It's Rotten Little Animals Day, so...BUY IT SCUMBAGS! Kevin Shamel' s superfun antisocial animal adventure is fun for all ages...except for children and old people. Mostly just fun for those between 18 and 59, but that's fun for a 41 year range. Ten dollars isn't bad for 41 years of fun. That's about a quarter a year for fun. Anyway, it's a funass experience so if you're not some kind of sissy little funbitch who can't take too much fun because you suck or because you're 17 or younger or 60 or older like a sucker you're missing out on a lot, you fartassed rapebait semenpants bastards. If you don't like being smacked with a brick by me, buy this book here: http://www.amazon.com/Rotten-Little-Animals-Kevin-Shamel/dp/193392991X/ref=pd_ts_b_78?ie=UTF8&s=books
Also, if you like rotten little stuffed animals, Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective preorders are still available here:
http://jimmyplush.blogspot.com/2010/04/preorders-still-available.html
Preorders come with free PDFs of some of my other books and chapters of a special Jimmy Plush serial starring the real and reprehensible Jimmy Plush, one of the main antagonists of Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective.
While I'm being pushy and a dick, join this Facebook group:
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=113384858673927&ref=mf
Stand up for Bizarro by buying it and sending out your good vibes.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Get the Magazine of Bizarro Fiction#3 autographed from me!
As I mentioned in my previous post, the issue 3 of the Magazine of Bizarro Fiction is not one to miss! With stories by Cody Goodfellow, Bruce Taylor and lots of other great stuff, it would already be worth your hard earned 6.95 without my novella Re-Mancipator. Re-Mancipator is one of the weirdest, most satirical and most unusual things I've ever done and I'm proud to put my John Hancock on The Magazine that contains it. So, if you want a copy of this, it will be sent out as soon as I receive my contributor copies and it will be autographed by me. Only 6.95 plus three shipping to read the great fiction, read the great comics and see a story like I've never written before, the magazine's featured novella, 10,000 words of zombie Lincoln lizard conspiracy fun like you ain't ever seen before. Get it here:
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Blogsplosion!
Blog! I've done some minor redesign and updating of this blog. Woo! Minor blog updates! YEAH! Are you as excited as I am? It would be easy for you to be, because I'm not all that excited. It was actually fairly banal. But what's not fairly banal is that I've updated things so you can read THREE MORE STORIES! THREE! Woo! One of these I forgot about so did not post on. The other two I had shopped around for years, but finally found homes for. One in the Kek-w Quarterly, a cool experimental fiction blog and the other in 8clouds, Jude Coulter-Pultz' s blog for fun new speculative fiction from writers you might not have heard of. Writers like me. Jude is the cover artist from Archelon Ranch and a person of peculiar and distinctive taste. You'll like the stories there. Scroll down the "about me and my work" tab to the right and you'll find them. Also added is a link to buy the 3rd issue of The Magazine of Bizarro Fiction#3 off Amazon, featuring stories by Monica O' Rourke, Bruce Taylor, Cody Goodfellow and myself. I'm proud to have the feature novella Remancipator in this issue. If you always suspected that if Abe Lincoln were brought back to life, he would no doubt start an orgy of zombie carnage, this is the story for you. Time travel, conspiracies, space lizards, a flamberge fight with Marilyn Monroe...this story has lots of cool stuff for you to enjoy. And speaking of cool stuff, Magazine of Bizarro Fiction editor Jeff Burk has just released his second book Super Giant Monster time! As Junior Whoopass Ensign of the Spectacular Seven and author of Shatnerquake, Burk's work always promises a good time for readers. Especially since it's a Choose Your Own Adventure book! Woo! That's worth getting excited about! Get it here: http://www.amazon.com/Super-Giant-Monster-Time-Jeff/dp/1933929960/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1268507225&sr=1-1
Monday, March 1, 2010
Get Involved!
My friend and fellow Bizarro author Cameron Pierce (my Funclub's Waycool Demolitions Expert) is extending a cool offer to readers, a chance to get involved in the process in a unique and fun way. Check it out here:
http://www.bizarrocentral.com/forum/2-general-discussion/25942-help-sponsor-my-writing-marathon.html
Bizarro has a unique relationship with its readership, a relationship that is, I believe, unprecedented in literary communities. What other literary movements let you help us buy groceries in exchange for a chance to win awesome and unique prizes or help us get books finished or attend events in exchange for unique literary swag? None. So vote for awesomeness with your dollar.
http://www.bizarrocentral.com/forum/2-general-discussion/25942-help-sponsor-my-writing-marathon.html
Bizarro has a unique relationship with its readership, a relationship that is, I believe, unprecedented in literary communities. What other literary movements let you help us buy groceries in exchange for a chance to win awesome and unique prizes or help us get books finished or attend events in exchange for unique literary swag? None. So vote for awesomeness with your dollar.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Catching Up and By the Way the Works of David Lynch are Obvious
These past couple months I have fallen wildly behind, so this week I'm nailing myself to the giant green leather armchair I dragged home and finishing up the stuff for my Funclub, people on the Plushlist and all the others I've left in the lurch while personal difficulties left me defeated. I apologize to everybody who's waiting for stuff, but I assure what you get will be worth it. Convalescence, writing and exercise are the name of the game from here on in. Wish me luck, blogskateers. On another note, since Inland Empire, I've noticed it's becoming trendy to call David Lynch needlessly obtuse. This is not so. Mulholland Drive and Inland Empire suffer from transparency. If anything, their thematic elements are so blatant that it ruins the enjoyment of the so-called puzzle. Stop pretending David Lynch is too complicated and stop acting like you're some kind of supersleuth as you attempt to find meaning that's right in front of your face. If you'd like to attach meaning to something which wears its purpose and philosophy on its sleeve, I suggest you begin delving into the hidden themes in the portraiture of John Copley or in Kraft cheese singles. So, there we go, David Lynch is obvious, I'm getting back on track so you'll get some more swag soon enough and I'm still never going to eat another grapefruit in my life.
Monday, January 4, 2010
New Year's Resolution Diet Log: An Open Letter to the Grapefruit
Dear Grapefruit,
What the fuck? Are you kidding me? I finish eating a juicy, sticky, marginally satisfying orange. This does not sate me. So, I look through the fruit bowl and I spy what looks to be a juicier, stickier, more substantial orange. This orange fucking rocks. I'd heard tell that there might be grapefruits in that bowl, but I've been doing jumping jacks and squat thrusts and I'm hungry so I ignore this warning. Big fucking mistake. I reach into the bowl and find you, posing as an orange you transfructite you, and I start to peel you. This is when your true nature becomes obvious. But I've started peeling. What am I gonna do?
"Well," I tell myself, "you look to be about the same color as a tangerine, which is delicious, so you too must be at least somewhat delicious."
"Of course I am," you tell me, "why would people eat me if I tasted bad?"
I've heard this argument from broccoli and caviar before and I should have ignored it then just as I should ignore it now.
I take a bite. What the fuck are you? A big pink ball of wasabe? Ouch. If lemons had anuses, they would taste like you, grapefruit. I douse you in grenadine, which should be able to make you delicious, but you laugh as you negate its pomegranate goodness with your sour lemon anus taste. You should be ashamed of yourself, grapefruit. That shouldn't be. You shouldn't be. I am never eating you again and the four people who will read this post en route to buying nothing are advised to do the same. You suck, grapefruit. I'm glad I threw you away. At least you've succeeded in killing my appetite. I'm pretty sure nothing short of pussy or tiramisu can get your infernal taste out of my mouth, a mouth which I have no desire to put anything else in. Except for pussy and tiramisu.
Yours in eternal hatred,
Garrett Cook
P.S
Fucking die.
What the fuck? Are you kidding me? I finish eating a juicy, sticky, marginally satisfying orange. This does not sate me. So, I look through the fruit bowl and I spy what looks to be a juicier, stickier, more substantial orange. This orange fucking rocks. I'd heard tell that there might be grapefruits in that bowl, but I've been doing jumping jacks and squat thrusts and I'm hungry so I ignore this warning. Big fucking mistake. I reach into the bowl and find you, posing as an orange you transfructite you, and I start to peel you. This is when your true nature becomes obvious. But I've started peeling. What am I gonna do?
"Well," I tell myself, "you look to be about the same color as a tangerine, which is delicious, so you too must be at least somewhat delicious."
"Of course I am," you tell me, "why would people eat me if I tasted bad?"
I've heard this argument from broccoli and caviar before and I should have ignored it then just as I should ignore it now.
I take a bite. What the fuck are you? A big pink ball of wasabe? Ouch. If lemons had anuses, they would taste like you, grapefruit. I douse you in grenadine, which should be able to make you delicious, but you laugh as you negate its pomegranate goodness with your sour lemon anus taste. You should be ashamed of yourself, grapefruit. That shouldn't be. You shouldn't be. I am never eating you again and the four people who will read this post en route to buying nothing are advised to do the same. You suck, grapefruit. I'm glad I threw you away. At least you've succeeded in killing my appetite. I'm pretty sure nothing short of pussy or tiramisu can get your infernal taste out of my mouth, a mouth which I have no desire to put anything else in. Except for pussy and tiramisu.
Yours in eternal hatred,
Garrett Cook
P.S
Fucking die.
Friday, November 27, 2009
English Teachers Are Concerned About Murderland Part 1:h8
Goodreads.com, cultural barometer, salon wherein great minds gather: a group of educators are deeply concerned. They have seen a new threat to children's intellectual development and way of life. Reefer? Syphilis? The poetry is homosexual commie propagandists in the Greenwich village scene? Even worse than that! Underground Experimental Bizarro Horror. The Murderland series in particular. This book could be the death knell to the already fragile minds of the children of New Hampshire!
In Keene, NH, intellectual Utopia and experimental fiction capital of America, Kim was looking for an age appropriate book to teach her impressionable students when she happened upon dangerous smut tome Murderland part 1:h8 by extreme sports loving heroin addict pornographer Garrett Cook. She was horrified by what she saw. This was her reaction:
"I love dystopian satire, and I thought that's what this was, but it appears to be written by some gamer in his basement. I can't give an honest review, because I just couldn't finish this crass, over-the-top commentary, despite the fact that it's tiny. I felt dirty reading it. Perhaps it is like the type of book those who enjoy horror punk or SAW movies or Grand Theft Auto. That's certainly not me!"
When reached for commentary, Cook said "Dude, I freakin' love GTA! When will they make another Saw? When they chained that Robin Hood: Men in Tights dude to a radiator CLA-ASSSIC!" Then he air-guitarred enter Sandman for three hours straight, ate five pounds of cookie dough and sacrificed a dog to Satan. An adorable dog. Kim had a deep understanding of horror and experimental fiction, as a fan of such edgy intellectual contemporary novels as Diary of a Wimpy Kid and "lots of Oprah reads". It's clear that Murderland was not for Oprah, nor was it for high school English teachers! Some of you skeptics might think Kim was just "narrowminded", "square" or behind the times, but think again!
The story of Mrs. Kelly Budd might change your mind. Like your standard New Hampshire English teacher, Kelly Budd is a graduate of the Sorbonne and Bram Stoker Award juror, so her knowledge of horror and underground literature is pretty substantial. Having read all of the works of Stephen King and Anne Rice, Kelly Budd's threshold for terror was pretty high. So, for Murderland to prompt her to say:
"I fear that the readers of this book will teen boys who like slash and dash" is a dreadful portent of Murderland's potential effects on this culture! When reached for comment on this, Garrett Cook was standing outside one of New Hampshire's fine public schools trying to sell marijuana and copies of the recent remake of The Hitcher to students. Society is doomed!
But, if you're one of those people foolish enough to think that New Hampshire English teachers aren't better arbiters of culture than horror and Bizarro novelists and Bizarro fans, then maybe you should pick up a copy for yourself and see what's got New Hampshire English teachers worried about their students. You can get it HERE for the cookie dough eating, GTA loving, Saw addled pervert teenage slasher movie metal head gamer retard in your life! Who won't understand a damn word of this book and would never purchase it. And if you think New Hampshire English teachers are alienated by this, imagine what they would think of an ultraviolent teddy bear who fights Furries, giant gangsters and flesh eating sexually deviant cops! You can preorder my next intellectually vacant filthfest with no emotional center or redeeming social values HERE and get two dollars off because it's Black Friday, a day Satan worshipping pornographers like myself LIVE for! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
In Keene, NH, intellectual Utopia and experimental fiction capital of America, Kim was looking for an age appropriate book to teach her impressionable students when she happened upon dangerous smut tome Murderland part 1:h8 by extreme sports loving heroin addict pornographer Garrett Cook. She was horrified by what she saw. This was her reaction:
"I love dystopian satire, and I thought that's what this was, but it appears to be written by some gamer in his basement. I can't give an honest review, because I just couldn't finish this crass, over-the-top commentary, despite the fact that it's tiny. I felt dirty reading it. Perhaps it is like the type of book those who enjoy horror punk or SAW movies or Grand Theft Auto. That's certainly not me!"
When reached for commentary, Cook said "Dude, I freakin' love GTA! When will they make another Saw? When they chained that Robin Hood: Men in Tights dude to a radiator CLA-ASSSIC!" Then he air-guitarred enter Sandman for three hours straight, ate five pounds of cookie dough and sacrificed a dog to Satan. An adorable dog. Kim had a deep understanding of horror and experimental fiction, as a fan of such edgy intellectual contemporary novels as Diary of a Wimpy Kid and "lots of Oprah reads". It's clear that Murderland was not for Oprah, nor was it for high school English teachers! Some of you skeptics might think Kim was just "narrowminded", "square" or behind the times, but think again!
The story of Mrs. Kelly Budd might change your mind. Like your standard New Hampshire English teacher, Kelly Budd is a graduate of the Sorbonne and Bram Stoker Award juror, so her knowledge of horror and underground literature is pretty substantial. Having read all of the works of Stephen King and Anne Rice, Kelly Budd's threshold for terror was pretty high. So, for Murderland to prompt her to say:
"I fear that the readers of this book will teen boys who like slash and dash" is a dreadful portent of Murderland's potential effects on this culture! When reached for comment on this, Garrett Cook was standing outside one of New Hampshire's fine public schools trying to sell marijuana and copies of the recent remake of The Hitcher to students. Society is doomed!
But, if you're one of those people foolish enough to think that New Hampshire English teachers aren't better arbiters of culture than horror and Bizarro novelists and Bizarro fans, then maybe you should pick up a copy for yourself and see what's got New Hampshire English teachers worried about their students. You can get it HERE for the cookie dough eating, GTA loving, Saw addled pervert teenage slasher movie metal head gamer retard in your life! Who won't understand a damn word of this book and would never purchase it. And if you think New Hampshire English teachers are alienated by this, imagine what they would think of an ultraviolent teddy bear who fights Furries, giant gangsters and flesh eating sexually deviant cops! You can preorder my next intellectually vacant filthfest with no emotional center or redeeming social values HERE and get two dollars off because it's Black Friday, a day Satan worshipping pornographers like myself LIVE for! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
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