Friday, November 27, 2009

English Teachers Are Concerned About Murderland Part 1:h8, cultural barometer, salon wherein great minds gather: a group of educators are deeply concerned. They have seen a new threat to children's intellectual development and way of life. Reefer? Syphilis? The poetry is homosexual commie propagandists in the Greenwich village scene? Even worse than that! Underground Experimental Bizarro Horror. The Murderland series in particular. This book could be the death knell to the already fragile minds of the children of New Hampshire!
In Keene, NH, intellectual Utopia and experimental fiction capital of America, Kim was looking for an age appropriate book to teach her impressionable students when she happened upon dangerous smut tome Murderland part 1:h8 by extreme sports loving heroin addict pornographer Garrett Cook. She was horrified by what she saw. This was her reaction:
"I love dystopian satire, and I thought that's what this was, but it appears to be written by some gamer in his basement. I can't give an honest review, because I just couldn't finish this crass, over-the-top commentary, despite the fact that it's tiny. I felt dirty reading it. Perhaps it is like the type of book those who enjoy horror punk or SAW movies or Grand Theft Auto. That's certainly not me!"
When reached for commentary, Cook said "Dude, I freakin' love GTA! When will they make another Saw? When they chained that Robin Hood: Men in Tights dude to a radiator CLA-ASSSIC!" Then he air-guitarred enter Sandman for three hours straight, ate five pounds of cookie dough and sacrificed a dog to Satan. An adorable dog. Kim had a deep understanding of horror and experimental fiction, as a fan of such edgy intellectual contemporary novels as Diary of a Wimpy Kid and "lots of Oprah reads". It's clear that Murderland was not for Oprah, nor was it for high school English teachers! Some of you skeptics might think Kim was just "narrowminded", "square" or behind the times, but think again!
The story of Mrs. Kelly Budd might change your mind. Like your standard New Hampshire English teacher, Kelly Budd is a graduate of the Sorbonne and Bram Stoker Award juror, so her knowledge of horror and underground literature is pretty substantial. Having read all of the works of Stephen King and Anne Rice, Kelly Budd's threshold for terror was pretty high. So, for Murderland to prompt her to say:
"I fear that the readers of this book will teen boys who like slash and dash" is a dreadful portent of Murderland's potential effects on this culture! When reached for comment on this, Garrett Cook was standing outside one of New Hampshire's fine public schools trying to sell marijuana and copies of the recent remake of The Hitcher to students. Society is doomed!
But, if you're one of those people foolish enough to think that New Hampshire English teachers aren't better arbiters of culture than horror and Bizarro novelists and Bizarro fans, then maybe you should pick up a copy for yourself and see what's got New Hampshire English teachers worried about their students. You can get it HERE for the cookie dough eating, GTA loving, Saw addled pervert teenage slasher movie metal head gamer retard in your life! Who won't understand a damn word of this book and would never purchase it. And if you think New Hampshire English teachers are alienated by this, imagine what they would think of an ultraviolent teddy bear who fights Furries, giant gangsters and flesh eating sexually deviant cops! You can preorder my next intellectually vacant filthfest with no emotional center or redeeming social values HERE and get two dollars off because it's Black Friday, a day Satan worshipping pornographers like myself LIVE for! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Black Friday tomorrow!

Tomorrow is the most hellish retail day of the year. The mall will be crawling with human refuse willing to fight to the death for the latest hot everythings, but there's a solution that will allow to be a redblooded American capitalist pig without sacrificing life and limb. Online shopping. Stay home and shop online. It's easy. Now, the question remains "What do I buy?" Well, if you scroll down on the right side, you will see my bibliography and then a list of people and things that are awesome. Give your friends and family something unique this year, something perverse...something Bizarro. With books ranging from Jeff Burk's Shatnerquake to Eric Mays' Kafkaesque/Stoppardian Hamlet Naked Metamorphosis to Jordan Krall's Fistful of Feet to my own Murderland series, Bizarro has anything for the intellectually adventurous and hard to shop for people in your life. I'm also running a special on Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective preorders. You can preorder the latest adventures of Jimmy Plush and get some free egifts to periodically tide you or your loved one over until the book hits the shelves for only $8 tomorrow. This includes domestic shipping. I will not give free foreign shipping, but foreigners can get on the preorder list for just $18 and will get lots of egifts along the way. Also, if you want your loved-one to have a chance to win a cuddly but deadly one-of-a-kind Jimmy Plush teddy bear, you can preorder the Limited Edition which will come signed and numbered with a special origin chapbook. The bear WILL ship in time for Christmas. Only 2 of these Limited Editions remain, so act fast! Find out about and preorder Jimmy Plush here: and get ready for a season of thrills, laughs, mystery and weirdness courtesy of me and some others, like Naked Metamorphosis author Eric Mays!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Manuscript Critiques

Some of you lucky people can benefit from my experience as a writer and submissions editor for Evil Nerd Empire and Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens. For fifty dollars, I will read your manuscript, make notes and give suggestions for tweaking your premise. I may also, if the book is good enough offer advice for appropriate markets for it. Fifty dollars to jumpstart a career? Sounds like a bargain to me.

Manuscript critique

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Looks Like God Doesn't Hate You After All!

Download five free Bizarro books, courtesy of Eraserhead Press and Jeff Burk's Wordpress page. Awesome.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

My book is a robot book

Like Archelon Ranch? Afraid of paper? Only have 3.52 in your bank account? Well, don't cry about it over three wrapperless McDoubles. Buy the ebook! Ebook stands for "extremely awesome book", which is a great description for primordial mindfuck Archelon Ranch. Legumeman is also doing a two-for-one deal, which will let you get Matt Revert's awesome and freaky short story collection A Million Versions of Right or Frederick Hamilton's Spare Key for FREE if you buy it. So, stop sucking down Mc Doubles or a pound of Spaghetti and a Foster's and get this book! You won't be sorry.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Dear Overseas Fanbase

If you've read and liked my work and you're from Great Britain or Australia, please do not be shy. Drop me a line, post an Amazon review, express your opinion on Bizarrocentral. I'd like to hear from those of you who've been buying Archelon Ranch. I'd also like to tell you to try out Murderland part 1:h8 or to get on the Jimmy Plush preorder list. Come on out, British people!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Jimmy Plush reading!

Here I am reading from the first section of Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective, previously published in the Magazine of Bizarro Fiction#1:

If you'd like to get on the preorder list for this book and have your copy waiting for you when the book is ready and lots of other goodies before that, go to and preorder it!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Get on the Plush list!

Ywo more limited edition Jimmy Plush preorders left! If you want the Jimmy Plush bear and the origin chapbook, you're going to have to get one of these two. Not only that, but the Plush list is going to be a fun place to be until the launch of the book. Free stories, extraneous forewords that you get to vote on, all sorts of cool shit. If you don't want the bear and the origin story but want to get on the list and want this book a week before official launch, get a regular preorder for ten bucks. You'll be on the list and therefore will reap most of its benefits. But: handmade teddy bear. One of a kind. Ships by Christmas and you can be the one to win it if you get one of the last two Limited Editions. Get 'em here: