Thursday, December 23, 2010

Merry Posthuman Zombie Christmas, Charlie Brown!: A Blockhead's Inferno

A holiday gift of sorts. I do not own any of the characters used in this poem and mean the utmost respect to Charles M. Schultz and his creations, but this idea was too much fun to pass up. Thanks for the inspiration, Charles! And here's the poem

Merry Posthuman Zombie Christmas, Charlie Brown! A Blockhead's Inferno

In time of greatest loneliness and hurt,
When I had no solace, no comfort and no gang
I woke up and put on my zig zag shirt

Found a chair and a rope in hope that I might hang
With nuclear winter and zombie hordes outside
And every man a foaming, rabid thing

“Good grief!” I thought, “Would it matter if I died
With the awful hand this wasted world’s been dealt.”
When a shade with a blue blanket appeared at my side.

Had I gone mad for all the things I felt?
I jumped to my feet, the figure I embraced
“Could that be my old friend Linus Van Pelt

The theologian and academic disgrace,
The paragon of decency and clarity?”
“Charlie Brown,” he said, “I’ve come bearing advice

And hope to cure your terror and temerity,
I dwell in death by The Great Pumpkin’s throne,
Rewarded forever for a lifetime of sincerity

He saw that it’s Christmas time and you’re alone
In a postapocalyptic zombie wasteland
And since his ways are gentle and divine

He thought that I should come lend you a hand.”
“Good grief,” said I, “your words are hard to swallow!”
“Tis true,” he said, “I come at his command

I’m here to lead you, I just ask that you follow.”
I shrugged and I muttered “good grief” in the normal fashion
I’d keep my life although it felt quite hollow

I took his hand and we proceeded outside with caution
To avoid the fangs of radioactive ghouls
In roving gangs reacting with aggression

At those misguided and deluded fools
That went outside with requisite abandon
That they should gamble with their organs and their souls

In hopes that they would be the last one standing
But awaiting me outside instead of struggle
Was the wooden house of my old canine companion

And sitting atop, of course my dear dead beagle
He motioned for us to come join him and my heart softened
To see my dear friend in his aviator goggles

Though a doghouse is an odd thing to go aloft in
The beagle was just as much eagle as he was mammal
A suitable foe indeed for Von Richtoffen

Doghouse was in his heart a Sopwith camel
And little dog a Hercules and a Sampson
Felt warm and safe until I heard a rumble

And saw behind us a Fokker painted crimson
Brave Snoopy’s house weaved past the spitting Spandaus,
Shot back with his Vickers like many a noble Briton

Who’d lost his life fulfilling wartime vows
But who better than a dog to be in a dogfight
Taking on the Red Baron in a doghouse

Though we shook and flew rough, the ace laughed in delight
Even with the hungry Fokker seeking blood
For the Baron was having just as hard a flight

And with his Vickers Snoopy mad himself understood
That things would not turn out as the Kaiser planned
And that it would do the Germans little good

To avenge the murder of Archduke Ferdinand
It was looking ludicrous and not quite sane
The Baron’s plane seemed destined for the ground.

Smoke billowed from the wing of the Baron’s plane
And the dying Fokker started to spin and reel,
And Manfred Von Richtoffen once again went down

So Snoopy’s nemesis had his fate sealed
I’d seen it before and damn it wasn’t pretty
What hits the ground, the dead take for a meal

They tear through skin with teeth that have no pity
Swallowing hearts and livers and chomping intestines
We flew past the carnage to other parts of the city

To continue to validate my bleak existence
Snoopy idled the plane above a fenced in compound
So I could see a sight for which I was destined

There was a girl in black leather and men were gathered round
As she swayed about in her mock ecstasy
Imagining themselves bruised, beaten bound

Said Linus “is that not a sight to see?
Before you is my crabby sister Lucy
Who could make no living at nickel psychiatry

She’s found a niche being teasing and abusive
She might not give you a chance to kick that football
But other offers aren’t quite as elusive.”

And outside seeking to make the fence fall
Was Freida without her naturally curly hair
I laughed to see the arrogant bitch gone bald

It would have been too much for her to bear
Amidst the zombies, Marcy was gnawing Patty
Her sandaled superior no longer called sir

Among them Pigmen no longer seemed ratty
Each one had a cloud of flies and nasty odor
A toothless Peggie Jean, no longer pretty

Wouldn’t make me shy, but I pitied Schroder
Still pounding idly away at his toy piano
Rewarded with only noise for his musical fervor

I broke down and begged for Linus to let me go
“Why take me out here and show me the world I sick?”
Gentle Linus replied, “I’ve one thing one thing left to show

You.” I trusted him and knew that it was no trick
For Linus Van Pelt was a man of piety
Snoopy landed at an empty lot where Linus showed me a stick

Not quite a stick, for pine needles clung to it idly
First green I’d seen to whether the disaster
He said “once you would have called this thing a Christmas tree

And trimmed it with all the caring you could muster
It lives, though society has tumbled down.
Keep this tree and here’s a nickel to pay for my sister.”

They flew me home quick and left me on my own
And called behind them with utmost holiday cheer
“Merry Posthuman Zombie Christmas, Charlie Brown!”

And Merry Christmas to my fans, my friends, my family and my Bizarro cohorts!

Sunday, December 12, 2010


No doubt inspired by Tron Legacy, a popular film I am mentioning to pad my hit count, Legumeman Books are selling their ebooks for only 1.99. Get transgressive and exciting titles like Archelon Ranch, Dinnerbell for the Dreamworms, A Million Versions of Right, Spare Key and 10 A Boot 20 Stomping a Human Face 30 Go to 10 downloaded to your computer bookreading machine for dirt cheap! And the best part is, for those of you who want to defend controversial WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, who, like Legumeman is also from Australia, you don't have to buy these books on Amazon. In fact, you get them from Smashwords.

And if you do like buying books from Amazon, you can buy the print versions from Amazon. It's a pretty sweet deal for everyone. Australians of all kinds need your money.

Julian Assange, shown here being exploited for crass commercialism. He looks sort of like Dr. Who's Matt Smith.

Australian Jeff Bridges impersonator Matthew Revert, one of the founders of Legumeman books.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Bizarro Holiday Guide

So, you're looking for some gifts for the man/woman/transsexual werewolf who has everything. Not surprisingly, I have a solution for you. It's always good when people know what to buy when we don't, right? Right? Hmmm. Turns out I don't care how you reply to that sucker. Because I will not let good taste get in the way of selling you books that I believe in. FIVE books that I believe in.

1. The Deadheart Shelters by Forrest Armstrong

Mellow, sentimental, showing touches of hiphop, Romanticism and surrealism, this book bleeds heartache and genius. For fans of Jodorowsky, Lynch and poetry in all its forms, or for those seeking a thoughtful gift that is thoughtful in every sense of the word, I recommend The Deadheart Shelters by Forrest Armstrong. Hip hop poetics and a powerful imagination along with a genuine passion for the word makes this transcendently wonderful.


2. Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy

You have a friend who laughs at inappropriate moments? Who has an absurd sense of humor, a love of the nonsequitur and a disdain for the mundane? Don't just get him a box set of Adult Swim crap.You could. Or you could get him this kickass book with a kickass title by Bizarro writer Bradley Sands. Poetry about Die Hard, Leatherface, Shakespeare and more, poetry that will make them laugh until they shit themselves.

3. King Scratch

It's hard to shop for the true cult film geek. The dude who has a Pieces poster over his bed and celebrates Fritz Lang's birthday with a Scarlet Street/Woman in the Window double feature. You know in the end you're gonna lose your balls and give them an Amazon gift card, which, while it's basically good as cash, isn't too thoughtful and is a coward's way out. Jordan Krall's King Scratch is the sleaziest, weirdest, cult noir nightmare ever, a phatasmagoric literary journey like nothing they've ever read. Golden showers, Lincoln's assassin, a trunk full of babies...truly cult. Truly cool.

4.Apeshit by Carlton Mellick III

The gorehound in your life might also have a Pieces poster. But he probably thinks that movie wasn't brutal enough. He's probably grown weary of Argento and Jason and everything that people think is the slasher film, even though he owns them all and loves them like family members. Apeshit is what a gorehound's parents think the filth they were watching is. Apeshit revolves the most perverted group of teens ever and they're out in the woods and...horrible things is what. Let the sicko you buy this for find out what. Even if you are that sicko, no fun ruining the surprise!

5. Bizarro Starter Kit Purple

Ten Bizarro novellas by ten awesome talents. Yes, one of them is me. But I think I'm pretty good. Keep this for yourself.