartime vows
But who better than a dog to be in a dogfight
Taking on the Red Baron in a doghouse

Though we shook and flew rough, the ace laughed in delight
Even with the hungry Fokker seeking blood
For the Baron was having just as hard a flight

And with his Vickers Snoopy mad himself understood
That things would not turn out as the Kaiser planned
And that it would do the Germans little good

To avenge the murder of Archduke Ferdinand
It was looking ludicrous and not quite sane
The Baron’s plane seemed destined for the ground.

Smoke billowed from the wing of the Baron’s plane
And the dying Fokker started to spin and reel,
And Manfred Von Richtoffen once again went down

So Snoopy’s nemesis had his fate sealed
I’d seen it before and damn it wasn’t pretty
What hits the ground, the dead take for a meal

They tear through skin with teeth that have no pity
Swallowing hearts and livers and chomping intestines
We flew past the carnage to other parts of the city

To continue to validate my bleak existence
Snoopy idled the plane above a fenced in compound
So I could see a sight for which I was destined

There was a girl in black leather and men were gathered round
As she swayed about in her mock ecstasy
Imagining themselves bruised, beaten bound

Said Linus “is that not a sight to see?
Before you is my crabby sister Lucy
Who could make no living at nickel psychiatry

She’s found a niche being teasing and abusive
She might not give you a chance to kick that football
But other offers aren’t quite as elusive.”

And outside seeking to make the fence fall
Was Freida without her naturally curly hair
I laughed to see the arrogant bitch gone bald

It would have been too much for her to bear
Amidst the zombies, Marcy was gnawing Patty
Her sandaled superior no longer called sir

Among them Pigmen no longer seemed ratty
Each one had a cloud of flies and nasty odor
A toothless Peggie Jean, no longer pretty

Wouldn’t make me shy, but I pitied Schroder
Still pounding idly away at his toy piano
Rewarded with only noise for his musical fervor

I broke down and begged for Linus to let me go
“Why take me out here and show me the world I sick?”
Gentle Linus replied, “I’ve one thing one thing left to show

You.” I trusted him and knew that it was no trick
For Linus Van Pelt was a man of piety
Snoopy landed at an empty lot where Linus showed me a stick

Not quite a stick, for pine needles clung to it idly
First green I’d seen to whether the disaster
He said “once you would have called this thing a Christmas tree

And trimmed it with all the caring you could muster
It lives, though society has tumbled down.
Keep this tree and here’s a nickel to pay for my sister.”

They flew me home quick and left me on my own
And called behind them with utmost holiday cheer
“Merry Posthuman Zombie Christmas, Charlie Brown!”

And Merry Christmas to my fans, my friends, my family and my Bizarro cohorts!

BEEP BOOP BEEP TRON? JULIAN ASSANGE?

2010-12-12T12:04:00.000-08:00

No doubt inspired by Tron Legacy, a popular film I am mentioning to pad my hit count, Legumeman Books are selling their ebooks for only 1.99. Get transgressive and exciting titles like Archelon Ranch, Dinnerbell for the Dreamworms, A Million Versions of Right, Spare Key and 10 A Boot 20 Stomping a Human Face 30 Go to 10 downloaded to your computer bookreading machine for dirt cheap! And the best part is, for those of you who want to defend controversial WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, who, like Legumeman is also from Australia, you don't have to buy these books on Amazon. In fact, you get them from Smashwords.

And if you do like buying books from Amazon, you can buy the print versions from Amazon. It's a pretty sweet deal for everyone. Australians of all kinds need your money.

Julian Assange, shown here being exploited for crass commercialism. He looks sort of like Dr. Who's Matt Smith.

Australian Jeff Bridges impersonator Matthew Revert, one of the founders of Legumeman books.

Bizarro Holiday Guide

2010-12-08T18:54:00.001-08:00

So, you're looking for some gifts for the man/woman/transsexual werewolf who has everything. Not surprisingly, I have a solution for you. It's always good when people know what to buy when we don't, right? Right? Hmmm. Turns out I don't care how you reply to that sucker. Because I will not let good taste get in the way of selling you books that I believe in. FIVE books that I believe in.

1. The Deadheart Shelters by Forrest Armstrong

Mellow, sentimental, showing touches of hiphop, Romanticism and surrealism, this book bleeds heartache and genius. For fans of Jodorowsky, Lynch and poetry in all its forms, or for those seeking a thoughtful gift that is thoughtful in every sense of the word, I recommend The Deadheart Shelters by Forrest Armstrong. Hip hop poetics and a powerful imagination along with a genuine passion for the word makes this transcendently wonderful.

BUY IT

2. Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy

You have a friend who laughs at inappropriate moments? Who has an absurd sense of humor, a love of the nonsequitur and a disdain for the mundane? Don't just get him a box set of Adult Swim crap.You could. Or you could get him this kickass book with a kickass title by Bizarro writer Bradley Sands. Poetry about Die Hard, Leatherface, Shakespeare and more, poetry that will make them laugh until they shit themselves.

http://www.amazon.com/Sorry-I-Ruined-Your-Orgy/dp/1936383152/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1291867360&sr=1-1

3. King Scratch

It's hard to shop for the true cult film geek. The dude who has a Pieces poster over his bed and celebrates Fritz Lang's birthday with a Scarlet Street/Woman in the Window double feature. You know in the end you're gonna lose your balls and give them an Amazon gift card, which, while it's basically good as cash, isn't too thoughtful and is a coward's way out. Jordan Krall's King Scratch is the sleaziest, weirdest, cult noir nightmare ever, a phatasmagoric literary journey like nothing they've ever read. Golden showers, Lincoln's assassin, a trunk full of babies...truly cult. Truly cool.

http://www.amazon.com/King-Scratch-Jordan-Krall/dp/0955693861/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1291867945&sr=1-1

4.Apeshit by Carlton Mellick III

The gorehound in your life might also have a Pieces poster. But he probably thinks that movie wasn't brutal enough. He's probably grown weary of Argento and Jason and everything that people think is the slasher film, even though he owns them all and loves them like family members. Apeshit is what a gorehound's parents think the filth they were watching is. Apeshit revolves the most perverted group of teens ever and they're out in the woods and...horrible things is what. Let the sicko you buy this for find out what. Even if you are that sicko, no fun ruining the surprise!

http://www.amazon.com/Apeshit-Carlton-Mellick-III/dp/1933929766/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1291868570&sr=1-1

5. Bizarro Starter Kit Purple

Ten Bizarro novellas by ten awesome talents. Yes, one of them is me. But I think I'm pretty good. Keep this for yourself.

http://www.amazon.com/Bizarro-Starter-Kit-purple/dp/1936383209/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1291868650&sr=1-1

See Into the Future

2010-11-01T17:43:00.000-07:00

I'm always looking for fun new ways to interact with my readers and give you cool stuff to read. And because sometimes I have a large number or projects on my plate or circumstances outside my control delay them, there is a wait between books. Well, right now, I'm putting finishes touches on several pieces that might someday be either novellas sold individually or pieces of collections. From an Archelon Ranch sequel to a pitchblack Bizarro fairytale, to genrebending noir to metafictional madness, I'm doing some of the most unusual and risque projects I've ever done and I want to let you in on the process. Writers used to be reclusive, used to keep the creative process a mystery and used to do everything to make sure readers did not see their work in its most vulnerable state. But, I'm going to let you in on things. For 3.99, you can get my precognitive sampler, a PDF containing the opening sections of five different novellas and novelettes, all nearing completion. Get a secret glimpse into the future works of an up and coming Bizarro writer. And when you're done, don't be afraid to let me know what you think, what you like, what you hate, what you want to see more of, what you want to see less of. Does this future look bright or are there other routes you would like to see me go? Let me know. I care.

Update: Sale is temporarily suspended until I return from the trip to Portland I embark on tomorrow. I don't want anybody waiting ten days for me to send them this.

Special News for my 100th Post

2010-10-26T19:33:00.000-07:00

I don't write in this blog nearly enough, but I've managed to reach 100 posts. And for this 100th post, I'm glad to be able to bring you some good news. My novelette Re-Mancipator is appearing in The Bizarro Starter Kit:Purple. Yes, I won the First Annual Ultimate Bizarro Showdown, yes I've appeared twice in The Magazine of Bizarro Fiction, yes, I've had whiskey and bacon with Carlton Mellick at 2 in the morning, but this feels like it makes me a member of the Bizarro family in a more tangible way than ever before. I am grateful to all the people in the Bizarro community that have supported me and published my work, Jeremy Needle, Jeff Burk, Rose O' Keefe, Matt Revert, Robert Frederick Hamilton, Carlton Mellick, Jonathan Moon...thanks, everybody. You guys are awesome. You helped me manifest and become real. And I'm in damn good company in this anthology. Check out who's in there:
Russell Edson – prose poems
Athena Villaverde – Clockwork Girl
David Agranoff – Punkupines of the Apocalypse
Matthew Revert – three stories
Andrew Goldfarb – comics
Jeff Burk – Cripple Wolf
Garrett Cook – Re-Mancipator
Kris Saknussemm – Sparklewheel
Cody Goodfellow – Homewreckers
Cameron Pierce – The Destroyed Room

A good lineup of cool people. Some I call friends and colleagues, some I hope to do so someday. I'm quite excited. Here's the Amazon link

Draculas Review (previously posted on Goodreads)

2010-10-17T10:44:00.001-07:00

DRACULAS by J.A. Konrath

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Draculas by J.A Konrath, Blake Crouch, Jeff Strand and F. Paul Wilson is something to get behind. Courage and innovation like this are in short supply. It's a bold experiment; an ebook by four noteable authors, full of special extras, telling a story from a multitude of perspectives. This is not what you expect from reputable, noteworthy authors of genre bestsellers. Draculas is an ebook that tells the story of a hospital beset by grotesque, deformed bloodsucking aberrations against nature, vampires closer to the repulsive revenants of Slavic folklore than to the byronic debonair fiends our culture has embraced. The characters are perhaps a bit cliche, but nonetheless likeable, the atmosphere cinematic, the gore the product of a Tom Savini or a Screaming Mad George. Sheer terror, splatstick and one very unsettling flesheating clown make this more than worthy of your attention. But when you add in free short fiction and interviews from the authors, you get a hell of a package, the sort of thing I hope to see more of. Support innovation and have a lot of Halloween fun doing it.

View all my reviews

Bonechilling Bizarro

2010-10-06T15:27:00.000-07:00

Halloween is upon us. It is getting colder, betting things are manifesting on television, people try on salacious costumes inappropriate for their age and/or body type. Death walks and he wants nothing from us but a funsize Snicker's bar. It's pretty awesome. But there's a way to make it more awesome. Are your eyes popping out of their sockets? Has your heart exploded? It's surprising, but it's true. Halloween can be better if you take a walk on the weird side.

That which should not be is innately scary to us, because it is wrong. We find ourselves regressing somewhat when faced by such things. Up is down, left is right, Sarah Palin is literate (okay, so nothing is that weird)and sometimes the road back to consensual reality is strewn with bones and bad memories. When the weird and the horrific come together, great experiences happen. Bizarro horror goes places you might not want to go but you'll be glad when you get there. Here are some titles that can gear you up for an unforgettable Halloween.

1.Apeshit by Carlton Mellick III

Something must be seriously wrong with me, because when I read this I was not shocked apalled or disgusted but surprised, enthralled and envious of Mellick's ability to make people cringe. This takes you beyond the boundaries of common decency into a naughty, naughty place. It is not the place where horror goes, but the place where fundamentalist Christians, Tipper Gore and your grandmother think it goes. For something to be not a work of horror but a work of what people too scared to look into horror think it is, is an incredible achievement.

2.Siren Promised by Jeremy Robert Johnson

Addiction, madness, violence, grit. Real person hells merge with places on the periphery of reality. It deconstructs, chills you to the bone. A thing of transcendent unapologetic hurt.

3.Carnageland by D.W Barbee

If you've been going down this list and purchasing things like an awesome Superman of calculated consumer cool and reading them, then you'll feel enlightened and when you stop twitching and writhing, you'll want a palate cleanser. Carnageland is a tweaked out ADD bastard child of Shrek and Invader Zim with plenty of gorehound fun to be had.

4.Slubglub in the Weird World of the Weeping Willows by Andrew Goldfarb

A fun existential Halloween special, richly illustrated by Bizarro polymath, huckster and Renaissance man Andrew Goldfarb. Don't pass this one up.

5. Morning is Dead by Andersen Prunty

Sort of a Lynchian take on Carnival of Souls and 50's science fiction. Hard to describe, hard to read, easy to love. Any of Prunty's books is a good bet. Smart, challenging horror excellence.

6.A Million Versions of Right by Matt Revert

Chances are, if you're human, you've felt afraid or uncomfortable with or because of your body. Body horror is usually about turning into a machine or an insect man. Seldom is it about flatulence, masturbation or any of the baser instincts going awry. A Million Versions of Right is a short story collection where these things rule the day. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll be embarassed for yourself and others. Some of these stories are as funny as things get, some as scary.

7. King Scratch by Jordan Krall

Krall is a friend and collaborator of mine with the most democratic, objective sense of taste I have ever encountered. Krall's truly admirable sense of cultural objectivity takes him into strange realms and will take you there too. King Scratch is one of the darkest of these nightworlds, a sleazenoir journey where perversity, cheapness and violence rule. King Scratch is a mischievous Walpurgisnacht of a book and if you're up for it, you'll be richly rewarded with a hell of a tale.

Of course,in addition to these, if you're looking for some scary weird fiction, you could do worse than the Murderland books and Archelon Ranch. But you're here, so I'm sure you know that.

Archelon Sequel, Archelon Praise, Crazy from the heat

2010-08-05T17:46:00.001-07:00

It is hot and I am exhausted. The caffeine sweats out faster than I would like. This is an understatement. One akin to "I doslightly fewer situps than I should." If you too are crazy from this heat, you should check out my book Archelon Ranch, a book about a world where global warming has brought back dinosaurs and people die to go outside and get cool and there's a church dedicated to the belief that everyone is living in a book and and and...and it was nominated from the Wonderland Award for excellence in Bizarro fiction. It's one of five Bizarro books handpicked by my peers as the best of the genre. If that's not enough reason to pick it up, then consider that if you don't buy it, you'll be in the dark when the Archelon Ranch sequel I am writing this hot, stupid Summer will be tough to read. And then what will you do? Cry? Just pay the 8.95 and feed your head.

Free 78 page echapbook

2010-07-21T08:56:00.000-07:00

This week, I've been giving out a gift to all those that purchase one of my books and I want to tell you all about it. I've informed my Facebook friends already and the people on Bizarrocentral, but maybe you don't know me through one of those places. It's easy.

Step 1 Buy one of my books
Step 2 Send me the sales rank at time of purchase. my email is thecentercannothold@gmail.com
Step 3 I send you the link through which you can download this echapook.

It's easy. It's fun. Get buyin'!

My Review of Jordan Krall's King Scratch on Goodreads

2010-07-15T09:49:00.000-07:00

King Scratch by Jordan Krall

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Jordan Krall's work redefines "cult", it redefines good taste and it takes you into awful places that you're nonetheless grateful that you went to. The word vertiginous comes to mind when I think of King Scratch, as in dizzying, as in challenging your sense of balance, as in spiraling downward, deeper into something dark and inexplicable. King Scratch is a vertiginous, dantesque night journey into a very special, very demented American Noir Hell of obscure starlets, golden showers and the assassination of Abraham Lincoln.

View all my reviews >>

WHAT? Now Eric Mays is interviewing me?

2010-07-09T13:29:00.000-07:00

So, first I interviewed Eric Mays, and then (get this) Eric Mays interviewed me. I recently joined the ranks of such prestigious authors as Joe Lansdale, Christopher Moore and Mario Acevedo by being interviewed for The Authors Speak, Eric Mays' great author interview blog. Wanna find out what I said? No? Well, you've got a lot of nerve! If you didn't say no as I assumed you would, click HERE.

An Author Speaks: Eric Mays on Naked Metamorphosis, Marley and Islamofascism

2010-07-01T13:37:00.001-07:00

I'm proud to be a part of Eric Mays' The Authors Speak Series. This series has more big names in it than a phonebook for old people. Eric Mays has done a lot for Bizarro fiction and literacy at large and has made a bold contribution to the Bizarro canon with his book, Naked Metamorphosis. Naked Metamorphosis is an absurdist vision of Hamlet, one subverted and perverted by a foreign hand that does not belong to the Bard of Avon. A couple weeks ago, via Facebook chat, I interviewed Eric Mays so that people can see more of what he's all about.

Nice to have you here, Eric. Thanks for agreeing to this.

Thank you for taking the time. You've got bigger contracts than I. I'm flattered to be here.

Well, thanks. I'd like to take a minuite and talk to you a bit about Naked Metamorphosis. Well, more than a minute of course.

Sure.

To those of who that don't know, Naked Metamorphosis is Eric's first book. It was released back in September from Eraserhead Press and it's kind of a Stoppardian and Kafkaesque riff on Hamlet.
The first question that comes to my mind is why Shakespeare?
Why not a more popular author like Bradley Sands or Josh Grogan?

Why not? First and foremost, Shakespeare is public domain so I don't have to worry about him showing up at the front door with a burrito to bludgeon me with (something I think Bradley Sands is known for).
But the stories the Bard wrote are some of the best literary molds out there - you deal with themes galore (I really do the think Shakes covered 'em all). It's the perfect thing to mold to your own will. He created a lot of storytelling lines and structure. I'm just coloring outside that.

Do you think the sparseness of Shakespeare, with its lack of stage directions and deepseated ambiguities lends itself to absurdism then?

I do. I'd like to think that Shakespeare was a wee bit absurdist (think of more of the fairies, and the witches, and there's always a bloody ghost). But, Shakespeare can be interpreted so many different ways - if you don't believe me, check out "Star Trek 6". I think I always knew Shakespeare was meant to be toyed with. The stories are, at the heart, fairly bland. It was when I heard Chris Plummer recite Shakespeare in Klingon that I knew, yeah...Shakes would have dug the hell out of this.

Also, look at Forbidden Planet.

Oooh, absolutely! I've consistently talked that one. Trouble is, Shakespearean scholars and "fans" hate reinterpretations. They hate thinking outside that box. I argued the Forbidden Planet with someone and got so infuriated at the unintelligence to see it that I nearly punched someone. It was a girl, though, and I don't hit girls.

That blows me away that that occurs so much because it's not like remaking a beloved 80s slasher flick. Shakespeare's work is over four hundred years old. It's elemental.
It's sort of one of the primal elements of today's literature.

Like I said, it's so mundane (in some respects) but establishes the foundations that people have employed for years. I really do think the Bard was leaving us a literary Etch-A-Sketch

He didn't even write stage directions for the most part.

Everything was open to interpretation.
I like to think he wanted us to cultivate our thoughts. Unfortunately in many circles, the opposite occurs.

With Shakespeare's own tendency to appropriate and reinterpret stories do you think he'd feel like a hypocrite to be the center of that kind of dogma?

I'd like to think the answer to that is "no", since it was not intentional. However, I'm sure the people arguing Shakespeare's work these days, don't have a clue. In my mind, Shakes just bitch slaps them and moves on.

Good answer. Instead of Hamlet, you've chosen Horatio as your central figure. Why Horatio?

Because Horatio was the most neutral. You've got the royals who are all drama queens, the actors who are drama queens (but for different reasons), the guards and palace officials who are all playing one side or the other, and nobody really right in the middle. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are almost there (after all Horatio, Hamlet and R&G were all buddies at school). But then they show their allegiances in the end.
Since the same thing happened in Norway (with Fortinbras doing the Hamlet routine), I'd like to think there's a Norwegian equivalent of Horatio.

Was it hard recreating Horatio as the hero of the story?

Not at all. I'm the hapless one trapped around everyone's crazy...which, by default becomes my crazy. I've always been relatively neutral in a chaotic world. I like to form my own opinion on things, which is why Horatio appeals to me. Shakespeare has one neutral voice in every work; it's fascinating. I understand it. Can you imagine what it would be like to hear Othello or Macbeth or Hamlet go on and on and on and on and on. I just subbed in that and went with it. The result was, by default, making Horatio a Shakepearean character (and a Kafka one too).

What would you say, beyond being a voice of reason, are the qualities an absurd hero should have?

Is the hero really the voice of reason? I mean, the sane one in a crazy world is the crazy, right? See, that's the beauty of it. Shakespeare's characters all rely on choice to influence the end. Kafka says you're damned regardless...so fuck it. Anyone can be a "hero" in an absurdist world. Look at the people who still tout George W. as one.

So, this question is going to sound a bit crass, but here we go: why should somebody buy Naked Metamorphosis?

Most people shouldn't.
If you've got the ability to think and want your mind blown into the realm of possibility...then yeah, purchase that thing.
Otherwise steer clear.
We're all characters in someone else's world. I think people need a little warning (and I try to play that little scenario out).
Plus, I've got a few kids to feed. Lots of college debt (thanks, Uncle Sam), and would like to keep writing.
But ultimately, it's a damn good read.

I agree. I'd say if you've got a brain in your head and you like to laugh at anything smarter than Two and a Half Men, buy it.
What made you want to submit to the Eraserhead New Bizarro Author Series?

Why the fuck is that show the #1 comedy on tv?

I have no idea. I worry for everyone.

Actually, I submitted a query to EHP for something completely different. About three months later, I received an email from Rose O'Keefe asking me to pitch something to Kevin Donihe. At that point I wasn't uber-familiar with the "bizarro" movement. I knew Chris Genoa and knew of CM3's books, etc. But it was still a shot in the dark. I submitted an idea to Kevin (this one) and he was leery. He wasn't keen on it at all. Told me so, in fact. I submitted the novella in three weeks and the rest, as they say, is that.

How was it working with Kevin?

One of the best experiences of my life. He's an amazing editor, but has a good eye for talent and stories. Mine wasn't that bizarro and still, he saw something there. Plus his credo of "one mistake is too many", is pretty amazing in today's publishing world.

When I read Naked Metamorphosis, I was pretty surprised by his choice.
I thought it was a good direction to go in and an interesting but calculated risk.

Likewise. I tried to add more bizarro elements to the story, but just couldn't. I liked it the way it was. So, yeah, it was good. But, there is some pretty gonzo stuff cookin' there.

There really is.
Batman vs. Captain America. Who wins?

Ugh! Batman. Batman's a bit of an asshole, deep down. Plus, America's already been killed. So, Batman knows his weaknesses.
Also, in "IronMan2", Stark uses a Capt. America shield to hold up a laser. C'mon? You're going to give up your gadgetry that easy?

You don't see Superman scratching his balls with a batarang.

it's very true. Batman keeps it in check.

You recently made some comments about Marley and Me. Negative comments. Are you a doghating Islamofascist?

Um, no to the doghating. But, yes, to the Islamofascist. I just always wanted to end up on "The Watch List". Surely this'll do it.

You could just become a sex offender. That's a lot easier.

Actually, I do think it's a genre that needs to die, like Marley (oh, I'm sorry, I didn't say "Spoiler Alert").
It is easier to be a sex offender, but makes picnics awkward

This is not a spoiler free zone. Bruce Willis is dead in the Sixth Sense.
In the Happening, it's the trees.

What?!!
DAMN!
I really should finish an M. Night Shymalan film

Yeah. Better you than him.

or not.

Though The Happening, which is the one everyone hates, isn't bad in spite of Marky Mark's presence.
One last question: you do an interview series called The Authors Speak. What's the most surprising thing you've ever heard from an author you've interviewed?

It's really not a bad film. I actually like the concept. Brian Keene toyed with it.
Wow. Well, I think it's been the Anne Rice thing, thus. She completely does not acknowledge the past vampire novels. At all. She's uber-Christian and knows that there's a lucrative pathway there.
Also, that Jordan Krall had visions of underwear. That David Barbee was capable of understanding Stephen Hawking. And, that Kevin Shamel wants Bob Goldwaite to narrate his documentary.

All incredibly surprising. But not as surprising as your hatred of Marley. Thank you, Eric Mays.

thank you! Sincerely!

For those of you that missed it, Naked Metamorphosis is available on Amazon HERE

Mayonnaise Jenkins and the Former Kings of the Delta Blues

2010-06-24T10:08:00.000-07:00

Back when I was in college, my friend and musical collaborator Wick Hill and I were in band, like everybody else on Earth. But unlike everybody else's bands, Wick was really fucking good and my lyrics weren't too shabby. We made a good band. The other day my friend Jude Coulter-Pultz, the phenomenal artist who did the cover art for Archelon Ranch, reminded me that he was also a phenomenal singer and musician by showing me a cover he did of the old Mayonnaise Jenkins song At Home in Graveyards, music by Wick Hill, lyrics by me. I then asked him if he could put up the original and another track from the album and not only did he put up the entire album, but he added some kickass cover art in the Jude Coulter-Pultz tradition of kickass coverart, which is becoming quite the tradition. You can listen to the whole album for free here if you're interested in some music I did while I was in college. Stay away from the Acoustic version of Freak and Learn to Walk and remember that the interview with Mayonnaise Jenkins is the product of two people losing their fucking mind after a longass day in the studio. All music by Wick Hill. All lyrics by Garrett Cook. Vocals for the spokenword pieces and Hey Little Girl by Wick Hill All other vocals by Garrett Cook except for Ralph and Earl, which is Garrett Cook with Wick Hill. Enjoy Wick's awesome music and my eclectic singing style.

Because We Are Not Alone in the World

2010-06-22T12:15:00.000-07:00

So, around this time last year, Legumeman Books of Australia picked up my book Archelon Ranch. And I cannot begin to thank them for this because this book let me by myself in ways I did not think I could, telling a story in a way I did not think I could, featuring characters and situations that I was not sure I could get away with. I've received good reviews and some strong encouragement from my peers and my kickass Australian publishers alike. This was the seed that first got me thinking that there were other countries out there that might actually be interested in my work. And then, when I started preorders for Jimmy Plush, a gentleman from the UK reminded me that I did not have a button up for international shipping. I'm glad he did. It reminded me again that I don't just want to share my work with America, I want to share it with everybody. Recently, I was reminded of this again, when Hiroshi Hayakawa, Ellery Queen Award Winning editor of Hayakawa's Mystery Magazine in Japan, a magazine that reprints stories not just from fine contemporary mystery writers but from classic pulp authors such as Robert E. Howard. He wanted to reprint my story "Mr. Plush, Detective" in the August issue of his magazine. I of course said yes in a heartbeat. This made me look around at the various Amazon outlets and even though sales have not been through the roof internationally, I'm blessed to have sold copies of Archelon Ranch in Japan, Germany, Australia, Canada and the UK. (If you've bought this book and I've neglected to mention your country, do not hesitate to comment). But, my book Murderland Part 1:h8 is apparently a great big hassle to get ahold of overseas. So, I decided maybe I'd do something about that, to foster a deeper connection with my foreign readers, to hear their thoughts and to increase this book's momentum. Here's the deal foreigners: if you bought my book Archelon Ranch on Amazon.uk, Amazon.ca, Amazon.jp, Amazon.de or whatever and you send me a link to an Amazon review you posted, I'll send you a free PDF of Murderland part 1:h8 to thank you for helping me spread the word about Archelon Ranch to your countrymen. Email me this link at thecentercannothold@gmail.com and I'll send you back a PDF of Murderland part 1:h8. Thanks in advance, world!

Book Review: A Million Versions of Right

2010-06-21T13:26:00.000-07:00

A year ago, I first made the acquaintance of Matt Revert of Legumeman Books. He was smart, he was polite and he seemed to me like a standup and kickass guy. I have seen no evidence to the contrary. Legumeman is becoming a contender in small press weird fiction, a juggernaut of calculated risk and adventurous obscenity. You can see a lot of the Legumeman philosophy in Matt Revert's A Million Versions of Right. These are some of the boldest, weirdest and at times scariest short stories I've ever read. His story The Great Headphone Wank frightened me like few other things have, an odd combination of Carver and Harlan Ellison that quickens the pulse and cuts the heart like a knife. All in a story about a guy who continuously hears people masturbating whenever he puts on his new headphones. As the Traveling Wilburys say "It's a Dirty World". A Million Versions of Right shows just how dirty it is, elevating the fart joke to a level of discourse in ways almost completely unseen since James Joyce did so in Ulysses. If you want to cry, laugh and be sick to your stomach, Matt Revert is your man and I look forward to reading more from him. A Million Versions of Right will surprise you with its genius and frighten you with its perversity.

http://www.amazon.com/Million-Versions-Right-Matthew-Revert/dp/0980593816/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1277154547&sr=1-1

New Reviews

2010-06-15T12:42:00.000-07:00

Two aspects of being a small press author of Bizarro fiction that I like the most are first of all, getting to see the cool stuff my peers are doing and draw the public's attention to that and second, sharing the cool stuff I'm doing with my peers, who I know are the sort of people that would appreciate it, people who I wish there were millions of. When anybody reads your book and you see a light click on, it's fantastic but when it's somebody who you know to do good work and read prodigiously, it's even better.

David W. Barbee, author of Carnageland is a great reader, a fun writer and a smart guy who writes Bizarro because he loves and appreciates the genre so much. Recently, he read my book Archelon Ranch, the book at this point that I am proudest of and had THIS to say:
Hopefully, some of you will take David W. Barbee's word for it and pick up a copy.

Mykle Hansen is one of the greatest satirists writing today. He's funny, he's incredibly bright and he has the solid titanium balls to call a book The Rampaging Fuckers of Everything On the Crazy Shitting Planet of the Vomit Atmosphere. You might know him as the diabolical genius behind Help! A Bear is Eating Me! He's just awesome, so to see him saying THISabout Murderland part 1: h8 is really something.

Thank you, David and Mykle, it's an honor to call you colleagues and friends and it makes me happy to know that I've lived up to your standards.

Strange and Heartbreaking

2010-06-10T14:51:00.000-07:00

I will say right now that this entry should and will be an Amazon Listmania but, I want info about these books to be available to those who casually visit my blogs as well as those who seek out my reviews on Amazon. My girlfriend's grandmother was wondering about what I wrote and while she was very polite and not at all derisive, took a look at Bizarro fiction and could not quite get it. And I do not blame her. I don't blame anyone for not being able to understand it immediately. Any genre with book titles like Assgoblins of Auschwitz and Baby Jesus Buttplug will raise eyebrows in positive and negative ways and it could look like we're more about nonsense than self expression and exploring life's strangeness or it could look like we're about gore and farting, which in part we are, even though it's in the service of expressing certain ideas and creating a unique atmosphere. Here is a list of Bizarro books that are more about deep, emotional resonance than about grossing people out, making them laugh or terrifying them, although these books might also do that.

House of Houses by Kevin L. Donihe
The Amazon page featuring my review: http://www.amazon.com/House-Houses-Kevin-L-Donihe/dp/1933929707/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1276206568&sr=1-1

House of Houses is funny but also heartbreaking and devastating. It is a story about man in love with a house, a love that nature and Heaven itself don't want to happen. Can this love make it? What if it doesn't? Does it matter? House of Houses poses all of these questions, leaving you to answer them and to feel the repercussions.

The Haunted Vagina by Carlton Mellick III
http://www.amazon.com/Haunted-Vagina-Carlton-Mellick-III/dp/097624988X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1276207316&sr=1-1
How in God's name can a book called The Haunted Vagina make you feel anything but the urge to let out a juvenile titter? It tells the story of a man whose girlfriend's vagina makes horrible noises. It hurts their sex life, it scares him to death and it leaves him wondering if the relationship can survive. But, he does something brave and absurd, he explores the mysterious landscape inside her, discovering a ghostly world and a mysterious girl who wants him to stay. The Haunted Vagina is the story of a man trapped in the dark mysteries of his relationship in the unexplored, perverse spaces that make things fall apart. More sad and beautiful than it is funny or gross, which is an accomplishment.

Zerostrata by Andersen Prunty
http://www.amazon.com/Zerostrata-Andersen-Prunty/dp/1933929758/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1276207637&sr=1-1
Zerostrata is a book simultaneously wacky and Capraesque, a book that in my opinion hearkens back to the early films of Terry Gilliam as well as movies like Harvey. It is the story of a young man who moves back to his depressionchoked hometown and begins fixing up his old treehouse. As he fixes the treehouse, he sees a young woman outside dancing naked and follows her, falling in love with her. It is not without complications, it is not without pratfalls, it is not without pathos, it is not without humor and it is certainly not without beauty. This book is a triumph.

Piecemeal June by Jordan Krall
http://www.amazon.com/Piecemeal-June-Jordan-Krall/dp/1933929634/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1276207927&sr=1-1
Piecemeal June is not for everyone. It is an often disgusting piece of grindhouse noir, full of sexually explicit material, scatology and abject strangeness. It concerns a living sextoy escaping from the grasp of an extradimensional pornographer and the loser who falls in love with her and must risk his life to protect her. At the core of this is one of the most tender love stories of any genre that I have ever read and proof that beauty can shine in a world of filth, which is a central theme of the book itself.

Archelon Ranch
http://www.amazon.com/Archelon-Ranch-Garrett-Cook/dp/0980593824/ref=pd_sim_b_2
It might be obnoxious for me to have my own book on this list, but I feel it's worth using as an example. Archelon Ranch features dinosaurs, zombies, humanoid insects, the worst shopping mall on Earth and a young man who at the beginning of the book has become one with the soul of a fedora. But at the core of this book is the story of two men looking for Heaven and seeking fairness in a world created by an author whose own neuroses might make it hard for him to write about joy. This is my best book yet and I think you should give it a chance.

So, here's five books that show that Bizarro fiction is about emotional truths found in a world that does not make sense not just about filth and weirdness. If books with strange plots that depict reality and emotional reality more accurately than so called realist novels, Bizarro fiction might be of interest to you.

Stealing is Wrong. Reviewing Things You Steal on Amazon is not.

2010-05-24T12:41:00.000-07:00

So, it appears some contemptible varlet has been pirating Murderland part 1:h8 and will not show his face so I can have at him! I should be able to do so by JUNE 1st. So if you are going to download this book do so by JUNE 1st. Chances are you're thinking nobody would pirate Murderland part 1:h8 but me. You could be right. You could be wrong. But one thing's for certain regardless of who pirated the book, writing Amazon reviews is crucial to the success of anything. So, if you take something, review it. It will give what you've taken more attention so that others will buy or steal it, generating even more attention.
Here is the Amazon link to buy or review Murderland part 1:h8
And HERE is the link to download it.
If you enjoy Murderland part 1:h8, you can read the sequel Murderland 2: Life During Wartime. This one, you'll have to pay for. Buy it HERE

May 21st: Happy Birthday, Jeffrey Dahmer!

2010-05-10T11:10:00.001-07:00

A reprehensible cannibal and one of the most reprehensible killers of our time would be 50 May 21st if he were alive today. Half a century of Dahmer! Exciting isn't it? Disgusting, isn't it? When thinking about what I could do to get people interested in my Murderland books, a series about how we relate to crime and criminals in our society and the secret longings of America's repressed id and Dahmer's upcoming birthday seemed like a perfect opportunity to share free fiction set in the Murderland world, to hold discussions about serial killers in America and how our celebrities are frequently criminals and deviants of one kind or another. So, May 21st join me on the Murderland Series Facebook page for a free Murderland story, more info on the world, hints about future Murderland books and more surprises!

Legumeman Books Kangaroo Jackstravaganza

2010-04-22T20:59:00.000-07:00

In case you don't know, Legumeman Books is the leading (maybe only) publisher of Australian Bizarro and being Australian, they love giving things away. For they believe that like their primitive boomerangs, good karma will return to them if thrown out there. To celebrate Aussie Bizarro and to conquer America with it Yahoo Serious style, Legumeman has asked me to formulate a contest. So, I had to think what is Australian Bizarro? One thing stood out in my mind, the film Kangaroo Jack. The person who sends me the best positive review of Kangaroo Jack or piece of Kangaroo Jack fan fiction by May 10th will get the entire Legumeman back catalog including Wonderland book award finalist A Million Versions of Right, very good book Archelon Ranch and book I should read Spare Key. The winner's work will be posted on my new film blog Dollar Bin Massacre where me, Leza Cantoral and Jordan Krall shall publicly mock it. Send all entries to me via Facebook message or to thecentercannothold@gmail.com.
DISCLAIMER: Paul Hogan, Russell Crowe and those with jumbucks in their tucker bag not eligible. Garrett Cook and Legumeman or not liable for hearing loss, aneurysm or brain damage caused by watching Kangaroo Jack. Christopher Walken will not apologize for Kangaroo Jack.

Ingenuity For Sale

2010-04-20T08:52:00.001-07:00

To celebrate the things I am celebrating , I am making an offer I made ages ago when fewer people knew how the hell I was and I want to see now if some people would go for this. Thanks to Cameron Pierce for the first suggestions. Here's the deal, for five dollars, you can get a custom made Garrett Cook story in your inbox within five days or your money back. You provide me with a character, a place and a theme. No matter how weird it is. If Jimmy Stewart is at an earwax convention and the theme is gay marriage should be legalized, I'll make it happen for at least 1000 words. Also, I'm offering Bizarro book prompts. Three days, three dollars, three ideas that you can cannibalize and call your own or just marvel at the fun strangeness that came out. I'm not guaranteeing surrealist success, but I am guaranteeing a few neat ideas to explore and play with. Even one element you can use is worth three dollars. Or you could buy the ideas, pick a weird one you like and make me do it for 1000 words. Your choice. Either way, I think it could be a fun experiment.

Custom Story sent to you within five days, one thousand words. Pick a character, a location and a theme when you buy this. $5

Three Bizarro book ideas

Some News

2010-04-19T17:57:00.000-07:00

So, first of all, I'd like to thank the admins of the Facebook group I Bet I Can Find 10,000 people that think that Bizarro Fiction is Awesome for naming Megaspotlight Author of the Month. Thanks, Kevin and Christy! I love you guys.

And speaking of people I love, I'm happy to be working with my girlfriend, Leza Cantoral and my friend and Bizarro colleague Jordan Krall, the biggest cult film nut I know on a new film blog, Dollar Bin Massacre, reviewing the chaff of the chaff and the cream of the crap crop alike. The first film Leza and I watched is Savage Weekend starring the incomparable William Sanderson. Jordan hasn't watched it yet, but I can't wait to hear what he has to say when he does! Check out the blog here: http://dollarbinmassacre.blogspot.com

If you want to join me in celebrating, there's a couple things you can do. If you've already read my books and haven't put up reviews, you could review them on Amazon or Goodreads or your own blog. Especially if (unlike this blog) people read it all the time. You could also if you haven't bought my existing books, buy them. The bibliography tab is clickable and has links to the Amazon pages for each book and reviews of them too! Awesome, huh? If you've read my existing books, you can provide me with grocery money AND get free chapters of weird pulp serials in your email box (usually on Sunday unless I'm running behind) by preordering Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective. You're going to like this book and you're going to like the stuff you get in your box, which I'm working on amping up more. Get it here: http://jimmyplush.blogspot.com/2010/04/preorders-still-available.html
Lastly, you can celebrate with me by buying books from some of my good friends like Kevin Shamel, Jordan Krall, Eric Mays, Cameron Pierce, Jeff Burk, Gina Ranalli, Andersen Prunty and even that wacky Bradley Sands. Bizarro writers are always there for each other, so when you do good for one of us, you do good for all of us. Also, celebrate Shakespeare's birthday with both me and Eric Mays. Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective will be working on one of history's greatest mysteries to mark the occasion. So, thanks existing fans, thanks new fans and thank you to all my Bizarro colleagues for being able to share good news like this.

Spaghetti, Feet, Fetish Westerns, Viking Cowboys and a Teddy Bear Detective

2010-04-11T13:24:00.000-07:00

here will be no Spaghetti at Jordan Krall's April 16th Bizarro Spagetti dinner, but there will lots of Bizarro excitement and plenty of fun. This is an event to raise awareness of Bizarro and Jordan Krall's work in particular. Jordan Krall is a writer of Neopulp Bizarro, which I feel creates a strong bond between not just my work and Jordan's but Jordan and I. His book Fistful of Feet is a violent, dirty, Spaghetti Western full of fetishism and gore and created by a man with knowledge of and passion for cult films and the Western genre. So, whether you'd like to buy the book and get some cool entertainment while supporting an excellent cult writer and a good guy or just hang around and check out the Bizarro buzz and offer up encouragement for somebody making new and different literature check out the event on Facebook next Friday:
http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?topic=45&post=296&uid=113384858673927#!/event.php?eid=116145408399806

To celebrate this, I've started up a new Neopulp serial for those who have preordered Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective. Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective is my wildest book yet, an exploration of body image and identity, a series of weird mysteries and an actionpacked pulp homage. Getting on the preorder list will not only save you money on shipping in the longrun but will also give you a small discount off the cover price and chapters of special serials mailed to you in your inbox. The first of these is The Startling Sexquatch Caper, a Bizarro adventure of the real and evil Jimmy Plush, the last chapter of which goes out tomorrow to those on the list. The second of these is Halberds Johannsen, Viking Cowboy. The adventure of a cowboy that not only has a strange choice of weaponry, but lives in a world that's a bit different from the Wild West as you know it:
"Halberds Johannsen was relaxing shirtless against a fence in the hot Texas Sun. Bein’ a hot day and all, he poured some cold Dwarven ale over his rippling pecs to cool them off. The ale on his pecs certainly didn’t help the elf maids that watched cause they found themselves feelin’ mighty hot and maybe inclined to remove some garments of their own. But, Halberds Johannsen already had two ladies in his life, Honor and Justice. Honor and Justice were the names of his twin halberds, blessed by the ravens of Odin so he could atone for his life of rapin’ and pillagin’ the prairie. The elfmaids wouldn’t have minded so much bein’ raped and pillaged, but Halberds just wanted to bake in the Sun with his faithful steed, Olaf. Of course, this was not to be, since neither Vikings nor cowboys led lives of leisure and Halberds was both.
The boy came running into town, waving his arms and screaming. A mutt of a kid, half Mexican, half orc, he’d been run out of town by the sheriff so had taken to living with the Indians in the desert. Halberds walked away from the fence to see what had caused the boy’s commotion. He knew that if Pepito had come into town running and screaming, there was real trouble.
“Vat seems to be the trooble?” Halberds asked the boy.
“Meester Halberds, boss Sampson and his ogres are goin’ to demolish the town to make room for the railroads!”
Halberds gave out a mighty bellow of rage.
“Not if these two halberds have anything to say about it…”

Get the first chapter of Halberds Johannsen, Viking Cowboy in your inbox tomorrow, as well as The Startling Sexquatch Caper by preordering Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective here:
http://jimmyplush.blogspot.com/2010/04/preorders-still-available.html

Hop on the wagontrain of werid and support Bizarro by checking out The Spaghetti Dinner and/or preordering Jimmy Plush!

Some Very Rotten Little Animals!

2010-04-05T14:37:00.001-07:00

It's Rotten Little Animals Day, so...BUY IT SCUMBAGS! Kevin Shamel' s superfun antisocial animal adventure is fun for all ages...except for children and old people. Mostly just fun for those between 18 and 59, but that's fun for a 41 year range. Ten dollars isn't bad for 41 years of fun. That's about a quarter a year for fun. Anyway, it's a funass experience so if you're not some kind of sissy little funbitch who can't take too much fun because you suck or because you're 17 or younger or 60 or older like a sucker you're missing out on a lot, you fartassed rapebait semenpants bastards. If you don't like being smacked with a brick by me, buy this book here: http://www.amazon.com/Rotten-Little-Animals-Kevin-Shamel/dp/193392991X/ref=pd_ts_b_78?ie=UTF8&s=books

Also, if you like rotten little stuffed animals, Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective preorders are still available here:

http://jimmyplush.blogspot.com/2010/04/preorders-still-available.html

Preorders come with free PDFs of some of my other books and chapters of a special Jimmy Plush serial starring the real and reprehensible Jimmy Plush, one of the main antagonists of Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective.

While I'm being pushy and a dick, join this Facebook group:

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=113384858673927&ref=mf

Stand up for Bizarro by buying it and sending out your good vibes.

Get the Magazine of Bizarro Fiction#3 autographed from me!

2010-03-19T15:52:00.001-07:00

As I mentioned in my previous post, the issue 3 of the Magazine of Bizarro Fiction is not one to miss! With stories by Cody Goodfellow, Bruce Taylor and lots of other great stuff, it would already be worth your hard earned 6.95 without my novella Re-Mancipator. Re-Mancipator is one of the weirdest, most satirical and most unusual things I've ever done and I'm proud to put my John Hancock on The Magazine that contains it. So, if you want a copy of this, it will be sent out as soon as I receive my contributor copies and it will be autographed by me. Only 6.95 plus three shipping to read the great fiction, read the great comics and see a story like I've never written before, the magazine's featured novella, 10,000 words of zombie Lincoln lizard conspiracy fun like you ain't ever seen before. Get it here:

Blogsplosion!

2010-03-13T10:58:00.000-08:00

Blog! I've done some minor redesign and updating of this blog. Woo! Minor blog updates! YEAH! Are you as excited as I am? It would be easy for you to be, because I'm not all that excited. It was actually fairly banal. But what's not fairly banal is that I've updated things so you can read THREE MORE STORIES! THREE! Woo! One of these I forgot about so did not post on. The other two I had shopped around for years, but finally found homes for. One in the Kek-w Quarterly, a cool experimental fiction blog and the other in 8clouds, Jude Coulter-Pultz' s blog for fun new speculative fiction from writers you might not have heard of. Writers like me. Jude is the cover artist from Archelon Ranch and a person of peculiar and distinctive taste. You'll like the stories there. Scroll down the "about me and my work" tab to the right and you'll find them. Also added is a link to buy the 3rd issue of The Magazine of Bizarro Fiction#3 off Amazon, featuring stories by Monica O' Rourke, Bruce Taylor, Cody Goodfellow and myself. I'm proud to have the feature novella Remancipator in this issue. If you always suspected that if Abe Lincoln were brought back to life, he would no doubt start an orgy of zombie carnage, this is the story for you. Time travel, conspiracies, space lizards, a flamberge fight with Marilyn Monroe...this story has lots of cool stuff for you to enjoy. And speaking of cool stuff, Magazine of Bizarro Fiction editor Jeff Burk has just released his second book Super Giant Monster time! As Junior Whoopass Ensign of the Spectacular Seven and author of Shatnerquake, Burk's work always promises a good time for readers. Especially since it's a Choose Your Own Adventure book! Woo! That's worth getting excited about! Get it here: http://www.amazon.com/Super-Giant-Monster-Time-Jeff/dp/1933929960/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1268507225&sr=1-1

Get Involved!

2010-03-01T04:07:00.000-08:00

My friend and fellow Bizarro author Cameron Pierce (my Funclub's Waycool Demolitions Expert) is extending a cool offer to readers, a chance to get involved in the process in a unique and fun way. Check it out here:
http://www.bizarrocentral.com/forum/2-general-discussion/25942-help-sponsor-my-writing-marathon.html

Bizarro has a unique relationship with its readership, a relationship that is, I believe, unprecedented in literary communities. What other literary movements let you help us buy groceries in exchange for a chance to win awesome and unique prizes or help us get books finished or attend events in exchange for unique literary swag? None. So vote for awesomeness with your dollar.

Catching Up and By the Way the Works of David Lynch are Obvious

2010-01-19T16:30:00.000-08:00

These past couple months I have fallen wildly behind, so this week I'm nailing myself to the giant green leather armchair I dragged home and finishing up the stuff for my Funclub, people on the Plushlist and all the others I've left in the lurch while personal difficulties left me defeated. I apologize to everybody who's waiting for stuff, but I assure what you get will be worth it. Convalescence, writing and exercise are the name of the game from here on in. Wish me luck, blogskateers. On another note, since Inland Empire, I've noticed it's becoming trendy to call David Lynch needlessly obtuse. This is not so. Mulholland Drive and Inland Empire suffer from transparency. If anything, their thematic elements are so blatant that it ruins the enjoyment of the so-called puzzle. Stop pretending David Lynch is too complicated and stop acting like you're some kind of supersleuth as you attempt to find meaning that's right in front of your face. If you'd like to attach meaning to something which wears its purpose and philosophy on its sleeve, I suggest you begin delving into the hidden themes in the portraiture of John Copley or in Kraft cheese singles. So, there we go, David Lynch is obvious, I'm getting back on track so you'll get some more swag soon enough and I'm still never going to eat another grapefruit in my life.

New Year's Resolution Diet Log: An Open Letter to the Grapefruit

2010-01-04T18:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Grapefruit,
What the fuck? Are you kidding me? I finish eating a juicy, sticky, marginally satisfying orange. This does not sate me. So, I look through the fruit bowl and I spy what looks to be a juicier, stickier, more substantial orange. This orange fucking rocks. I'd heard tell that there might be grapefruits in that bowl, but I've been doing jumping jacks and squat thrusts and I'm hungry so I ignore this warning. Big fucking mistake. I reach into the bowl and find you, posing as an orange you transfructite you, and I start to peel you. This is when your true nature becomes obvious. But I've started peeling. What am I gonna do?
"Well," I tell myself, "you look to be about the same color as a tangerine, which is delicious, so you too must be at least somewhat delicious."
"Of course I am," you tell me, "why would people eat me if I tasted bad?"
I've heard this argument from broccoli and caviar before and I should have ignored it then just as I should ignore it now.
I take a bite. What the fuck are you? A big pink ball of wasabe? Ouch. If lemons had anuses, they would taste like you, grapefruit. I douse you in grenadine, which should be able to make you delicious, but you laugh as you negate its pomegranate goodness with your sour lemon anus taste. You should be ashamed of yourself, grapefruit. That shouldn't be. You shouldn't be. I am never eating you again and the four people who will read this post en route to buying nothing are advised to do the same. You suck, grapefruit. I'm glad I threw you away. At least you've succeeded in killing my appetite. I'm pretty sure nothing short of pussy or tiramisu can get your infernal taste out of my mouth, a mouth which I have no desire to put anything else in. Except for pussy and tiramisu.
Yours in eternal hatred,
Garrett Cook
P.S
Fucking die.

English Teachers Are Concerned About Murderland Part 1:h8

2009-11-27T04:29:00.001-08:00

Goodreads.com, cultural barometer, salon wherein great minds gather: a group of educators are deeply concerned. They have seen a new threat to children's intellectual development and way of life. Reefer? Syphilis? The poetry is homosexual commie propagandists in the Greenwich village scene? Even worse than that! Underground Experimental Bizarro Horror. The Murderland series in particular. This book could be the death knell to the already fragile minds of the children of New Hampshire!
In Keene, NH, intellectual Utopia and experimental fiction capital of America, Kim was looking for an age appropriate book to teach her impressionable students when she happened upon dangerous smut tome Murderland part 1:h8 by extreme sports loving heroin addict pornographer Garrett Cook. She was horrified by what she saw. This was her reaction:
"I love dystopian satire, and I thought that's what this was, but it appears to be written by some gamer in his basement. I can't give an honest review, because I just couldn't finish this crass, over-the-top commentary, despite the fact that it's tiny. I felt dirty reading it. Perhaps it is like the type of book those who enjoy horror punk or SAW movies or Grand Theft Auto. That's certainly not me!"
When reached for commentary, Cook said "Dude, I freakin' love GTA! When will they make another Saw? When they chained that Robin Hood: Men in Tights dude to a radiator CLA-ASSSIC!" Then he air-guitarred enter Sandman for three hours straight, ate five pounds of cookie dough and sacrificed a dog to Satan. An adorable dog. Kim had a deep understanding of horror and experimental fiction, as a fan of such edgy intellectual contemporary novels as Diary of a Wimpy Kid and "lots of Oprah reads". It's clear that Murderland was not for Oprah, nor was it for high school English teachers! Some of you skeptics might think Kim was just "narrowminded", "square" or behind the times, but think again!
The story of Mrs. Kelly Budd might change your mind. Like your standard New Hampshire English teacher, Kelly Budd is a graduate of the Sorbonne and Bram Stoker Award juror, so her knowledge of horror and underground literature is pretty substantial. Having read all of the works of Stephen King and Anne Rice, Kelly Budd's threshold for terror was pretty high. So, for Murderland to prompt her to say:
"I fear that the readers of this book will teen boys who like slash and dash" is a dreadful portent of Murderland's potential effects on this culture! When reached for comment on this, Garrett Cook was standing outside one of New Hampshire's fine public schools trying to sell marijuana and copies of the recent remake of The Hitcher to students. Society is doomed!
But, if you're one of those people foolish enough to think that New Hampshire English teachers aren't better arbiters of culture than horror and Bizarro novelists and Bizarro fans, then maybe you should pick up a copy for yourself and see what's got New Hampshire English teachers worried about their students. You can get it HERE for the cookie dough eating, GTA loving, Saw addled pervert teenage slasher movie metal head gamer retard in your life! Who won't understand a damn word of this book and would never purchase it. And if you think New Hampshire English teachers are alienated by this, imagine what they would think of an ultraviolent teddy bear who fights Furries, giant gangsters and flesh eating sexually deviant cops! You can preorder my next intellectually vacant filthfest with no emotional center or redeeming social values HERE and get two dollars off because it's Black Friday, a day Satan worshipping pornographers like myself LIVE for! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Black Friday tomorrow!

2009-11-26T08:13:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the most hellish retail day of the year. The mall will be crawling with human refuse willing to fight to the death for the latest hot everythings, but there's a solution that will allow to be a redblooded American capitalist pig without sacrificing life and limb. Online shopping. Stay home and shop online. It's easy. Now, the question remains "What do I buy?" Well, if you scroll down on the right side, you will see my bibliography and then a list of people and things that are awesome. Give your friends and family something unique this year, something perverse...something Bizarro. With books ranging from Jeff Burk's Shatnerquake to Eric Mays' Kafkaesque/Stoppardian Hamlet Naked Metamorphosis to Jordan Krall's Fistful of Feet to my own Murderland series, Bizarro has anything for the intellectually adventurous and hard to shop for people in your life. I'm also running a special on Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective preorders. You can preorder the latest adventures of Jimmy Plush and get some free egifts to periodically tide you or your loved one over until the book hits the shelves for only $8 tomorrow. This includes domestic shipping. I will not give free foreign shipping, but foreigners can get on the preorder list for just $18 and will get lots of egifts along the way. Also, if you want your loved-one to have a chance to win a cuddly but deadly one-of-a-kind Jimmy Plush teddy bear, you can preorder the Limited Edition which will come signed and numbered with a special origin chapbook. The bear WILL ship in time for Christmas. Only 2 of these Limited Editions remain, so act fast! Find out about and preorder Jimmy Plush here: http://jimmyplush.blogspot.com and get ready for a season of thrills, laughs, mystery and weirdness courtesy of me and some others, like Naked Metamorphosis author Eric Mays!

Manuscript Critiques

2009-11-22T15:12:00.000-08:00

Some of you lucky people can benefit from my experience as a writer and submissions editor for Evil Nerd Empire and Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens. For fifty dollars, I will read your manuscript, make notes and give suggestions for tweaking your premise. I may also, if the book is good enough offer advice for appropriate markets for it. Fifty dollars to jumpstart a career? Sounds like a bargain to me.

Manuscript critique

Looks Like God Doesn't Hate You After All!

2009-11-18T22:12:00.000-08:00

Download five free Bizarro books, courtesy of Eraserhead Press and Jeff Burk's Wordpress page. Awesome.

http://jeffburk.wordpress.com/free-books/

My book is a robot book

2009-11-12T07:35:00.000-08:00

Like Archelon Ranch? Afraid of paper? Only have 3.52 in your bank account? Well, don't cry about it over three wrapperless McDoubles. Buy the ebook! Ebook stands for "extremely awesome book", which is a great description for primordial mindfuck Archelon Ranch. Legumeman is also doing a two-for-one deal, which will let you get Matt Revert's awesome and freaky short story collection A Million Versions of Right or Frederick Hamilton's Spare Key for FREE if you buy it. So, stop sucking down Mc Doubles or a pound of Spaghetti and a Foster's and get this book! You won't be sorry.
BUY IT HERE

Dear Overseas Fanbase

2009-11-09T19:00:00.000-08:00

If you've read and liked my work and you're from Great Britain or Australia, please do not be shy. Drop me a line, post an Amazon review, express your opinion on Bizarrocentral. I'd like to hear from those of you who've been buying Archelon Ranch. I'd also like to tell you to try out Murderland part 1:h8 or to get on the Jimmy Plush preorder list. Come on out, British people!

Jimmy Plush reading!

2009-11-04T08:31:00.000-08:00

Here I am reading from the first section of Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective, previously published in the Magazine of Bizarro Fiction#1:

If you'd like to get on the preorder list for this book and have your copy waiting for you when the book is ready and lots of other goodies before that, go to http://jimmyplush.blogspot.com and preorder it!

Get on the Plush list!

2009-11-03T08:25:00.000-08:00

Ywo more limited edition Jimmy Plush preorders left! If you want the Jimmy Plush bear and the origin chapbook, you're going to have to get one of these two. Not only that, but the Plush list is going to be a fun place to be until the launch of the book. Free stories, extraneous forewords that you get to vote on, all sorts of cool shit. If you don't want the bear and the origin story but want to get on the list and want this book a week before official launch, get a regular preorder for ten bucks. You'll be on the list and therefore will reap most of its benefits. But: handmade teddy bear. One of a kind. Ships by Christmas and you can be the one to win it if you get one of the last two Limited Editions. Get 'em here: http://jimmyplush.blogspot.com

Neverending Wonder Halloween Radio

2009-10-30T16:07:00.000-07:00

This is awesome:
http://www.neverendingwonder.com
I'm in the chatroom at present, so drop by and say hello and listen to some of the cool shit my friend Lee "Uncle Ozma" Widener plays for Halloween.

Four Jimmy Plush Limited Editions still available

2009-10-13T14:18:00.000-07:00

Four Jimmy Plush Limited Editions with all the bells and whistles and the chance to win the bear are still available, as are five signed and numbered limited editions without chapbooks and bear raffle tickets (at 12 dollars apiece) and discount preorders at 8 dollars apiece. These will be available only until Friday and I truly mean it. Everything that's left over goes to Bizarrocon where real fans and not wafflers who don't buy cool books can read them. You can be an Andersen Prunty caliber badass or you can be an almost everybody else caliber loser.

Bizarro author Andersen Prunty looking ahead into a future where he can read Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective.

Last Night!

2009-10-12T08:24:00.000-07:00

If you want an Archelon Ranch, A Life During Wartime or a Jimmy Plush Limited Edition, you've got to order them by tonight at midnight! Tomorrow, I take down most of my Paypal buttons, possibly leaving only regular Jimmy Plush preorders and signed Jimmy Plush preorders that do not come with all the fun Limited Edition swag, like the origin story or the chance at a free Jimmy Plush Teddy Bear. Get 'em today!

Three Book Bundle at Horrormall Auction House!

2009-10-10T15:45:00.000-07:00

Readers have a chance to get either a signed copy of Murderland 2:Life During Wartime not only here, but at the Horrormall auctionhouse as well. The three book bundle (Life During Wartime, Archelon Ranch and a preorder for a regular edition of Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective) is sure to be a great bargain and is well worth the money because you can only get these books signed from me until Monday night. Go HERE to bid on Life During Wartime or HERE to bid on the multibook bundle. You can still get these here by scrolling down to the bibliography box and clicking on the Paypal button near the book you want to buy. Preorders close Monday night so get these books from me now and help out a struggling writer who puts out quality products.

3 DAYS LEFT!

2009-10-09T14:56:00.000-07:00

Only three more days to get your signed copies of Murderland 2 and Archelon Ranch and to preorder your copy of Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective. You can get Murderland 2 and Archelon Ranch by scrolling down on the right on the bibliography and clicking the button underneath the book you want. To get Jimmy Plush, the book Carlton Mellick said was "definitely a book worth getting", either scroll down on the menu here or go to http://jimmyplush.blogspot.com

Store Display My Girlfriend and I modeled for by local artist/caricaturist Lee Kay

2009-10-08T16:00:00.000-07:00

I really like how this turned out. Thanks for the honor, Lee!
On an unrelated note, four days left for preorders and signed copies. The clock is ticking. I will not sell signed copies of these books EVER AGAIN after October 12th save those I leave for Bizarrocon attendees. Supplies and time are super limited. So, scroll down on the right side and buy one while you still can.

Only 5 more days for Jimmy Plush, Life During Wartime and Archelon Ranch!

2009-10-07T11:01:00.000-07:00

I'm only taking preorders and orders until Monday the 12th, so get them while you still can. I still have 15 Jimmy Plush Limited Editions, but I have fewer Life During Wartime and Archelon Ranch copies to spare. So, get them now. Just click on the Paypal button under the relevant entry in my bibliography section. You'll be glad you did!

Jordan Krall's Fistful of Feet

2009-10-04T10:12:00.000-07:00

This is a great time to be a Bizarro reader. We've got new stuff from Cartlon Mellick, Eraserhead Press' new Bizarro authors series is premiering at Bizarrocon, we've got three new books from me. It's awesome. But Jordan Krall is making October even more awesome with his Bizarro Spaghetti Western Fistful of Feet. You can preorder it here:Fistful of Feet and you will definitely not regret it. I read an excerpt entitled The Pistol Burps in The Magazine of Bizarro Fiction and I'm psyched for this. Neopulp/Western/Bizarro Fans will love this one. Right, Nannerpuss?

Dammit, Nannerpuss! I'm trying to have a serious conversation with the people! I hate it when he gets like this. Just buy the book.

October special: read Murderland part 1:h8 for a buck!

2009-09-30T12:08:00.000-07:00

Robert Dunbar, author of The Shore and Martyrs and Monsters said of Murderland part 1: h8:
"Perhaps he’s right. Perhaps that meat cleaver is our best hope for salvation. Or maybe he belongs in an asylum. MURDERLAND is a brutally shocking book. Demented. Logical. Disturbing. It can be crudely powerful one moment, tenderly skillful the next, so the reader never knows what’s coming. There’s no way to prepare. No way to protect yourself. Garrett Cook’s work has an edge … and it’s at your throat. "
~ Robert Dunbar, author of THE SHORE and MARTYRS & MONSTERS

Gina Ranalli, author of Sky Tongues, House of Fallen Leaves, Swarm of Flying Eyeballs and a lot of other Bizarro treats said:
"the offbeat brilliance of this book will freak your face off!"

Bravenewworks.com said of it:

"A savage, very original satire that openly mocks the American demigod-like worship of worthless celebrity with a future where despicable murderers become our new focus of adoration. It's as farcical as Swift's "A Modest Proposal," yet no less poignant."-
bravenewworks.com

And what do I say? I say that to celebrate the coming of October and the release of Murderland 2:Life During Wartime, I'm going to give readers a chance to read Murderland part 1:h8 in PDF format for only a dollar. But, I'm only doing this until midnight October 3rd. So, if you want to find out what the buzz has been about, this is a good, cheap opportunity. Just click the Paypal button and I'll email you one along with heartfelt thanks for your interest in my work and for the first ten people a Halloween haiku from my Funclub chapbook. Enjoy!

Life During Wartime Now available Archelon Ranch at Horrormall auction house.

2009-09-29T12:59:00.000-07:00

The sequel to Murderland part 1:h8 is here! Check out the bibliography tab to your right to find out more or get one of four signed copies sent to you. There is a chance I will make a copy of this available at the Horrormall auction house, but that chance is slim since I plan on bringing copies to Bizarrocon.
Those of you who want to get primordial Bizarro mindfuck for even cheaper than you can on this page can bid on it at the Horrormall auction house. This book has gorgeous cover art by Jude Coulter-Pultz and not only looks, but I feel IS fantastic. You should grab this one.
Members of my Funclub get both of these books, but otherwise there's only five chances left for a signed Archelon Ranch and possibly four for Life During Wartime.

Jimmy Plush cover mock up

2009-09-28T14:22:00.000-07:00

Here's a cover mock up by artist Lev Cantoral for Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective coming soon from Eraserhead Press:

Read an excerpt here: http://thegarrettcook.blogspot.com/2009/09/excerpt-from-jimmy-plush-teddy-bear.html and the back cover description here: http://thegarrettcook.blogspot.com/2009/09/exciting-news.html

Preorders only open until October 12th.

Archelon Ranch is here!

2009-09-27T15:21:00.000-07:00

Answer the call of Archelon Ranch now! My book Archelon Ranch (which you can find out more about by clicking Archelon Ranch on my bibliography tab) is now available here or on Amazon. If you get it directly from me, the copy will be signed and will cost a mere seven dollars. Either way, you have what I promise will be an exciting, weird and fun book. Members of my Funclub will be sent signed copies of this book, along with Murderland Part 2:Life During Wartime and when it comes out, a copy of Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective. All of these books are signed. To celebrate Archelon Ranch coming out, I'm going to enter anybody who joins the Funclub into the Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective handmade teddy bear raffle. But only if you join before midnight tonight, central time. (That's 11 eastern) So, get on these offers while you still can. I'm only selling Funclub Memberships, Plush preorders and signed Archelon Ranch until the 12th of October.

An Excerpt from Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective coming soon from Eraserhead Press

2009-09-19T20:54:00.000-07:00

Mr. Plush and the Dead Horse

Being a gumshoe is stressful. Being a gumshoe in the body of a three foot teddy bear is a hell of a lot more stressful than that. So I decided to take the day off for once. Since trading my body to that bastard teddy bear to pay off my gambling debts, the closest thing I’d gotten to time off was time spent face down in an alley unconscious. And unlike some people, I wasn’t there for leisure. I knew this day would start off with a couple of annoyances, but I thought it would end at that. The first one, I’d figured on. Having no private residence, I had a tendency to sleep in my office. I also had a lapdog of a Chinese chauffeur that had a habit of waiting outside with my limo ready to go and a tragic attempt at coffee in his hand. I stepped outside, and I was right. There was Chan with coffee staler than politics and pictures. I sighed.
“Chan, where do they grow the coffee in China?”
Even for a Chinaman, Chan went stiff.
“They do not grow coffee in China, Mot Honored Mister Plush.”
I took the coffee from him. This was an important part of my morning ritual lately.
“Do you wanna know why they don’t grow coffee in China, Chan?”
He sighed. There was anger behind his slanty subhuman eyes.
“Yes, Mister Plush. I would like to know why.”
I tossed the coffee in his face as I did every morning. The coffee was piping hot. Good old Chan. Even confronted with certain scalding he wouldn’t serve me lukewarm coffee.
“That is the worst damn coffee I’ve ever had. You run somebody’s laundry through the pot?”
Chan folded his hands and bowed.
“Humblest apologies. Does Most Honored Mister Plush require breakfast? Or to be driven somewhere?”
“Does sycophantic Chan want to lose his job and have to make noodles for a living?” It’s important to be firm with one’s chauffeur.
“Chan is very sorry.” He bowed again. Chan bowed pretty often. Unavoidable when a kid hears Confucius in the nursery.
“I’m taking the day off, Chan.”
Chan looked at me as if I were the one that talked goofy all the time.
“Are you certain Mister Plush, there is a lot to be done, there is especially the matter of…”
I didn’t even wanna think about it.
“It can wait. He’ll wait.”
Chan laughed. “I do not think I would take getting shot as lightly as you have.”
“I don’t take it lightly, Chan. I got no leads, and I’m burnt out, so scram!”
Chan shrugged, got in the limo and drove off.
This left me alone. I called Jean and invited her to dinner. She said seven. I said not to wear the fox suit. She said I could go to Hell. I asked if she had any messages for her mother. She asked about the mess in her kitchen. I said I’d see her at seven and hung up, taking my phone off the hook afterwards. Within five minutes, I started pouring myself drinks. I was bored to tears. I shouldn't have been.
There was a knock on the door. Chan was starting to make me real angry. How could people with so much opium in their country be so utterly against relaxation? I opened my door, wishing the chinaman had made me two cups of coffee. I wouldn’t drink the second one either. But it wasn’t Chan at the door. It was a pony wearing a police cap. There was a whistle and a badge around his neck. It seemed like the sort of thing that would be a bad omen. What did my granny from the old country say about a pony on your doorstep? Made me wish I hadn’t given up my memories during the transfer so I’d know things like that, like if I had a granny or where the hell the old country was.
“Sorry, pal,” I said to the pony, “this ain’t a stable and I’m closed for the day.”
“Listen, Plush,” the pony shot back in a voice that reminded me a little of Gary Cooper, “you don’t like me and I don’t like you, but I’ve got a problem. I’m gonna set aside my prejudices so we can make this town a little less awful.”
“Not interested. Go find yourself some oats and leave me alone, Seabiscuit.”
The pony got in my face.
“I don’t think you understand. I’ve got three dead city councilmen and a dead socialite. Think about it, four prospective kidnap victims. If they keep bumping off these people, there will be nobody to kidnap and murder’s one per customer, Plush. How long do you think a shameless shamus like yourself’s gonna last in a city where all the victims are already dead?”
He had a point. If I was going to maintain this lifestyle, I couldn’t have somebody icing every client that could pay me. Maybe I didn’t want to maintain this lifestyle, but when you’re a teddy bear with a bad reputation and nothing going for you but a chauffeur an office with “Jimmy Plush, Detective” on the door and a custom teddy bear handgun there usually ain’t many career paths open for you.
“Okay, horsey, you’ve got my attention. Now give me the details. Come on in.”
But before he could, three shots rang out and he was good as glue. If a pony on my doorstep was a bad omen (and I couldn’t really tell if it was), then a dead pony on my doorstep was an awful one and a dead pony on my doorstep that had a badge was a disaster. I had to sort this out and I needed to do it fast.
Lucky for me, Chan had not really taken off, but had instead parked the limo in an alley nearby and waited for me to change my mind. He pulled up to the curb, got out and gave me a bow. Even though I needed him now, I was not happy about this.
“I guess they don’t have days off in China either, huh?”
Chan smiled.
“And yet, I’m not the one with a dead policeman on my doorstep.”
“Who is he? He knew the real Plush and hated him. Must have been a pretty good egg. For a pony.”
Chan’s smile turned into a frown.
“He was. His name was Horskowitz. He was an honest cop, not into the same things the others are. He tried to put some of them away for corruption, so they beat him up, transferred him into the body of a pony. He didn’t quit. He felt that only showed how much he was needed. In my opinion, he was right.”
I could only think of one man that could be behind this.
“Chan, take me to J.L Wong’s.”
The scenery on the way to J.L Wong’s was pretty much the same tableau of heartbreak I was used to; Furries in species drag ranging from strap-on sporting mice to Murray the Monogram Unicorn waiting for clients against every lamppost, ugly hoods carrying violin cases, businessmen looking for a den where they could chase the dragon, a Chinatown that the Orientals were afraid to even go near. Same hell-on-earth where most of my cases ended up leading. Or was it? There was a giant black cloth covering the side of the street. Something huge was underneath, something the size of a few buildings or a gigantic warehouse. I hadn’t seen any construction or demolition going on last time I was here, and last time I was here was two days ago. Identical obese quintuplets in pink pinstripe suits stood outside guarding it. They were trying too hard to act natural.
“Chan, stop!” By the time I’d said it, he’d already stopped.
I got out since I had a sneaking suspicion that these five gentlemen might have had something to do with my case.
“Nice weather we’re havin’, huh?”
“Yes,” they said in unison.
“So…gentlemen, what’s under the cloth?”
“A carnival,” they replied, again in unison.
“It’ll never work,” I told them as I walked back to the car,“this town’s already too much fun.”

You can preorder Jimmy Plush, Detective right here. Remember that the limited edition gives you a chance to win your very own Jimmy Plush! Members of my funclub automatically get a preorder, but are not entered into the teddy bear raffle.

My current offers

2009-09-15T22:41:00.000-07:00

So you don't have to scroll down: Offers
You can get these things right here by clicking the appropriate "Buy Something" tab.

Funclub slots are filling up fast!

2009-09-14T08:47:00.000-07:00

We are now down to three Funclub slots and the Jimmy Plush Limited Edition preorders remain limited. If you want a chance to win your own handmade Jimmy Plush, you're going to have to get in on this before the next few runout. I only started with twenty. The next person to join the Funclub not only gets my next three books sent to their house and a free prize, but the rank of Werewolf Patrol Captain! We need YOU to lead the Funclub's elite unit of superawesome werewolves against the forces of oppression! Twenty five bucks plus ten shipping. The Funclub slots are moving fast and you can buy vodka anytime.

Special Offers Update

2009-09-11T21:26:00.000-07:00

There are only four Funclub slots available, so get your Funclub subscription now! The Jimmy Plush limited edition preorders are also moving, so you want to jump on that one too. I am now offering six signed copies of Murderland Part 2: Life During Wartime for ten dollars plus shipping and six copies of Archelon Ranch for 7.00 plus shipping. If you want some cool Bizarro pulp, check out these great deals.

Exciting News

2009-09-10T12:34:00.000-07:00

"You know, Garrett," you say, "I wish I could read your way-out crazy horror, pulp and Bizarro books for cheap, not having to log on Amazon and keep track of release dates and also be part of an elite cadre of awesome superfans."

A month ago, I would have told you suicide was the only answer to the quandary, but things are changing, moving faster and it's time for me to keep up with them. That's why I've started The Spectacular Seven Neopulp Expressionist Funclub. A book club, a fan club and a team of ultra-special junior space rangers rolled into one. For twenty five dollars plus ten dollars for shipping, you get: a copy of Life During Wartime (info here: http://www.evilnerdempire.com/propaganda.htm), a copy of Archelon Ranch (info here: http://www.legumeman.com/archelon%20ranch.html) , and a preorder for my upcoming book, Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective...from Eraserhead Press!

Here's what's on the back cover of that one (which is of course, the supreme arbiter of content and literary merit):

"In a city ridden with prostitute furries, cannibal cops and warehouse-sized mob bosses, I've got my work cut out for me. My name is Jimmy Plush. I'm a private detective. I'm also a teddy bear. It all started when the original Jimmy Plush entered my life, offering to take my gambling debts away if I agreed to switch bodies with him. But I didn't know that being a three-foot-high plush toy would be such a living hell, especially now that everyone in town wants a piece of me. All I've gotten out of this deal is a faithful Chinese chauffeur, a custom teddybear .45, and a girlfriend who won't take off the fox suit she turns tricks in. Now I've got to keep this town clean and try to track down the real Jimmy Plush without losing my stuffing for good. Only one thing is for sure: Life is hard when you're soft.

Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective is a high octane pulp satire. In the tradition of Sam Spade, The Shadow, Dick Tracy, Hellboy and Howard the Duck comes a new kind of hero, a hero that reminds us that the measure of a man is in his guts and his gun."

You can get this preordered through the Funclub or you could buy individual preorders for $10. There is also a $20 preorder that gets you a special signed edition with a free gift and a ticket for a raffle to win your very own cuddly but deadly stuffed Jimmy Plush. There are only twenty of the special editions available, so you might want to act fast.

You can buy any of these things by clicking on the Paypal button that corresponds to it. It's easy and fun. Especially if you're one of those people who is mesmerized by buttons.

Not two but...THREE books coming soon!

2009-09-07T19:13:00.000-07:00

Not only will Archelon Ranch and Life During Wartime be coming soon, but soon I will be taking preorders for a third mystery book and offering an awesome deal to my readers when it is announced. I'll keep you all posted. This third book is gonna be violent, twisted and more fun than a barrel of monkeys. Prepare yourselves, people.

Whispers and Screams: An Excerpt from Murderland Part 2: Life During Wartime

2009-08-15T08:14:00.001-07:00

(Murderland Part 2:Life During Wartime is coming this Fall. Really. Get your copy of Part 1: H8 so you don't miss out on the action, the intrigue, the weirdness, the humor and the terror)

I rattle my cage, but I get no attention. Jeremy doesn’t even tell me to shut up now. Look at me, sniveling like an untouched housewife hungry for martini kisses from her neglectful husband. This is not the nature of our relationship. This is not what I am here for this is not why I am here Jeremy this is not where I am here you son of a bitch…

If I could slide through these walls, breathe the stale air of this godforsaken moribund earth through lungs of my own it would be so much better, everything would be so much FUCKING better if I could walk out of here grab that pistol and fill everybody who deserves it with holes to match the ones inside them…it isn’t violence. Self expression. Revelation of soul states. Cadaver is cadaver. Cadaver is cadaverous. He is going to do it all wrong. He is going to fuck up. It would be so much FUCKING better if I could walk out of this FUCKING box and make everything right for myself I am a myself I am not just a system of bleeps I am not misfiring neurons JEREMY JENKINS I AM NOT A DISEASE JEREMY JENKINS I AM NOT A DISEASE I tell him his oatmeal is cum and maggots and he breathes deeply counts to 100 and eats it anyway. I am not in a position of weakness. I am not beaten. The mission will not be compromised. Son of a bitch the mission will not be compromised. He cannot stop history. He cannot fight off the dreams when they come. When battery acid falls from the sky and the rivers flow antifreeze, he will beg for me. I will tell him I told him so. I will tell him he has stepped out of line. I will be patient. Stop rattling the cage. Stop trying to bully my way out. All better now. He cannot fight history. History will happen and he will need me. Jeremy will beg.

Archelon Ranch cover art by the brilliant Jude Coulter-Pultz

2009-08-11T13:39:00.000-07:00

Text formatted by Matthew Revert. Find out what's inside it this fall. Or just stare at it. As long as you buy it, I'm cool.

Archelon Ranch is Calling

2009-07-25T21:12:00.000-07:00

JE NE SUIS PAS UN CHAPEAU.
JE SUIS UN HOMME.

Archelon Ranch coming Fall 2009

Fiction to order

2009-07-07T06:24:00.001-07:00

A friend recently came up with a great idea that he shared with me. Stories to order. Provided with a theme, a type of character, a creature and a place by someone, I will put these together and give them a strange story to order or a couple pieces of flash fiction. For five dollars you can get your story told or receive a series of pieces of flash fiction involving these elements within a week.

OR you could get:

For you writers, budding writers and people curious about the process, see it at work and give yours a shot in the arm with five weird pitches. For three dollars you get five Bizarro ready, perhaps horror tinged strange ideas. One novel/novella length premise guaranteed.

Stories to order: five dollars, finished in a week
Five strange ideas: three dollars. given to the customer within three days
I accept Paypal only.

Email me at thecentercannothold@gmail.com if you're interested or have questions.

Both of these are guaranteed completely unique.

Come meet me!

2009-07-02T10:42:00.000-07:00

I will be doing a signing and meet and greet event where I will be talking a bit about Bizarro on July 11th at 4 pm at the Borders in Naperville, Illinois. Get a signed copy of Murderland Part 1:H8 find out about Bizarro, spend some money and stay and chill. What else are you gonna do with your Saturday, go outside? That's where the wolves are and they ain't gettin' any tamer.

Book Review: Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed

2009-05-29T07:13:00.001-07:00

Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed by Lance Carbuncle

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
Some things that are funnier than almost everything else:

Bassethounds

Old Bluesmen

Elvis

The Sasquatch

South of the Border (the pseudoMexican tourist trap)

The American South

Lance Carbuncle without being just completely dismissive of the South gives us a cool and scathing road trip through it's twists and turns. Full of colorful, weird characters, lawbreaking shenanigans and insights into existential confusion, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed delivers. Reminiscent of the films of Savage Steve Holland, Richard Linklater and the Farrelly Brothers and packed with humorous asides and notations, this book is oozing with fun, intelligence and humanity and hopefully will make it to the big screen someday.

View all my reviews.

Two Bits of Sad News

2009-05-26T11:21:00.001-07:00

Number 1, I am now out of autographed copies of H8. Never again will I personally be selling a copy of this. Unless those Canadian high school kids who said they wanted one don't say anything soon, then one will be available. More on this later.

Number 2, and this came right from my spam box: Madonna is a Muslim now. As if Madonna has not given America enough reasons to be creeped out by her religion hopping, Baby Jane makeuping ways, she decides to become part of the Saracen horde that is trying to steal our freedom? You ain't takin' my freedom Madonna, not while people have guns and Hank Williams albums. You don't like this country, go back to England! Unless of course for once my spam box has steered me in the wrong direction. This is highly unlikely. A couple months ago, it said that Kelly Clarkson had been raped and I know that must have been true, since she was clearly so shaken she could not send a thank-you note for the muffin basket I sent to Simon Cowell's secretary to bring to her to help relieve her suffering. Kelly Clarkson is definitely the kind of person who would send you a thank-you note for a basket of muffins with a "Sorry You Were Raped" card.

But, in the midst of all of this "No more H8", "terrorist Madonna", "Kelly Clarkson traumatized by rape" talk, there is a silver lining thanks to Shatnerquake author Jeff Burk's tireless efforts. The Magazine of Bizarro Fiction is out and it has my story Mr. Plush, Detective in it. You can get it on Amazon if you just look for a second or find more info at www.bizarrocentral.com. I will let you know if those Canadian highschool kids don't take their copy of H8, the last one out of my personal stash, and if they decide not to, it will be available to the general public. Except for Madonna bin Laden and that ungrateful bitch Kelly Clarkson.

Don't be sad, little fella, I'll tell you where to find autographed copies of Murderland Part 1: H8!

2009-05-04T13:42:00.000-07:00

I know what you're thinking. I know what haunts your dreams and threatens to steal your heart. You want to know where to purchase copies of Murderland Part 1: H8 from my personal book stash. Particularly autographed ones. I myself, am pretty much out of them, but don't despair! I've put some up for auction at www.horror-mall.com/auction_house and there's one on sale at Amazon directly through me. I have a whopping three copies for Horror Mall and one for Amazon, so act fast. Not just kind of fast, Sasquatch fast. Bid at Horror Mall's auction house! There, you'll find lots of cool limited edition collectible horror thingies, including Murderland which has a starting bid of $6.50, which ain't bad. Or if you're not the gambling type, grab the Amazon copy. Either way, Murderland can be yours!

Awesome title, two Beat novelists...and...nothin'!

2009-05-02T09:33:00.000-07:00

And the Hippos Were Boiled in Their Tanks by William S. Burroughs

My review

rating: 3 of 5 stars
A curiosity piece at best. Burroughs and Kerouac were not at their weird, mystic best at this point and its understandable, but why this needs to resurface isn't. It's kind of a patronizing move and exploits the popularity of great writers without being any of their great writings. Shrug.

View all my reviews.

Dammit Jim, I'm a Doctor, Not a Postmodernist!

2009-05-01T21:33:00.001-07:00

Shatnerquake by Jeff Burk

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars

I'm not much of a Trek fan. There, I said it. Draw me, quarter me, tar me, feather me. I'm not much of a Trek fan, but William Shatner is one of the most bizarre and intriguing personages in media history. From Kirk to a bizarre musical career to his numerous appearances in an eclectic array of commercials, I've found Shatner incredibly fascinating. Now in Shatnerquake, Jeff Burk explores the ins and outs of Shatnerdom, sci fi mania and the Jungian mess we live in. When a group of Bruce Campbell cultists sets off a fiction bomb, every Shatner comes together in one place, in a mayhem filled pop culture implosion that would bring tears to the eyes of Seth Macfarlane and leave his cries for vengeance against Kahn echoing through the tomb of Ricardo Montalban for ages. Shatnerquake is more fun than a barrel of Shatnermonkeys drunk on Shatnerbrau

Forums I Like

2009-04-28T19:11:00.000-07:00

I'm a regular patron of Horror.com's forums. Frequently very good discussion when we get around to talking about horror and some of the most knowledgeable people on the subject of cult film I've ever encountered. If you're looking to refine your taste in cult cinema, this is a great place to go. Recently a fellow Horror.com member and some friends branched out into a new forum www.thecinemaddicts.com. Catchy title and a smart group, too. I look forward to contributing to the place and having newer, fresher discussions. Drop by, make the place a little bigger and help online film recommendation and grassroots criticism prosper at either of these places. Fans who know something are a force to be reckoned with nowadays and I hope that only becomes more true over time.
If you decide to join cinemaddicts, put GarrettCook as your referrer. No, I am not enough of a whore to pimp something just for a prize, but I like prizes and I like these people.

Review of My Landlady the Lobotomist by Eckhard Gerdes

2009-04-21T18:24:00.000-07:00

My Landlady the Lobotomist by Eckhard Gerdes

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
Where the hell are my words? There's something truly great to say about this book. Something that nails it down like a Roman soldier would an impertinent messiah. Those words lurk in the head of a wise orangutan shaman in Borneo or something like it. Layers of headspace peel back or rush ahead with new revelations constantly in My Landlady the Lobobotomist, a story about heartbreak, the artistic process and the nature of one man's hell. And Godzilla. And his love for She-sus, the female messiah. And a dragonfly's love for an angelfish, which is a man's love for a woman. And an author's passionate love of language. This fourth great love, not that of one of Gerdes' conceptions but of Gerdes himself drives the book and where does it drive it? Into an uncharted, uncomfortable, occasionally overbearing country that belongs to him completely. My Landlady the Lobotomist is a pleasure to read, a blend of Bizarro and experimental fiction that is sure to leave the reader surprised and impressed. But these aren't quite the words. I've got a feeling an orangutan would know.

View all my reviews.

Chicago Center for Literature and Photography Reviews Murderland Part 1: H8...pretty harshly

2009-04-02T19:07:00.001-07:00

The Chicago Center for Literature and Photography just reviewed my book Murderland Part 1: H8. The review is pretty harsh, but hopefully those who read it will still be interested or might look further for other opinions. My heartfelt thanks go out to Jason Pettus from CCLAP.
Here's the review:
http://www.cclapcenter.com/2009/04/book_review_murderland_h8_by_g.html

Goodreads Review of Mykle Hansen's the Rampaging Fuckers of Everything on the Crazy Shitting Planet of the Vomit Atmosphere

2009-04-02T12:57:00.000-07:00

Rampaging Fuckers of Everything on the Crazy Shitting Planet of the Vomit Atmosphere by Mykle Hansen

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
Eminem once said "I am whatever you say I am" and the bold title of Mykle Hansen's book stands out as an unintentional echo of this statement for the Bizarro community. Provocateurs? Yup. Obsessed with sex and poo jokes? So was Dali. There is a triumphant shamelessness to the title of the book that resounds through its pages. If Mykle Hansen needed to eat puppies for breakfast to be himself, he would rap the table and scream "waiter, more puppy sauce!" These three novellas in the same place combine like robot lions into a samurai of glorious filth. The first of the three and my favorite, Monster Cocks, explores manhood, porn, self image and our emasculating modern world while at the same time presenting a tragic love story. Imagine Little Shop of Horrors with a sentient penis in a world of corporate tedium. Even if you can, you still haven't gotten a handle on what Hansen's voice and humor can do with the premise. The second Journey to the Center of Agnes Cuddlebottom, and my least favorite of the three concerns the colonization (or should I say colon-ization...spelled too similar! Doesn't work in print. Way to kill the joke, English language!) and exploration of an 80 year old prostitute's ass and the travails and triumphs of an eager scientist, a mercenary chimp and a plucky, very opportunistic Starbucks. A great exploration of greed, opportunism and our unbeatable desire for enterprise. Lastly, but certainly not least comes the delightfully chaotic and painfully visceral Crazy Shitting Planet. This story concerns a race of filthy, poverty stricken survivors on a planet covered in the excrement and garbage of a race of floating fat people. In part, it's reminiscent of Jeunet and Caro's Delicatessen with some South Park and straight, old school surrealism thrown in. It's a surprisingly cutting and very timely look at poverty, love, hope and ambition that defies description. Fantastic stuff all around. Hansen is dark, funny, smart and willing to defy our culture's perceptions of mature art in favor of the hard stuff. Humorless robots and lit fic loving schoolmarms need not apply.

View all my reviews.

Anomalous Appetites now available!

2009-03-24T08:14:00.000-07:00

The speculative poetry anthology Anomalous Appetites edited by John Irvine is now available and features my very unsettling poem "the Bruise". Check it out here:
http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/anomalous-appetites/3236199

Goodreads Review of Sabre's Call by Troy Chambers

2009-03-16T08:31:00.001-07:00

Sabre's Call by Troy Chambers

My review

rating: 3 of 5 stars
So Pasolini and Kenneth Anger walk into a bar. I don't have a punchline, but at its best Sabre's Call would reflect a meeting of these minds. Were Sabre's Call the book it thinks it is, it would be a revelation, a mature argument in favor of an ideology that seldom in this day and age presents mature arguments for itself. It would be a Promethean instead of a Luciferean endeavor and Chambers would convince several people to shed the yokes of one social topdog or another. Sabre's Call is bold, full of fairly transgressive (though occasionally uninspired) imagery and utterly devoid of shame or fear. For these things, Chambers has earned the third star in the review. Were the characters stronger, the book less of a mouthpiece and the plot better developed, it might have earned a fourth, which would be damn impressive for a book written by a Satanist conservative, since I'm a Gnostic Anarchist with a pretty wide socialist streak and a lot of concerns over declining ethics and widespread inhumanity. Chambers has a lot of literary and rhetorical growing to do and hopefully in the future, will extend into greater philosophical depth and go beyond proselytizing into revelation, which might not be altogether beyond him considering the fervor of his convictions and the brutal potential he exhibits.

View all my reviews.

My Goodreads review of the 27s by Eric Segalstad

2009-03-16T08:28:00.000-07:00

The 27s: The Greatest Myth of Rock & Roll by Eric Segalstad

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
Rock and roll can grab you in its teeth, gnash your heart to bits, open your mind so wide you can't keep cultural debris out, change your way of thinking and dressing, make you reconsider the flowers mother says are poisonous. The great voices and minds of rock and roll wield a cultural power that is shamanic at its highest resonances. But to walk with these spirits, is to dance with death, to become an icon of your generation sometimes means staying there forever, being remembered in a bathtub in Paris or a plaid 90s sepulcher with syringes strewn about. Eric Segalstad' s the 27s unabashedly, unashamedly and unrepentantly tells the story of these tragedies with sparkling language and beautiful illustrations. He uses insights into astrology and numerology to look into the roots and consequences of one of rock's black magic numbers. This is a book like no other. While there are any number of books about Jim, Jimi, Janis and Curt, there are few that place them in the company of the other casualties of their age, others who did not get to step through the gates into adulthood. I found myself really thinking about my upcoming 27th birthday, about the trials artists go through and about the sort of person who would sing lyrics like "I wish I was like you, easily amused..." and "hey, wait, I got a new complaint". This book shines, cuts and illuminates, all without saying that Jim Morrison was a six foot penis that penetrated the world til it went soft or turning into transparent DARE propaganda. That's a true accomplishment. This book covers everyone from Robert Johnson, to Canned Heat's Alan Wilson to Jeremy Ward of the Mars Volta. A must for any rock fan's shelf. The upcoming hardcover will be a must for their coffee table too.

View all my reviews.

Buy direct from Evil Nerd Empire!

2009-02-26T09:42:00.000-08:00

Get the first volume of my sociological Bizarro pulp saga, Murderland Part 1: H8 at www.evilnerdempire.com for 9 dollars plus shipping! Amazon price is $13.99 so it's a savings of almost five dollars! It's recession proof and flammable!

Low Blog Output

2009-02-20T08:28:00.000-08:00

The cattle drive's gone longer than expected. Screaming wendigos brandish enchanted pitchforks and call upon ancestor spirits to tear the flesh of my poor aurochs. Blessed bullets, constant prayer do little to hold them off. One can only wait for stillness in the skies.

Postmodern Antiblog Strike

2009-02-10T13:11:00.000-08:00

I'm on strike. In a week, I might actually begin putting up biographically pertinent information or selling out and providing you my "valuable" opinions. This is a tough decision. Blogging or antiblogging. Feedback?

Urban Legends Debunked: the Sasquatch

2009-02-02T15:45:00.000-08:00

The sasquatch is not so much an urban legend as a cryptid, but I feel it important to finally give everybody the real story on this gentle but blurry manape. He's been sighted all around the world in all kinds of different contexts, but seems native to the US, he's frequently helpful and curious but very protective of his identity. He moves quickly and disappears into the scenery. The traits of the sasquatch sound an awful lot like those of another celebrity whose name begins with an S. That's right, Superman.
"That's ridiculous," you say, "Superman wears a cape."
Well, you bastard, I'm getting to that.
During the sixties, superfoe Lex Luthor under the guise of one "Richard Nixon" engineered a plot so devious that the Legion of Doom threaten to expel him out of sheer disgust for it. The first step was to fake the death of CIA super-assassin and alien shapeshifter Marilyn Monroe in order to get Frank Sinatra to shoot then president JFK. Superman arrived on the scene to thwart the assassination, but did not expect to be the target of the hypnobeams Monroe fired from her nipples. Luthor had ordered her to destroy the Man of Steel, but Marilyn's soft heart got in the way again. During their many scraps on the set of Billy Wilder movies, the alien killer/troubled actress had fallen for the wrong man. Her background in Native American folklore helped her conceive of a way to let the Man of Steel carry on his battle for truth, justice and the American way in secret, by hypnotically suggesting that Superman was the sasquatch and finishing the illusion by trapping him in a cheap, sasquatch suit with a visible wristwatch (hence idiot skeptics and their accusations of faked bigfoot sitings) and since then, he has blurred through America righting wrongs and occasionally molesting wayward campers. Hey, even Superman has urges.

Spam box Q and A

2009-01-27T14:43:00.000-08:00

It seems that more of you gracious, loyal fans have sent fan mail to my spam box. Whether out of humility or sheer technical ineptitude, I still want to thank you. You guys are the diehards. You guys will be there for me when these presumptuous people who end up in my actual inbox are long gone. I realize most of these are not questions, but oh well.

Q: Indulge yourself with luxury timepiece.
A: Thanks for the advice. I'm thinking of putting up a Paypal button dedicated to a grandfather clock fund. So, if any of you wants to start things up with a small pledge, I'll take your money.

Q: Tired of being unable to perfom? Can't see images?
A: I'm afraid neither of those things apply to me. It's a good question, though as many of us authors feel we cannot perform and have trouble constructing the necessary images that make our worlds of wonder come to be. This is not a problem for me. I'm also not blind or impotent. If either of these things happens to you, you might have ocular testiculitis, a condition in which your testicles come out of your eyesockets. Seek help immediately,

Q: Hi, looking for the greatest gaming hot spots?
A: Here's somebody who really knows me. Any of my REAL friends know I am a diehard roulette enthusiast. I eat, drink and sleep roulette. Whenever I see something spinning and a man in a red vest doesn't hand me a thousand dollars in chips, I'm confused. I've been known to become violent during board games that use a spinner. Thanks for thinking of me and knowing that I'm on an eternal quest to find America's luckiest roulette wheel. Keep me posted, okay?

Autographed copies of Murderland Part 1: H8 now available!

2009-01-26T14:20:00.000-08:00

Autographed copies of my book Murderland part 1: H8 are now available for sale directly from me. Email me at thecentercannothold@gmail.com for more information.

It Must be True

2009-01-25T21:42:00.000-08:00

The swans are hungry. I hear rumbling beneath their feathers. Behind their cold bird eyes is a desire to turn their white plumes red. I'm onto you.

Koan

2009-01-23T12:24:00.000-08:00

A man came to the door carrying a turtle in an afro wig.
"I believe this turtle is yours," he said.
"I don't think so," I replied.
He said nothing and simply ran away, leaving the turtle on the doorstep.
Was he right?

More free entertainment!

2009-01-21T12:57:00.000-08:00

You can read more of my work at www.absurdist.cc or on my page at Goodreads.com. Also, on www.authorsden.com/garrettcook! ALSO at http://www.corpse.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=146&Itemid=1 (caution:filthy!)
Like love and friendship, all of these things are free.

Urban Legends Debunked! This Week: Clown Abductions

2009-01-19T09:16:00.000-08:00

Clowns are a nefarious bunch. From Lon Chaney to Bozo, to Tim Curry in It. People fear them for good reason, whether it be fear of being eaten, being stomped by pathos or simply fear of being molested and left for dead in a dumpster. It's been said since the seventies that clowns have been picking up children in white vans and killing or molesting them. This is not completely the truth. The fact is, yes, there is the occasional odd clown out who picks up children in his white van and eats them to gain immortality and favor in the eyes of the Erl King, but most clowns have another purpose, one just as sinister and far more irksome.
Clowns love I-Hop. Perhaps because I-Hop pancakes are partially made with flour ground from the bones of children. Maybe because clowns just have no taste. But, meager clown paychecks and frequent firings for their serial killing proclivities often leave them broke, with nothing to show for it but their sinister white van of doom. Clowns use this van to pick up children saying they'll take them to some magical land. Instead, they take them to I-Hop. The child is forced to eat a mediocre stoner breakfast dinner and then the clown does the old dine and dash. Children do not usually have money to pay the bills, so are forced to work in the I-Hop kitchen or made into flour for the awful pancakes. As these kitchens are filled with children the quality of food becomes more crappy and clownworthy and the dance of terror continues. If your child, has a cellphone, they'll call you to have you pick them up and you can pay the bill. But, these children are so ashamed and violated they usually won't. Since children are bad at math, unscrupulous I-Hop managers exploit this to make them work interminably. I hope you feel a bit safer now that this vicious urban legend has been debunked.

Bradley Sands is a Dick Anthology

2009-01-16T12:43:00.000-08:00

My story entitled Bradley Sands is a Dick (like all entries in this anthology) can be read at andersenprunty.com. Bizarro author Andersen Prunty gathered together experts on why his colleague Bradley Sands, editor of Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens is a dick. If you're looking for profane and surreal anti Bradley Sands propaganda, look no further. When you're done, you can vote on www.andersenprunty.com to chose who should be Bradley Sands' new nemesis. I hope it's me. That guy's a dick.

Spam box Q and A

2009-01-08T21:13:00.000-08:00

Every once in awhile (and by every once in awhile, I mean right now on a whim), I like to find out what's on the minds of my many, many fans, especially those who slip under the cracks and somehow end up in my spam box. Here are some of the 236 letters I received in the past seven days.

Q: Why did you leave me?
A:There were a lot of reasons. You were clingy, self-indulgent and loved to cry in public, sometimes for no reason at all. You borrowed my underwear without telling me and wet them just to make me hit you. So "Me" (as you've chosen to call yourself so as not to stoke my rage), there you have it. All the things that drove me away from you. The big, green mullet didn't help either.

Q: Where were you, man?
A: Dude, I was in Hawaii. If you knew me, you would know that I attend weekly Hawaii parties. But I guess we've been out of touch for awhile and you must have tried to meet up with me in Greenland. My Greenland phase is over. I'm a published author. Why eat BK Big Fish when you can eat caviar?

Q:Have you changed your number?
A: No, "Me", I have not changed my number, but all of these emails leave me seriously considering it. You must have missed me while I was at the big Hawaii party.

Q: Score on all the chicks tonight!
A: Not a question but thanks for the kind wishes.

Q: All designer watches! zfbw ew ibfa
A: Ibfa Ew Zbaf. Zafbif we.

Thanks, devoted fans! I'll answer more of these next week.

Bastard at the Mall

2009-01-07T10:08:00.000-08:00

I've decided to open up one of those idea booths you see all the time at the mall, as I am ill-suited toward more mundane pursuits. I got the idea yesterday when I was walking around the mall and saw an idea booth. The idea man was a giant, like most ideamen and wore the traditional mortarboard of the trade with pride.
"Hello," he boomed at me, "are you looking for an idea?"
"I don't think so," I said, "I got plenty."
"Just a dollar and it comes with free taffy!"
So I hand him my dollar.
"You, my friend, could be an idea man," he said, "mining the frontiers of consciousness for genius!"
"But I'm not a giant!" I protested.
He shrugged his enormous shoulders and laughed.
"No refunds!"
I walked out of the mall, knowing I'd been conned and went to the Goodwill to find myself some stilts.

My review of the Lost Episodes of Beatie Scareli as posted at www.goodreads.com

2009-01-02T11:22:00.000-08:00

The Lost Episodes of Beatie Scareli is a book that takes more risks than the rest of its genre.Your average lit fic bildungsroman depicts reality in a plotcentric realist mode that contradicts the frequent "the journey is its own reward" message or wishes to use the inner strength of heroine's going through a childhood hell to inspire in an Oprah books mode. Ginnetta Correli has written a book that would give Oprah pause. The adult world is ugly and nobody wishes to help. There is no good parent. There are no miracles. The only soundingboard for Beatie' s suffering is a stuffed rabbit. There is no redemption for Beatie's family, no chance at reconciliation. The realm of child abuse and neglect is shown through a sublime funhouse mirror where the only humor is terror at the rantings of Beatie's insane mother. Well done. My only critique is that the moments of surrealism and madness should have gone longer to better accentuate a chaotic world. For those looking for a newer, more brutal approach to the coming age story, check this out.