Sunday, December 21, 2008

Buy Murderland Part 1: H8 Dudes!

Buy Murderland Part 1:H8! Buy seven! You'd buy it if it were a lubricant. You'd buy it if Jessica Simpson were involved. You'd buy it if it was weed. What if all three are true and you don't know it? Buy it! Buy seven!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Blue Oyster Cult

Today I'm going to live my life as if my favorite band was Blue Oyster Cult. I won't buy any Blue Oyster Cult merchandise, it will be philosophical thing. I will appreciated slow, methodical percussion. I won't fear the reaper, especially if he comes in the form of something as awesome as Godzilla. I imagine the reaper can do that, like Gozer in Ghostbusters. Carpe Diem people, heed the words of Blue Oyster Cult, my favorite band ever.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

How to Buy Murderland Part 1: H8 by Garrett Cook

1.) Tell your mom and dad that if they don't let you borrow their credit card, you know they don't love you anymore.
2.) Credit card in hand, go to Be careful not to go to
3.) Type in Murderland Part 1: H8 under search.
4.) Click on buy.
5.) Choose the type of credit card.
6.) Enter the number.
7.) Tell your mommy and daddy they're the best mommy and daddy ever.
8.) Enjoy a nice cup of hot cocoa.
9.) When mommy and daddy are sleeping go out to the tool shed.
10.) Get daddy's chainsaw.
11.) Make them pay for what they've done to you.
12.) Use their credit card to buy copies for all your friends, and kids at school who you wish were your friends, including that girl you like. She'll think you're supercool. Particularly if you tell her you just killed your parents. She'll totally let you get to second.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Roadhouse Blues

Everywhere I go, there's a band of Jim Morrisons trying to keep me down. You'd think they'd be all about free expression and whatnot, but nope. They're all trying to keep me down. Hopefully, something can be done. Lousy Jim Morrisons. Everywhere it's Jim Morrisons.

Monday, December 1, 2008

A Summation of Today's Dire Sentiments