Spam box Q and A

It seems that more of you gracious, loyal fans have sent fan mail to my spam box. Whether out of humility or sheer technical ineptitude, I still want to thank you. You guys are the diehards. You guys will be there for me when these presumptuous people who end up in my actual inbox are long gone. I realize most of these are not questions, but oh well.

Q: Indulge yourself with luxury timepiece.
A: Thanks for the advice. I'm thinking of putting up a Paypal button dedicated to a grandfather clock fund. So, if any of you wants to start things up with a small pledge, I'll take your money.

Q: Tired of being unable to perfom? Can't see images?
A: I'm afraid neither of those things apply to me. It's a good question, though as many of us authors feel we cannot perform and have trouble constructing the necessary images that make our worlds of wonder come to be. This is not a problem for me. I'm also not blind or impotent. If either of these things happens to you, you might have ocular testiculitis, a condition in which your testicles come out of your eyesockets. Seek help immediately,

Q: Hi, looking for the greatest gaming hot spots?
A: Here's somebody who really knows me. Any of my REAL friends know I am a diehard roulette enthusiast. I eat, drink and sleep roulette. Whenever I see something spinning and a man in a red vest doesn't hand me a thousand dollars in chips, I'm confused. I've been known to become violent during board games that use a spinner. Thanks for thinking of me and knowing that I'm on an eternal quest to find America's luckiest roulette wheel. Keep me posted, okay?

Autographed copies of Murderland Part 1: H8 now available!

Autographed copies of my book Murderland part 1: H8 are now available for sale directly from me. Email me at thecentercannothold@gmail.com for more information.

It Must be True

The swans are hungry. I hear rumbling beneath their feathers. Behind their cold bird eyes is a desire to turn their white plumes red. I'm onto you.

Koan

A man came to the door carrying a turtle in an afro wig.
"I believe this turtle is yours," he said.
"I don't think so," I replied.
He said nothing and simply ran away, leaving the turtle on the doorstep.
Was he right?

More free entertainment!

You can read more of my work at www.absurdist.cc or on my page at Goodreads.com. Also, on www.authorsden.com/garrettcook! ALSO at http://www.corpse.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=146&Itemid=1 (caution:filthy!)
Like love and friendship, all of these things are free.

Urban Legends Debunked! This Week: Clown Abductions

Clowns are a nefarious bunch. From Lon Chaney to Bozo, to Tim Curry in It. People fear them for good reason, whether it be fear of being eaten, being stomped by pathos or simply fear of being molested and left for dead in a dumpster. It's been said since the seventies that clowns have been picking up children in white vans and killing or molesting them. This is not completely the truth. The fact is, yes, there is the occasional odd clown out who picks up children in his white van and eats them to gain immortality and favor in the eyes of the Erl King, but most clowns have another purpose, one just as sinister and far more irksome.
Clowns love I-Hop. Perhaps because I-Hop pancakes are partially made with flour ground from the bones of children. Maybe because clowns just have no taste. But, meager clown paychecks and frequent firings for their serial killing proclivities often leave them broke, with nothing to show for it but their sinister white van of doom. Clowns use this van to pick up children saying they'll take them to some magical land. Instead, they take them to I-Hop. The child is forced to eat a mediocre stoner breakfast dinner and then the clown does the old dine and dash. Children do not usually have money to pay the bills, so are forced to work in the I-Hop kitchen or made into flour for the awful pancakes. As these kitchens are filled with children the quality of food becomes more crappy and clownworthy and the dance of terror continues. If your child, has a cellphone, they'll call you to have you pick them up and you can pay the bill. But, these children are so ashamed and violated they usually won't. Since children are bad at math, unscrupulous I-Hop managers exploit this to make them work interminably. I hope you feel a bit safer now that this vicious urban legend has been debunked.

Bradley Sands is a Dick Anthology

My story entitled Bradley Sands is a Dick (like all entries in this anthology) can be read at andersenprunty.com. Bizarro author Andersen Prunty gathered together experts on why his colleague Bradley Sands, editor of Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens is a dick. If you're looking for profane and surreal anti Bradley Sands propaganda, look no further. When you're done, you can vote on www.andersenprunty.com to chose who should be Bradley Sands' new nemesis. I hope it's me. That guy's a dick.