Fiction to order

A friend recently came up with a great idea that he shared with me. Stories to order. Provided with a theme, a type of character, a creature and a place by someone, I will put these together and give them a strange story to order or a couple pieces of flash fiction. For five dollars you can get your story told or receive a series of pieces of flash fiction involving these elements within a week.

OR you could get:

For you writers, budding writers and people curious about the process, see it at work and give yours a shot in the arm with five weird pitches. For three dollars you get five Bizarro ready, perhaps horror tinged strange ideas. One novel/novella length premise guaranteed.

Stories to order: five dollars, finished in a week
Five strange ideas: three dollars. given to the customer within three days
I accept Paypal only.

Email me at thecentercannothold@gmail.com if you're interested or have questions.

Both of these are guaranteed completely unique.

Come meet me!

I will be doing a signing and meet and greet event where I will be talking a bit about Bizarro on July 11th at 4 pm at the Borders in Naperville, Illinois. Get a signed copy of Murderland Part 1:H8 find out about Bizarro, spend some money and stay and chill. What else are you gonna do with your Saturday, go outside? That's where the wolves are and they ain't gettin' any tamer.

Book Review: Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed

Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed by Lance Carbuncle

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
Some things that are funnier than almost everything else:

Bassethounds

Old Bluesmen

Elvis

The Sasquatch

South of the Border (the pseudoMexican tourist trap)

The American South



Lance Carbuncle without being just completely dismissive of the South gives us a cool and scathing road trip through it's twists and turns. Full of colorful, weird characters, lawbreaking shenanigans and insights into existential confusion, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed delivers. Reminiscent of the films of Savage Steve Holland, Richard Linklater and the Farrelly Brothers and packed with humorous asides and notations, this book is oozing with fun, intelligence and humanity and hopefully will make it to the big screen someday.


View all my reviews.

Two Bits of Sad News

Number 1, I am now out of autographed copies of H8. Never again will I personally be selling a copy of this. Unless those Canadian high school kids who said they wanted one don't say anything soon, then one will be available. More on this later.

Number 2, and this came right from my spam box: Madonna is a Muslim now. As if Madonna has not given America enough reasons to be creeped out by her religion hopping, Baby Jane makeuping ways, she decides to become part of the Saracen horde that is trying to steal our freedom? You ain't takin' my freedom Madonna, not while people have guns and Hank Williams albums. You don't like this country, go back to England! Unless of course for once my spam box has steered me in the wrong direction. This is highly unlikely. A couple months ago, it said that Kelly Clarkson had been raped and I know that must have been true, since she was clearly so shaken she could not send a thank-you note for the muffin basket I sent to Simon Cowell's secretary to bring to her to help relieve her suffering. Kelly Clarkson is definitely the kind of person who would send you a thank-you note for a basket of muffins with a "Sorry You Were Raped" card.

But, in the midst of all of this "No more H8", "terrorist Madonna", "Kelly Clarkson traumatized by rape" talk, there is a silver lining thanks to Shatnerquake author Jeff Burk's tireless efforts. The Magazine of Bizarro Fiction is out and it has my story Mr. Plush, Detective in it. You can get it on Amazon if you just look for a second or find more info at www.bizarrocentral.com. I will let you know if those Canadian highschool kids don't take their copy of H8, the last one out of my personal stash, and if they decide not to, it will be available to the general public. Except for Madonna bin Laden and that ungrateful bitch Kelly Clarkson.

Don't be sad, little fella, I'll tell you where to find autographed copies of Murderland Part 1: H8!

I know what you're thinking. I know what haunts your dreams and threatens to steal your heart. You want to know where to purchase copies of Murderland Part 1: H8 from my personal book stash. Particularly autographed ones. I myself, am pretty much out of them, but don't despair! I've put some up for auction at www.horror-mall.com/auction_house and there's one on sale at Amazon directly through me. I have a whopping three copies for Horror Mall and one for Amazon, so act fast. Not just kind of fast, Sasquatch fast. Bid at Horror Mall's auction house! There, you'll find lots of cool limited edition collectible horror thingies, including Murderland which has a starting bid of $6.50, which ain't bad. Or if you're not the gambling type, grab the Amazon copy. Either way, Murderland can be yours!

Awesome title, two Beat novelists...and...nothin'!

And the Hippos Were Boiled in Their Tanks by William S. Burroughs

My review

rating: 3 of 5 stars
A curiosity piece at best. Burroughs and Kerouac were not at their weird, mystic best at this point and its understandable, but why this needs to resurface isn't. It's kind of a patronizing move and exploits the popularity of great writers without being any of their great writings. Shrug.


View all my reviews.

Dammit Jim, I'm a Doctor, Not a Postmodernist!

Shatnerquake by Jeff Burk

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars


I'm not much of a Trek fan. There, I said it. Draw me, quarter me, tar me, feather me. I'm not much of a Trek fan, but William Shatner is one of the most bizarre and intriguing personages in media history. From Kirk to a bizarre musical career to his numerous appearances in an eclectic array of commercials, I've found Shatner incredibly fascinating. Now in Shatnerquake, Jeff Burk explores the ins and outs of Shatnerdom, sci fi mania and the Jungian mess we live in. When a group of Bruce Campbell cultists sets off a fiction bomb, every Shatner comes together in one place, in a mayhem filled pop culture implosion that would bring tears to the eyes of Seth Macfarlane and leave his cries for vengeance against Kahn echoing through the tomb of Ricardo Montalban for ages. Shatnerquake is more fun than a barrel of Shatnermonkeys drunk on Shatnerbrau