Friday, November 27, 2009

English Teachers Are Concerned About Murderland Part 1:h8, cultural barometer, salon wherein great minds gather: a group of educators are deeply concerned. They have seen a new threat to children's intellectual development and way of life. Reefer? Syphilis? The poetry is homosexual commie propagandists in the Greenwich village scene? Even worse than that! Underground Experimental Bizarro Horror. The Murderland series in particular. This book could be the death knell to the already fragile minds of the children of New Hampshire!
In Keene, NH, intellectual Utopia and experimental fiction capital of America, Kim was looking for an age appropriate book to teach her impressionable students when she happened upon dangerous smut tome Murderland part 1:h8 by extreme sports loving heroin addict pornographer Garrett Cook. She was horrified by what she saw. This was her reaction:
"I love dystopian satire, and I thought that's what this was, but it appears to be written by some gamer in his basement. I can't give an honest review, because I just couldn't finish this crass, over-the-top commentary, despite the fact that it's tiny. I felt dirty reading it. Perhaps it is like the type of book those who enjoy horror punk or SAW movies or Grand Theft Auto. That's certainly not me!"
When reached for commentary, Cook said "Dude, I freakin' love GTA! When will they make another Saw? When they chained that Robin Hood: Men in Tights dude to a radiator CLA-ASSSIC!" Then he air-guitarred enter Sandman for three hours straight, ate five pounds of cookie dough and sacrificed a dog to Satan. An adorable dog. Kim had a deep understanding of horror and experimental fiction, as a fan of such edgy intellectual contemporary novels as Diary of a Wimpy Kid and "lots of Oprah reads". It's clear that Murderland was not for Oprah, nor was it for high school English teachers! Some of you skeptics might think Kim was just "narrowminded", "square" or behind the times, but think again!
The story of Mrs. Kelly Budd might change your mind. Like your standard New Hampshire English teacher, Kelly Budd is a graduate of the Sorbonne and Bram Stoker Award juror, so her knowledge of horror and underground literature is pretty substantial. Having read all of the works of Stephen King and Anne Rice, Kelly Budd's threshold for terror was pretty high. So, for Murderland to prompt her to say:
"I fear that the readers of this book will teen boys who like slash and dash" is a dreadful portent of Murderland's potential effects on this culture! When reached for comment on this, Garrett Cook was standing outside one of New Hampshire's fine public schools trying to sell marijuana and copies of the recent remake of The Hitcher to students. Society is doomed!
But, if you're one of those people foolish enough to think that New Hampshire English teachers aren't better arbiters of culture than horror and Bizarro novelists and Bizarro fans, then maybe you should pick up a copy for yourself and see what's got New Hampshire English teachers worried about their students. You can get it HERE for the cookie dough eating, GTA loving, Saw addled pervert teenage slasher movie metal head gamer retard in your life! Who won't understand a damn word of this book and would never purchase it. And if you think New Hampshire English teachers are alienated by this, imagine what they would think of an ultraviolent teddy bear who fights Furries, giant gangsters and flesh eating sexually deviant cops! You can preorder my next intellectually vacant filthfest with no emotional center or redeeming social values HERE and get two dollars off because it's Black Friday, a day Satan worshipping pornographers like myself LIVE for! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

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