Thursday, December 23, 2010

Merry Posthuman Zombie Christmas, Charlie Brown!: A Blockhead's Inferno

A holiday gift of sorts. I do not own any of the characters used in this poem and mean the utmost respect to Charles M. Schultz and his creations, but this idea was too much fun to pass up. Thanks for the inspiration, Charles! And here's the poem

Merry Posthuman Zombie Christmas, Charlie Brown! A Blockhead's Inferno

In time of greatest loneliness and hurt,
When I had no solace, no comfort and no gang
I woke up and put on my zig zag shirt

Found a chair and a rope in hope that I might hang
With nuclear winter and zombie hordes outside
And every man a foaming, rabid thing

“Good grief!” I thought, “Would it matter if I died
With the awful hand this wasted world’s been dealt.”
When a shade with a blue blanket appeared at my side.

Had I gone mad for all the things I felt?
I jumped to my feet, the figure I embraced
“Could that be my old friend Linus Van Pelt

The theologian and academic disgrace,
The paragon of decency and clarity?”
“Charlie Brown,” he said, “I’ve come bearing advice

And hope to cure your terror and temerity,
I dwell in death by The Great Pumpkin’s throne,
Rewarded forever for a lifetime of sincerity

He saw that it’s Christmas time and you’re alone
In a postapocalyptic zombie wasteland
And since his ways are gentle and divine

He thought that I should come lend you a hand.”
“Good grief,” said I, “your words are hard to swallow!”
“Tis true,” he said, “I come at his command

I’m here to lead you, I just ask that you follow.”
I shrugged and I muttered “good grief” in the normal fashion
I’d keep my life although it felt quite hollow

I took his hand and we proceeded outside with caution
To avoid the fangs of radioactive ghouls
In roving gangs reacting with aggression

At those misguided and deluded fools
That went outside with requisite abandon
That they should gamble with their organs and their souls

In hopes that they would be the last one standing
But awaiting me outside instead of struggle
Was the wooden house of my old canine companion

And sitting atop, of course my dear dead beagle
He motioned for us to come join him and my heart softened
To see my dear friend in his aviator goggles

Though a doghouse is an odd thing to go aloft in
The beagle was just as much eagle as he was mammal
A suitable foe indeed for Von Richtoffen

Doghouse was in his heart a Sopwith camel
And little dog a Hercules and a Sampson
Felt warm and safe until I heard a rumble

And saw behind us a Fokker painted crimson
Brave Snoopy’s house weaved past the spitting Spandaus,
Shot back with his Vickers like many a noble Briton

Who’d lost his life fulfilling wartime vows
But who better than a dog to be in a dogfight
Taking on the Red Baron in a doghouse

Though we shook and flew rough, the ace laughed in delight
Even with the hungry Fokker seeking blood
For the Baron was having just as hard a flight

And with his Vickers Snoopy mad himself understood
That things would not turn out as the Kaiser planned
And that it would do the Germans little good

To avenge the murder of Archduke Ferdinand
It was looking ludicrous and not quite sane
The Baron’s plane seemed destined for the ground.

Smoke billowed from the wing of the Baron’s plane
And the dying Fokker started to spin and reel,
And Manfred Von Richtoffen once again went down

So Snoopy’s nemesis had his fate sealed
I’d seen it before and damn it wasn’t pretty
What hits the ground, the dead take for a meal

They tear through skin with teeth that have no pity
Swallowing hearts and livers and chomping intestines
We flew past the carnage to other parts of the city

To continue to validate my bleak existence
Snoopy idled the plane above a fenced in compound
So I could see a sight for which I was destined

There was a girl in black leather and men were gathered round
As she swayed about in her mock ecstasy
Imagining themselves bruised, beaten bound

Said Linus “is that not a sight to see?
Before you is my crabby sister Lucy
Who could make no living at nickel psychiatry

She’s found a niche being teasing and abusive
She might not give you a chance to kick that football
But other offers aren’t quite as elusive.”

And outside seeking to make the fence fall
Was Freida without her naturally curly hair
I laughed to see the arrogant bitch gone bald

It would have been too much for her to bear
Amidst the zombies, Marcy was gnawing Patty
Her sandaled superior no longer called sir

Among them Pigmen no longer seemed ratty
Each one had a cloud of flies and nasty odor
A toothless Peggie Jean, no longer pretty

Wouldn’t make me shy, but I pitied Schroder
Still pounding idly away at his toy piano
Rewarded with only noise for his musical fervor

I broke down and begged for Linus to let me go
“Why take me out here and show me the world I sick?”
Gentle Linus replied, “I’ve one thing one thing left to show

You.” I trusted him and knew that it was no trick
For Linus Van Pelt was a man of piety
Snoopy landed at an empty lot where Linus showed me a stick

Not quite a stick, for pine needles clung to it idly
First green I’d seen to whether the disaster
He said “once you would have called this thing a Christmas tree

And trimmed it with all the caring you could muster
It lives, though society has tumbled down.
Keep this tree and here’s a nickel to pay for my sister.”

They flew me home quick and left me on my own
And called behind them with utmost holiday cheer
“Merry Posthuman Zombie Christmas, Charlie Brown!”

And Merry Christmas to my fans, my friends, my family and my Bizarro cohorts!

Sunday, December 12, 2010


No doubt inspired by Tron Legacy, a popular film I am mentioning to pad my hit count, Legumeman Books are selling their ebooks for only 1.99. Get transgressive and exciting titles like Archelon Ranch, Dinnerbell for the Dreamworms, A Million Versions of Right, Spare Key and 10 A Boot 20 Stomping a Human Face 30 Go to 10 downloaded to your computer bookreading machine for dirt cheap! And the best part is, for those of you who want to defend controversial WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, who, like Legumeman is also from Australia, you don't have to buy these books on Amazon. In fact, you get them from Smashwords.

And if you do like buying books from Amazon, you can buy the print versions from Amazon. It's a pretty sweet deal for everyone. Australians of all kinds need your money.

Julian Assange, shown here being exploited for crass commercialism. He looks sort of like Dr. Who's Matt Smith.

Australian Jeff Bridges impersonator Matthew Revert, one of the founders of Legumeman books.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Bizarro Holiday Guide

So, you're looking for some gifts for the man/woman/transsexual werewolf who has everything. Not surprisingly, I have a solution for you. It's always good when people know what to buy when we don't, right? Right? Hmmm. Turns out I don't care how you reply to that sucker. Because I will not let good taste get in the way of selling you books that I believe in. FIVE books that I believe in.

1. The Deadheart Shelters by Forrest Armstrong

Mellow, sentimental, showing touches of hiphop, Romanticism and surrealism, this book bleeds heartache and genius. For fans of Jodorowsky, Lynch and poetry in all its forms, or for those seeking a thoughtful gift that is thoughtful in every sense of the word, I recommend The Deadheart Shelters by Forrest Armstrong. Hip hop poetics and a powerful imagination along with a genuine passion for the word makes this transcendently wonderful.


2. Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy

You have a friend who laughs at inappropriate moments? Who has an absurd sense of humor, a love of the nonsequitur and a disdain for the mundane? Don't just get him a box set of Adult Swim crap.You could. Or you could get him this kickass book with a kickass title by Bizarro writer Bradley Sands. Poetry about Die Hard, Leatherface, Shakespeare and more, poetry that will make them laugh until they shit themselves.

3. King Scratch

It's hard to shop for the true cult film geek. The dude who has a Pieces poster over his bed and celebrates Fritz Lang's birthday with a Scarlet Street/Woman in the Window double feature. You know in the end you're gonna lose your balls and give them an Amazon gift card, which, while it's basically good as cash, isn't too thoughtful and is a coward's way out. Jordan Krall's King Scratch is the sleaziest, weirdest, cult noir nightmare ever, a phatasmagoric literary journey like nothing they've ever read. Golden showers, Lincoln's assassin, a trunk full of babies...truly cult. Truly cool.

4.Apeshit by Carlton Mellick III

The gorehound in your life might also have a Pieces poster. But he probably thinks that movie wasn't brutal enough. He's probably grown weary of Argento and Jason and everything that people think is the slasher film, even though he owns them all and loves them like family members. Apeshit is what a gorehound's parents think the filth they were watching is. Apeshit revolves the most perverted group of teens ever and they're out in the woods and...horrible things is what. Let the sicko you buy this for find out what. Even if you are that sicko, no fun ruining the surprise!

5. Bizarro Starter Kit Purple

Ten Bizarro novellas by ten awesome talents. Yes, one of them is me. But I think I'm pretty good. Keep this for yourself.

Monday, November 1, 2010

See Into the Future

I'm always looking for fun new ways to interact with my readers and give you cool stuff to read. And because sometimes I have a large number or projects on my plate or circumstances outside my control delay them, there is a wait between books. Well, right now, I'm putting finishes touches on several pieces that might someday be either novellas sold individually or pieces of collections. From an Archelon Ranch sequel to a pitchblack Bizarro fairytale, to genrebending noir to metafictional madness, I'm doing some of the most unusual and risque projects I've ever done and I want to let you in on the process. Writers used to be reclusive, used to keep the creative process a mystery and used to do everything to make sure readers did not see their work in its most vulnerable state. But, I'm going to let you in on things. For 3.99, you can get my precognitive sampler, a PDF containing the opening sections of five different novellas and novelettes, all nearing completion. Get a secret glimpse into the future works of an up and coming Bizarro writer. And when you're done, don't be afraid to let me know what you think, what you like, what you hate, what you want to see more of, what you want to see less of. Does this future look bright or are there other routes you would like to see me go? Let me know. I care.

Update: Sale is temporarily suspended until I return from the trip to Portland I embark on tomorrow. I don't want anybody waiting ten days for me to send them this.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Special News for my 100th Post

I don't write in this blog nearly enough, but I've managed to reach 100 posts. And for this 100th post, I'm glad to be able to bring you some good news. My novelette Re-Mancipator is appearing in The Bizarro Starter Kit:Purple. Yes, I won the First Annual Ultimate Bizarro Showdown, yes I've appeared twice in The Magazine of Bizarro Fiction, yes, I've had whiskey and bacon with Carlton Mellick at 2 in the morning, but this feels like it makes me a member of the Bizarro family in a more tangible way than ever before. I am grateful to all the people in the Bizarro community that have supported me and published my work, Jeremy Needle, Jeff Burk, Rose O' Keefe, Matt Revert, Robert Frederick Hamilton, Carlton Mellick, Jonathan Moon...thanks, everybody. You guys are awesome. You helped me manifest and become real. And I'm in damn good company in this anthology. Check out who's in there:
Russell Edson – prose poems
Athena Villaverde – Clockwork Girl
David Agranoff – Punkupines of the Apocalypse
Matthew Revert – three stories
Andrew Goldfarb – comics
Jeff Burk – Cripple Wolf
Garrett Cook – Re-Mancipator
Kris Saknussemm – Sparklewheel
Cody Goodfellow – Homewreckers
Cameron Pierce – The Destroyed Room

A good lineup of cool people. Some I call friends and colleagues, some I hope to do so someday. I'm quite excited. Here's the Amazon link

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Draculas Review (previously posted on Goodreads)

DRACULAS (A Novel of Terror)DRACULAS by J.A. Konrath

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Draculas by J.A Konrath, Blake Crouch, Jeff Strand and F. Paul Wilson is something to get behind. Courage and innovation like this are in short supply. It's a bold experiment; an ebook by four noteable authors, full of special extras, telling a story from a multitude of perspectives. This is not what you expect from reputable, noteworthy authors of genre bestsellers. Draculas is an ebook that tells the story of a hospital beset by grotesque, deformed bloodsucking aberrations against nature, vampires closer to the repulsive revenants of Slavic folklore than to the byronic debonair fiends our culture has embraced. The characters are perhaps a bit cliche, but nonetheless likeable, the atmosphere cinematic, the gore the product of a Tom Savini or a Screaming Mad George. Sheer terror, splatstick and one very unsettling flesheating clown make this more than worthy of your attention. But when you add in free short fiction and interviews from the authors, you get a hell of a package, the sort of thing I hope to see more of. Support innovation and have a lot of Halloween fun doing it.

View all my reviews

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Bonechilling Bizarro

Halloween is upon us. It is getting colder, betting things are manifesting on television, people try on salacious costumes inappropriate for their age and/or body type. Death walks and he wants nothing from us but a funsize Snicker's bar. It's pretty awesome. But there's a way to make it more awesome. Are your eyes popping out of their sockets? Has your heart exploded? It's surprising, but it's true. Halloween can be better if you take a walk on the weird side.

That which should not be is innately scary to us, because it is wrong. We find ourselves regressing somewhat when faced by such things. Up is down, left is right, Sarah Palin is literate (okay, so nothing is that weird)and sometimes the road back to consensual reality is strewn with bones and bad memories. When the weird and the horrific come together, great experiences happen. Bizarro horror goes places you might not want to go but you'll be glad when you get there. Here are some titles that can gear you up for an unforgettable Halloween.

1.Apeshit by Carlton Mellick III

Something must be seriously wrong with me, because when I read this I was not shocked apalled or disgusted but surprised, enthralled and envious of Mellick's ability to make people cringe. This takes you beyond the boundaries of common decency into a naughty, naughty place. It is not the place where horror goes, but the place where fundamentalist Christians, Tipper Gore and your grandmother think it goes. For something to be not a work of horror but a work of what people too scared to look into horror think it is, is an incredible achievement.

2.Siren Promised by Jeremy Robert Johnson

Addiction, madness, violence, grit. Real person hells merge with places on the periphery of reality. It deconstructs, chills you to the bone. A thing of transcendent unapologetic hurt.

3.Carnageland by D.W Barbee

If you've been going down this list and purchasing things like an awesome Superman of calculated consumer cool and reading them, then you'll feel enlightened and when you stop twitching and writhing, you'll want a palate cleanser. Carnageland is a tweaked out ADD bastard child of Shrek and Invader Zim with plenty of gorehound fun to be had.

4.Slubglub in the Weird World of the Weeping Willows by Andrew Goldfarb

A fun existential Halloween special, richly illustrated by Bizarro polymath, huckster and Renaissance man Andrew Goldfarb. Don't pass this one up.

5. Morning is Dead by Andersen Prunty

Sort of a Lynchian take on Carnival of Souls and 50's science fiction. Hard to describe, hard to read, easy to love. Any of Prunty's books is a good bet. Smart, challenging horror excellence.

6.A Million Versions of Right by Matt Revert

Chances are, if you're human, you've felt afraid or uncomfortable with or because of your body. Body horror is usually about turning into a machine or an insect man. Seldom is it about flatulence, masturbation or any of the baser instincts going awry. A Million Versions of Right is a short story collection where these things rule the day. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll be embarassed for yourself and others. Some of these stories are as funny as things get, some as scary.

7. King Scratch by Jordan Krall

Krall is a friend and collaborator of mine with the most democratic, objective sense of taste I have ever encountered. Krall's truly admirable sense of cultural objectivity takes him into strange realms and will take you there too. King Scratch is one of the darkest of these nightworlds, a sleazenoir journey where perversity, cheapness and violence rule. King Scratch is a mischievous Walpurgisnacht of a book and if you're up for it, you'll be richly rewarded with a hell of a tale.

Of course,in addition to these, if you're looking for some scary weird fiction, you could do worse than the Murderland books and Archelon Ranch. But you're here, so I'm sure you know that.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Archelon Sequel, Archelon Praise, Crazy from the heat

It is hot and I am exhausted. The caffeine sweats out faster than I would like. This is an understatement. One akin to "I doslightly fewer situps than I should." If you too are crazy from this heat, you should check out my book Archelon Ranch, a book about a world where global warming has brought back dinosaurs and people die to go outside and get cool and there's a church dedicated to the belief that everyone is living in a book and and and...and it was nominated from the Wonderland Award for excellence in Bizarro fiction. It's one of five Bizarro books handpicked by my peers as the best of the genre. If that's not enough reason to pick it up, then consider that if you don't buy it, you'll be in the dark when the Archelon Ranch sequel I am writing this hot, stupid Summer will be tough to read. And then what will you do? Cry? Just pay the 8.95 and feed your head.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Free 78 page echapbook

This week, I've been giving out a gift to all those that purchase one of my books and I want to tell you all about it. I've informed my Facebook friends already and the people on Bizarrocentral, but maybe you don't know me through one of those places. It's easy.

Step 1 Buy one of my books
Step 2 Send me the sales rank at time of purchase. my email is
Step 3 I send you the link through which you can download this echapook.

It's easy. It's fun. Get buyin'!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

My Review of Jordan Krall's King Scratch on Goodreads

King ScratchKing Scratch by Jordan Krall

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Jordan Krall's work redefines "cult", it redefines good taste and it takes you into awful places that you're nonetheless grateful that you went to. The word vertiginous comes to mind when I think of King Scratch, as in dizzying, as in challenging your sense of balance, as in spiraling downward, deeper into something dark and inexplicable. King Scratch is a vertiginous, dantesque night journey into a very special, very demented American Noir Hell of obscure starlets, golden showers and the assassination of Abraham Lincoln.

View all my reviews >>

Friday, July 9, 2010

WHAT? Now Eric Mays is interviewing me?

So, first I interviewed Eric Mays, and then (get this) Eric Mays interviewed me. I recently joined the ranks of such prestigious authors as Joe Lansdale, Christopher Moore and Mario Acevedo by being interviewed for The Authors Speak, Eric Mays' great author interview blog. Wanna find out what I said? No? Well, you've got a lot of nerve! If you didn't say no as I assumed you would, click HERE.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

An Author Speaks: Eric Mays on Naked Metamorphosis, Marley and Islamofascism

I'm proud to be a part of Eric Mays' The Authors Speak Series. This series has more big names in it than a phonebook for old people. Eric Mays has done a lot for Bizarro fiction and literacy at large and has made a bold contribution to the Bizarro canon with his book, Naked Metamorphosis. Naked Metamorphosis is an absurdist vision of Hamlet, one subverted and perverted by a foreign hand that does not belong to the Bard of Avon. A couple weeks ago, via Facebook chat, I interviewed Eric Mays so that people can see more of what he's all about.

Nice to have you here, Eric. Thanks for agreeing to this.

Thank you for taking the time. You've got bigger contracts than I. I'm flattered to be here.

Well, thanks. I'd like to take a minuite and talk to you a bit about Naked Metamorphosis. Well, more than a minute of course.


To those of who that don't know, Naked Metamorphosis is Eric's first book. It was released back in September from Eraserhead Press and it's kind of a Stoppardian and Kafkaesque riff on Hamlet.
The first question that comes to my mind is why Shakespeare?
Why not a more popular author like Bradley Sands or Josh Grogan?

Why not? First and foremost, Shakespeare is public domain so I don't have to worry about him showing up at the front door with a burrito to bludgeon me with (something I think Bradley Sands is known for).
But the stories the Bard wrote are some of the best literary molds out there - you deal with themes galore (I really do the think Shakes covered 'em all). It's the perfect thing to mold to your own will. He created a lot of storytelling lines and structure. I'm just coloring outside that.

Do you think the sparseness of Shakespeare, with its lack of stage directions and deepseated ambiguities lends itself to absurdism then?

I do. I'd like to think that Shakespeare was a wee bit absurdist (think of more of the fairies, and the witches, and there's always a bloody ghost). But, Shakespeare can be interpreted so many different ways - if you don't believe me, check out "Star Trek 6". I think I always knew Shakespeare was meant to be toyed with. The stories are, at the heart, fairly bland. It was when I heard Chris Plummer recite Shakespeare in Klingon that I knew, yeah...Shakes would have dug the hell out of this.

Also, look at Forbidden Planet.

Oooh, absolutely! I've consistently talked that one. Trouble is, Shakespearean scholars and "fans" hate reinterpretations. They hate thinking outside that box. I argued the Forbidden Planet with someone and got so infuriated at the unintelligence to see it that I nearly punched someone. It was a girl, though, and I don't hit girls.

That blows me away that that occurs so much because it's not like remaking a beloved 80s slasher flick. Shakespeare's work is over four hundred years old. It's elemental.
It's sort of one of the primal elements of today's literature.

Like I said, it's so mundane (in some respects) but establishes the foundations that people have employed for years. I really do think the Bard was leaving us a literary Etch-A-Sketch

He didn't even write stage directions for the most part.

Everything was open to interpretation.
I like to think he wanted us to cultivate our thoughts. Unfortunately in many circles, the opposite occurs.

With Shakespeare's own tendency to appropriate and reinterpret stories do you think he'd feel like a hypocrite to be the center of that kind of dogma?

I'd like to think the answer to that is "no", since it was not intentional. However, I'm sure the people arguing Shakespeare's work these days, don't have a clue. In my mind, Shakes just bitch slaps them and moves on.

Good answer. Instead of Hamlet, you've chosen Horatio as your central figure. Why Horatio?

Because Horatio was the most neutral. You've got the royals who are all drama queens, the actors who are drama queens (but for different reasons), the guards and palace officials who are all playing one side or the other, and nobody really right in the middle. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are almost there (after all Horatio, Hamlet and R&G were all buddies at school). But then they show their allegiances in the end.
Since the same thing happened in Norway (with Fortinbras doing the Hamlet routine), I'd like to think there's a Norwegian equivalent of Horatio.

Was it hard recreating Horatio as the hero of the story?

Not at all. I'm the hapless one trapped around everyone's crazy...which, by default becomes my crazy. I've always been relatively neutral in a chaotic world. I like to form my own opinion on things, which is why Horatio appeals to me. Shakespeare has one neutral voice in every work; it's fascinating. I understand it. Can you imagine what it would be like to hear Othello or Macbeth or Hamlet go on and on and on and on and on. I just subbed in that and went with it. The result was, by default, making Horatio a Shakepearean character (and a Kafka one too).

What would you say, beyond being a voice of reason, are the qualities an absurd hero should have?

Is the hero really the voice of reason? I mean, the sane one in a crazy world is the crazy, right? See, that's the beauty of it. Shakespeare's characters all rely on choice to influence the end. Kafka says you're damned fuck it. Anyone can be a "hero" in an absurdist world. Look at the people who still tout George W. as one.

So, this question is going to sound a bit crass, but here we go: why should somebody buy Naked Metamorphosis?

Most people shouldn't.
If you've got the ability to think and want your mind blown into the realm of possibility...then yeah, purchase that thing.
Otherwise steer clear.
We're all characters in someone else's world. I think people need a little warning (and I try to play that little scenario out).
Plus, I've got a few kids to feed. Lots of college debt (thanks, Uncle Sam), and would like to keep writing.
But ultimately, it's a damn good read.

I agree. I'd say if you've got a brain in your head and you like to laugh at anything smarter than Two and a Half Men, buy it.
What made you want to submit to the Eraserhead New Bizarro Author Series?

Why the fuck is that show the #1 comedy on tv?

I have no idea. I worry for everyone.

Actually, I submitted a query to EHP for something completely different. About three months later, I received an email from Rose O'Keefe asking me to pitch something to Kevin Donihe. At that point I wasn't uber-familiar with the "bizarro" movement. I knew Chris Genoa and knew of CM3's books, etc. But it was still a shot in the dark. I submitted an idea to Kevin (this one) and he was leery. He wasn't keen on it at all. Told me so, in fact. I submitted the novella in three weeks and the rest, as they say, is that.

How was it working with Kevin?

One of the best experiences of my life. He's an amazing editor, but has a good eye for talent and stories. Mine wasn't that bizarro and still, he saw something there. Plus his credo of "one mistake is too many", is pretty amazing in today's publishing world.

When I read Naked Metamorphosis, I was pretty surprised by his choice.
I thought it was a good direction to go in and an interesting but calculated risk.

Likewise. I tried to add more bizarro elements to the story, but just couldn't. I liked it the way it was. So, yeah, it was good. But, there is some pretty gonzo stuff cookin' there.

There really is.
Batman vs. Captain America. Who wins?

Ugh! Batman. Batman's a bit of an asshole, deep down. Plus, America's already been killed. So, Batman knows his weaknesses.
Also, in "IronMan2", Stark uses a Capt. America shield to hold up a laser. C'mon? You're going to give up your gadgetry that easy?

You don't see Superman scratching his balls with a batarang.

it's very true. Batman keeps it in check.

You recently made some comments about Marley and Me. Negative comments. Are you a doghating Islamofascist?

Um, no to the doghating. But, yes, to the Islamofascist. I just always wanted to end up on "The Watch List". Surely this'll do it.

You could just become a sex offender. That's a lot easier.

Actually, I do think it's a genre that needs to die, like Marley (oh, I'm sorry, I didn't say "Spoiler Alert").
It is easier to be a sex offender, but makes picnics awkward

This is not a spoiler free zone. Bruce Willis is dead in the Sixth Sense.
In the Happening, it's the trees.

I really should finish an M. Night Shymalan film

Yeah. Better you than him.

or not.

Though The Happening, which is the one everyone hates, isn't bad in spite of Marky Mark's presence.
One last question: you do an interview series called The Authors Speak. What's the most surprising thing you've ever heard from an author you've interviewed?

It's really not a bad film. I actually like the concept. Brian Keene toyed with it.
Wow. Well, I think it's been the Anne Rice thing, thus. She completely does not acknowledge the past vampire novels. At all. She's uber-Christian and knows that there's a lucrative pathway there.
Also, that Jordan Krall had visions of underwear. That David Barbee was capable of understanding Stephen Hawking. And, that Kevin Shamel wants Bob Goldwaite to narrate his documentary.

All incredibly surprising. But not as surprising as your hatred of Marley. Thank you, Eric Mays.

thank you! Sincerely!

For those of you that missed it, Naked Metamorphosis is available on Amazon HERE

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Mayonnaise Jenkins and the Former Kings of the Delta Blues

Back when I was in college, my friend and musical collaborator Wick Hill and I were in band, like everybody else on Earth. But unlike everybody else's bands, Wick was really fucking good and my lyrics weren't too shabby. We made a good band. The other day my friend Jude Coulter-Pultz, the phenomenal artist who did the cover art for Archelon Ranch, reminded me that he was also a phenomenal singer and musician by showing me a cover he did of the old Mayonnaise Jenkins song At Home in Graveyards, music by Wick Hill, lyrics by me. I then asked him if he could put up the original and another track from the album and not only did he put up the entire album, but he added some kickass cover art in the Jude Coulter-Pultz tradition of kickass coverart, which is becoming quite the tradition. You can listen to the whole album for free here if you're interested in some music I did while I was in college. Stay away from the Acoustic version of Freak and Learn to Walk and remember that the interview with Mayonnaise Jenkins is the product of two people losing their fucking mind after a longass day in the studio. All music by Wick Hill. All lyrics by Garrett Cook. Vocals for the spokenword pieces and Hey Little Girl by Wick Hill All other vocals by Garrett Cook except for Ralph and Earl, which is Garrett Cook with Wick Hill. Enjoy Wick's awesome music and my eclectic singing style.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Because We Are Not Alone in the World

So, around this time last year, Legumeman Books of Australia picked up my book Archelon Ranch. And I cannot begin to thank them for this because this book let me by myself in ways I did not think I could, telling a story in a way I did not think I could, featuring characters and situations that I was not sure I could get away with. I've received good reviews and some strong encouragement from my peers and my kickass Australian publishers alike. This was the seed that first got me thinking that there were other countries out there that might actually be interested in my work. And then, when I started preorders for Jimmy Plush, a gentleman from the UK reminded me that I did not have a button up for international shipping. I'm glad he did. It reminded me again that I don't just want to share my work with America, I want to share it with everybody. Recently, I was reminded of this again, when Hiroshi Hayakawa, Ellery Queen Award Winning editor of Hayakawa's Mystery Magazine in Japan, a magazine that reprints stories not just from fine contemporary mystery writers but from classic pulp authors such as Robert E. Howard. He wanted to reprint my story "Mr. Plush, Detective" in the August issue of his magazine. I of course said yes in a heartbeat. This made me look around at the various Amazon outlets and even though sales have not been through the roof internationally, I'm blessed to have sold copies of Archelon Ranch in Japan, Germany, Australia, Canada and the UK. (If you've bought this book and I've neglected to mention your country, do not hesitate to comment). But, my book Murderland Part 1:h8 is apparently a great big hassle to get ahold of overseas. So, I decided maybe I'd do something about that, to foster a deeper connection with my foreign readers, to hear their thoughts and to increase this book's momentum. Here's the deal foreigners: if you bought my book Archelon Ranch on,,, or whatever and you send me a link to an Amazon review you posted, I'll send you a free PDF of Murderland part 1:h8 to thank you for helping me spread the word about Archelon Ranch to your countrymen. Email me this link at and I'll send you back a PDF of Murderland part 1:h8. Thanks in advance, world!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Book Review: A Million Versions of Right

A year ago, I first made the acquaintance of Matt Revert of Legumeman Books. He was smart, he was polite and he seemed to me like a standup and kickass guy. I have seen no evidence to the contrary. Legumeman is becoming a contender in small press weird fiction, a juggernaut of calculated risk and adventurous obscenity. You can see a lot of the Legumeman philosophy in Matt Revert's A Million Versions of Right. These are some of the boldest, weirdest and at times scariest short stories I've ever read. His story The Great Headphone Wank frightened me like few other things have, an odd combination of Carver and Harlan Ellison that quickens the pulse and cuts the heart like a knife. All in a story about a guy who continuously hears people masturbating whenever he puts on his new headphones. As the Traveling Wilburys say "It's a Dirty World". A Million Versions of Right shows just how dirty it is, elevating the fart joke to a level of discourse in ways almost completely unseen since James Joyce did so in Ulysses. If you want to cry, laugh and be sick to your stomach, Matt Revert is your man and I look forward to reading more from him. A Million Versions of Right will surprise you with its genius and frighten you with its perversity.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

New Reviews

Two aspects of being a small press author of Bizarro fiction that I like the most are first of all, getting to see the cool stuff my peers are doing and draw the public's attention to that and second, sharing the cool stuff I'm doing with my peers, who I know are the sort of people that would appreciate it, people who I wish there were millions of. When anybody reads your book and you see a light click on, it's fantastic but when it's somebody who you know to do good work and read prodigiously, it's even better.

David W. Barbee, author of Carnageland is a great reader, a fun writer and a smart guy who writes Bizarro because he loves and appreciates the genre so much. Recently, he read my book Archelon Ranch, the book at this point that I am proudest of and had THIS to say:
Hopefully, some of you will take David W. Barbee's word for it and pick up a copy.

Mykle Hansen is one of the greatest satirists writing today. He's funny, he's incredibly bright and he has the solid titanium balls to call a book The Rampaging Fuckers of Everything On the Crazy Shitting Planet of the Vomit Atmosphere. You might know him as the diabolical genius behind Help! A Bear is Eating Me! He's just awesome, so to see him saying THISabout Murderland part 1: h8 is really something.

Thank you, David and Mykle, it's an honor to call you colleagues and friends and it makes me happy to know that I've lived up to your standards.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Strange and Heartbreaking

I will say right now that this entry should and will be an Amazon Listmania but, I want info about these books to be available to those who casually visit my blogs as well as those who seek out my reviews on Amazon. My girlfriend's grandmother was wondering about what I wrote and while she was very polite and not at all derisive, took a look at Bizarro fiction and could not quite get it. And I do not blame her. I don't blame anyone for not being able to understand it immediately. Any genre with book titles like Assgoblins of Auschwitz and Baby Jesus Buttplug will raise eyebrows in positive and negative ways and it could look like we're more about nonsense than self expression and exploring life's strangeness or it could look like we're about gore and farting, which in part we are, even though it's in the service of expressing certain ideas and creating a unique atmosphere. Here is a list of Bizarro books that are more about deep, emotional resonance than about grossing people out, making them laugh or terrifying them, although these books might also do that.

House of Houses by Kevin L. Donihe
The Amazon page featuring my review:

House of Houses is funny but also heartbreaking and devastating. It is a story about man in love with a house, a love that nature and Heaven itself don't want to happen. Can this love make it? What if it doesn't? Does it matter? House of Houses poses all of these questions, leaving you to answer them and to feel the repercussions.

The Haunted Vagina by Carlton Mellick III
How in God's name can a book called The Haunted Vagina make you feel anything but the urge to let out a juvenile titter? It tells the story of a man whose girlfriend's vagina makes horrible noises. It hurts their sex life, it scares him to death and it leaves him wondering if the relationship can survive. But, he does something brave and absurd, he explores the mysterious landscape inside her, discovering a ghostly world and a mysterious girl who wants him to stay. The Haunted Vagina is the story of a man trapped in the dark mysteries of his relationship in the unexplored, perverse spaces that make things fall apart. More sad and beautiful than it is funny or gross, which is an accomplishment.

Zerostrata by Andersen Prunty
Zerostrata is a book simultaneously wacky and Capraesque, a book that in my opinion hearkens back to the early films of Terry Gilliam as well as movies like Harvey. It is the story of a young man who moves back to his depressionchoked hometown and begins fixing up his old treehouse. As he fixes the treehouse, he sees a young woman outside dancing naked and follows her, falling in love with her. It is not without complications, it is not without pratfalls, it is not without pathos, it is not without humor and it is certainly not without beauty. This book is a triumph.

Piecemeal June by Jordan Krall
Piecemeal June is not for everyone. It is an often disgusting piece of grindhouse noir, full of sexually explicit material, scatology and abject strangeness. It concerns a living sextoy escaping from the grasp of an extradimensional pornographer and the loser who falls in love with her and must risk his life to protect her. At the core of this is one of the most tender love stories of any genre that I have ever read and proof that beauty can shine in a world of filth, which is a central theme of the book itself.

Archelon Ranch
It might be obnoxious for me to have my own book on this list, but I feel it's worth using as an example. Archelon Ranch features dinosaurs, zombies, humanoid insects, the worst shopping mall on Earth and a young man who at the beginning of the book has become one with the soul of a fedora. But at the core of this book is the story of two men looking for Heaven and seeking fairness in a world created by an author whose own neuroses might make it hard for him to write about joy. This is my best book yet and I think you should give it a chance.

So, here's five books that show that Bizarro fiction is about emotional truths found in a world that does not make sense not just about filth and weirdness. If books with strange plots that depict reality and emotional reality more accurately than so called realist novels, Bizarro fiction might be of interest to you.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Stealing is Wrong. Reviewing Things You Steal on Amazon is not.

So, it appears some contemptible varlet has been pirating Murderland part 1:h8 and will not show his face so I can have at him! I should be able to do so by JUNE 1st. So if you are going to download this book do so by JUNE 1st. Chances are you're thinking nobody would pirate Murderland part 1:h8 but me. You could be right. You could be wrong. But one thing's for certain regardless of who pirated the book, writing Amazon reviews is crucial to the success of anything. So, if you take something, review it. It will give what you've taken more attention so that others will buy or steal it, generating even more attention.
Here is the Amazon link to buy or review Murderland part 1:h8
And HERE is the link to download it.
If you enjoy Murderland part 1:h8, you can read the sequel Murderland 2: Life During Wartime. This one, you'll have to pay for. Buy it HERE

Monday, May 10, 2010

May 21st: Happy Birthday, Jeffrey Dahmer!

A reprehensible cannibal and one of the most reprehensible killers of our time would be 50 May 21st if he were alive today. Half a century of Dahmer! Exciting isn't it? Disgusting, isn't it? When thinking about what I could do to get people interested in my Murderland books, a series about how we relate to crime and criminals in our society and the secret longings of America's repressed id and Dahmer's upcoming birthday seemed like a perfect opportunity to share free fiction set in the Murderland world, to hold discussions about serial killers in America and how our celebrities are frequently criminals and deviants of one kind or another. So, May 21st join me on the Murderland Series Facebook page for a free Murderland story, more info on the world, hints about future Murderland books and more surprises!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Legumeman Books Kangaroo Jackstravaganza

In case you don't know, Legumeman Books is the leading (maybe only) publisher of Australian Bizarro and being Australian, they love giving things away. For they believe that like their primitive boomerangs, good karma will return to them if thrown out there. To celebrate Aussie Bizarro and to conquer America with it Yahoo Serious style, Legumeman has asked me to formulate a contest. So, I had to think what is Australian Bizarro? One thing stood out in my mind, the film Kangaroo Jack. The person who sends me the best positive review of Kangaroo Jack or piece of Kangaroo Jack fan fiction by May 10th will get the entire Legumeman back catalog including Wonderland book award finalist A Million Versions of Right, very good book Archelon Ranch and book I should read Spare Key. The winner's work will be posted on my new film blog Dollar Bin Massacre where me, Leza Cantoral and Jordan Krall shall publicly mock it. Send all entries to me via Facebook message or to
DISCLAIMER: Paul Hogan, Russell Crowe and those with jumbucks in their tucker bag not eligible. Garrett Cook and Legumeman or not liable for hearing loss, aneurysm or brain damage caused by watching Kangaroo Jack. Christopher Walken will not apologize for Kangaroo Jack.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Ingenuity For Sale

To celebrate the things I am celebrating , I am making an offer I made ages ago when fewer people knew how the hell I was and I want to see now if some people would go for this. Thanks to Cameron Pierce for the first suggestions. Here's the deal, for five dollars, you can get a custom made Garrett Cook story in your inbox within five days or your money back. You provide me with a character, a place and a theme. No matter how weird it is. If Jimmy Stewart is at an earwax convention and the theme is gay marriage should be legalized, I'll make it happen for at least 1000 words. Also, I'm offering Bizarro book prompts. Three days, three dollars, three ideas that you can cannibalize and call your own or just marvel at the fun strangeness that came out. I'm not guaranteeing surrealist success, but I am guaranteeing a few neat ideas to explore and play with. Even one element you can use is worth three dollars. Or you could buy the ideas, pick a weird one you like and make me do it for 1000 words. Your choice. Either way, I think it could be a fun experiment.

Custom Story sent to you within five days, one thousand words. Pick a character, a location and a theme when you buy this. $5

Three Bizarro book ideas

Monday, April 19, 2010

Some News

So, first of all, I'd like to thank the admins of the Facebook group I Bet I Can Find 10,000 people that think that Bizarro Fiction is Awesome for naming Megaspotlight Author of the Month. Thanks, Kevin and Christy! I love you guys.

And speaking of people I love, I'm happy to be working with my girlfriend, Leza Cantoral and my friend and Bizarro colleague Jordan Krall, the biggest cult film nut I know on a new film blog, Dollar Bin Massacre, reviewing the chaff of the chaff and the cream of the crap crop alike. The first film Leza and I watched is Savage Weekend starring the incomparable William Sanderson. Jordan hasn't watched it yet, but I can't wait to hear what he has to say when he does! Check out the blog here:

If you want to join me in celebrating, there's a couple things you can do. If you've already read my books and haven't put up reviews, you could review them on Amazon or Goodreads or your own blog. Especially if (unlike this blog) people read it all the time. You could also if you haven't bought my existing books, buy them. The bibliography tab is clickable and has links to the Amazon pages for each book and reviews of them too! Awesome, huh? If you've read my existing books, you can provide me with grocery money AND get free chapters of weird pulp serials in your email box (usually on Sunday unless I'm running behind) by preordering Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective. You're going to like this book and you're going to like the stuff you get in your box, which I'm working on amping up more. Get it here:
Lastly, you can celebrate with me by buying books from some of my good friends like Kevin Shamel, Jordan Krall, Eric Mays, Cameron Pierce, Jeff Burk, Gina Ranalli, Andersen Prunty and even that wacky Bradley Sands. Bizarro writers are always there for each other, so when you do good for one of us, you do good for all of us. Also, celebrate Shakespeare's birthday with both me and Eric Mays. Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective will be working on one of history's greatest mysteries to mark the occasion. So, thanks existing fans, thanks new fans and thank you to all my Bizarro colleagues for being able to share good news like this.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Spaghetti, Feet, Fetish Westerns, Viking Cowboys and a Teddy Bear Detective

here will be no Spaghetti at Jordan Krall's April 16th Bizarro Spagetti dinner, but there will lots of Bizarro excitement and plenty of fun. This is an event to raise awareness of Bizarro and Jordan Krall's work in particular. Jordan Krall is a writer of Neopulp Bizarro, which I feel creates a strong bond between not just my work and Jordan's but Jordan and I. His book Fistful of Feet is a violent, dirty, Spaghetti Western full of fetishism and gore and created by a man with knowledge of and passion for cult films and the Western genre. So, whether you'd like to buy the book and get some cool entertainment while supporting an excellent cult writer and a good guy or just hang around and check out the Bizarro buzz and offer up encouragement for somebody making new and different literature check out the event on Facebook next Friday:!/event.php?eid=116145408399806

To celebrate this, I've started up a new Neopulp serial for those who have preordered Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective. Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective is my wildest book yet, an exploration of body image and identity, a series of weird mysteries and an actionpacked pulp homage. Getting on the preorder list will not only save you money on shipping in the longrun but will also give you a small discount off the cover price and chapters of special serials mailed to you in your inbox. The first of these is The Startling Sexquatch Caper, a Bizarro adventure of the real and evil Jimmy Plush, the last chapter of which goes out tomorrow to those on the list. The second of these is Halberds Johannsen, Viking Cowboy. The adventure of a cowboy that not only has a strange choice of weaponry, but lives in a world that's a bit different from the Wild West as you know it:
"Halberds Johannsen was relaxing shirtless against a fence in the hot Texas Sun. Bein’ a hot day and all, he poured some cold Dwarven ale over his rippling pecs to cool them off. The ale on his pecs certainly didn’t help the elf maids that watched cause they found themselves feelin’ mighty hot and maybe inclined to remove some garments of their own. But, Halberds Johannsen already had two ladies in his life, Honor and Justice. Honor and Justice were the names of his twin halberds, blessed by the ravens of Odin so he could atone for his life of rapin’ and pillagin’ the prairie. The elfmaids wouldn’t have minded so much bein’ raped and pillaged, but Halberds just wanted to bake in the Sun with his faithful steed, Olaf. Of course, this was not to be, since neither Vikings nor cowboys led lives of leisure and Halberds was both.
The boy came running into town, waving his arms and screaming. A mutt of a kid, half Mexican, half orc, he’d been run out of town by the sheriff so had taken to living with the Indians in the desert. Halberds walked away from the fence to see what had caused the boy’s commotion. He knew that if Pepito had come into town running and screaming, there was real trouble.
“Vat seems to be the trooble?” Halberds asked the boy.
“Meester Halberds, boss Sampson and his ogres are goin’ to demolish the town to make room for the railroads!”
Halberds gave out a mighty bellow of rage.
“Not if these two halberds have anything to say about it…”

Get the first chapter of Halberds Johannsen, Viking Cowboy in your inbox tomorrow, as well as The Startling Sexquatch Caper by preordering Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective here:

Hop on the wagontrain of werid and support Bizarro by checking out The Spaghetti Dinner and/or preordering Jimmy Plush!

Monday, April 5, 2010

Some Very Rotten Little Animals!

It's Rotten Little Animals Day, so...BUY IT SCUMBAGS! Kevin Shamel' s superfun antisocial animal adventure is fun for all ages...except for children and old people. Mostly just fun for those between 18 and 59, but that's fun for a 41 year range. Ten dollars isn't bad for 41 years of fun. That's about a quarter a year for fun. Anyway, it's a funass experience so if you're not some kind of sissy little funbitch who can't take too much fun because you suck or because you're 17 or younger or 60 or older like a sucker you're missing out on a lot, you fartassed rapebait semenpants bastards. If you don't like being smacked with a brick by me, buy this book here:

Also, if you like rotten little stuffed animals, Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective preorders are still available here:

Preorders come with free PDFs of some of my other books and chapters of a special Jimmy Plush serial starring the real and reprehensible Jimmy Plush, one of the main antagonists of Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective.

While I'm being pushy and a dick, join this Facebook group:

Stand up for Bizarro by buying it and sending out your good vibes.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Get the Magazine of Bizarro Fiction#3 autographed from me!

As I mentioned in my previous post, the issue 3 of the Magazine of Bizarro Fiction is not one to miss! With stories by Cody Goodfellow, Bruce Taylor and lots of other great stuff, it would already be worth your hard earned 6.95 without my novella Re-Mancipator. Re-Mancipator is one of the weirdest, most satirical and most unusual things I've ever done and I'm proud to put my John Hancock on The Magazine that contains it. So, if you want a copy of this, it will be sent out as soon as I receive my contributor copies and it will be autographed by me. Only 6.95 plus three shipping to read the great fiction, read the great comics and see a story like I've never written before, the magazine's featured novella, 10,000 words of zombie Lincoln lizard conspiracy fun like you ain't ever seen before. Get it here:

Saturday, March 13, 2010


Blog! I've done some minor redesign and updating of this blog. Woo! Minor blog updates! YEAH! Are you as excited as I am? It would be easy for you to be, because I'm not all that excited. It was actually fairly banal. But what's not fairly banal is that I've updated things so you can read THREE MORE STORIES! THREE! Woo! One of these I forgot about so did not post on. The other two I had shopped around for years, but finally found homes for. One in the Kek-w Quarterly, a cool experimental fiction blog and the other in 8clouds, Jude Coulter-Pultz' s blog for fun new speculative fiction from writers you might not have heard of. Writers like me. Jude is the cover artist from Archelon Ranch and a person of peculiar and distinctive taste. You'll like the stories there. Scroll down the "about me and my work" tab to the right and you'll find them. Also added is a link to buy the 3rd issue of The Magazine of Bizarro Fiction#3 off Amazon, featuring stories by Monica O' Rourke, Bruce Taylor, Cody Goodfellow and myself. I'm proud to have the feature novella Remancipator in this issue. If you always suspected that if Abe Lincoln were brought back to life, he would no doubt start an orgy of zombie carnage, this is the story for you. Time travel, conspiracies, space lizards, a flamberge fight with Marilyn Monroe...this story has lots of cool stuff for you to enjoy. And speaking of cool stuff, Magazine of Bizarro Fiction editor Jeff Burk has just released his second book Super Giant Monster time! As Junior Whoopass Ensign of the Spectacular Seven and author of Shatnerquake, Burk's work always promises a good time for readers. Especially since it's a Choose Your Own Adventure book! Woo! That's worth getting excited about! Get it here:

Monday, March 1, 2010

Get Involved!

My friend and fellow Bizarro author Cameron Pierce (my Funclub's Waycool Demolitions Expert) is extending a cool offer to readers, a chance to get involved in the process in a unique and fun way. Check it out here:

Bizarro has a unique relationship with its readership, a relationship that is, I believe, unprecedented in literary communities. What other literary movements let you help us buy groceries in exchange for a chance to win awesome and unique prizes or help us get books finished or attend events in exchange for unique literary swag? None. So vote for awesomeness with your dollar.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Catching Up and By the Way the Works of David Lynch are Obvious

These past couple months I have fallen wildly behind, so this week I'm nailing myself to the giant green leather armchair I dragged home and finishing up the stuff for my Funclub, people on the Plushlist and all the others I've left in the lurch while personal difficulties left me defeated. I apologize to everybody who's waiting for stuff, but I assure what you get will be worth it. Convalescence, writing and exercise are the name of the game from here on in. Wish me luck, blogskateers. On another note, since Inland Empire, I've noticed it's becoming trendy to call David Lynch needlessly obtuse. This is not so. Mulholland Drive and Inland Empire suffer from transparency. If anything, their thematic elements are so blatant that it ruins the enjoyment of the so-called puzzle. Stop pretending David Lynch is too complicated and stop acting like you're some kind of supersleuth as you attempt to find meaning that's right in front of your face. If you'd like to attach meaning to something which wears its purpose and philosophy on its sleeve, I suggest you begin delving into the hidden themes in the portraiture of John Copley or in Kraft cheese singles. So, there we go, David Lynch is obvious, I'm getting back on track so you'll get some more swag soon enough and I'm still never going to eat another grapefruit in my life.

Monday, January 4, 2010

New Year's Resolution Diet Log: An Open Letter to the Grapefruit

Dear Grapefruit,
What the fuck? Are you kidding me? I finish eating a juicy, sticky, marginally satisfying orange. This does not sate me. So, I look through the fruit bowl and I spy what looks to be a juicier, stickier, more substantial orange. This orange fucking rocks. I'd heard tell that there might be grapefruits in that bowl, but I've been doing jumping jacks and squat thrusts and I'm hungry so I ignore this warning. Big fucking mistake. I reach into the bowl and find you, posing as an orange you transfructite you, and I start to peel you. This is when your true nature becomes obvious. But I've started peeling. What am I gonna do?
"Well," I tell myself, "you look to be about the same color as a tangerine, which is delicious, so you too must be at least somewhat delicious."
"Of course I am," you tell me, "why would people eat me if I tasted bad?"
I've heard this argument from broccoli and caviar before and I should have ignored it then just as I should ignore it now.
I take a bite. What the fuck are you? A big pink ball of wasabe? Ouch. If lemons had anuses, they would taste like you, grapefruit. I douse you in grenadine, which should be able to make you delicious, but you laugh as you negate its pomegranate goodness with your sour lemon anus taste. You should be ashamed of yourself, grapefruit. That shouldn't be. You shouldn't be. I am never eating you again and the four people who will read this post en route to buying nothing are advised to do the same. You suck, grapefruit. I'm glad I threw you away. At least you've succeeded in killing my appetite. I'm pretty sure nothing short of pussy or tiramisu can get your infernal taste out of my mouth, a mouth which I have no desire to put anything else in. Except for pussy and tiramisu.
Yours in eternal hatred,
Garrett Cook
Fucking die.