Merry Posthuman Zombie Christmas, Charlie Brown!: A Blockhead's Inferno

A holiday gift of sorts. I do not own any of the characters used in this poem and mean the utmost respect to Charles M. Schultz and his creations, but this idea was too much fun to pass up. Thanks for the inspiration, Charles! And here's the poem

Merry Posthuman Zombie Christmas, Charlie Brown! A Blockhead's Inferno

In time of greatest loneliness and hurt,
When I had no solace, no comfort and no gang
I woke up and put on my zig zag shirt

Found a chair and a rope in hope that I might hang
With nuclear winter and zombie hordes outside
And every man a foaming, rabid thing

“Good grief!” I thought, “Would it matter if I died
With the awful hand this wasted world’s been dealt.”
When a shade with a blue blanket appeared at my side.

Had I gone mad for all the things I felt?
I jumped to my feet, the figure I embraced
“Could that be my old friend Linus Van Pelt

The theologian and academic disgrace,
The paragon of decency and clarity?”
“Charlie Brown,” he said, “I’ve come bearing advice

And hope to cure your terror and temerity,
I dwell in death by The Great Pumpkin’s throne,
Rewarded forever for a lifetime of sincerity

He saw that it’s Christmas time and you’re alone
In a postapocalyptic zombie wasteland
And since his ways are gentle and divine

He thought that I should come lend you a hand.”
“Good grief,” said I, “your words are hard to swallow!”
“Tis true,” he said, “I come at his command

I’m here to lead you, I just ask that you follow.”
I shrugged and I muttered “good grief” in the normal fashion
I’d keep my life although it felt quite hollow

I took his hand and we proceeded outside with caution
To avoid the fangs of radioactive ghouls
In roving gangs reacting with aggression

At those misguided and deluded fools
That went outside with requisite abandon
That they should gamble with their organs and their souls

In hopes that they would be the last one standing
But awaiting me outside instead of struggle
Was the wooden house of my old canine companion

And sitting atop, of course my dear dead beagle
He motioned for us to come join him and my heart softened
To see my dear friend in his aviator goggles

Though a doghouse is an odd thing to go aloft in
The beagle was just as much eagle as he was mammal
A suitable foe indeed for Von Richtoffen

Doghouse was in his heart a Sopwith camel
And little dog a Hercules and a Sampson
Felt warm and safe until I heard a rumble

And saw behind us a Fokker painted crimson
Brave Snoopy’s house weaved past the spitting Spandaus,
Shot back with his Vickers like many a noble Briton

Who’d lost his life fulfilling wartime vows
But who better than a dog to be in a dogfight
Taking on the Red Baron in a doghouse

Though we shook and flew rough, the ace laughed in delight
Even with the hungry Fokker seeking blood
For the Baron was having just as hard a flight

And with his Vickers Snoopy mad himself understood
That things would not turn out as the Kaiser planned
And that it would do the Germans little good

To avenge the murder of Archduke Ferdinand
It was looking ludicrous and not quite sane
The Baron’s plane seemed destined for the ground.

Smoke billowed from the wing of the Baron’s plane
And the dying Fokker started to spin and reel,
And Manfred Von Richtoffen once again went down

So Snoopy’s nemesis had his fate sealed
I’d seen it before and damn it wasn’t pretty
What hits the ground, the dead take for a meal

They tear through skin with teeth that have no pity
Swallowing hearts and livers and chomping intestines
We flew past the carnage to other parts of the city

To continue to validate my bleak existence
Snoopy idled the plane above a fenced in compound
So I could see a sight for which I was destined

There was a girl in black leather and men were gathered round
As she swayed about in her mock ecstasy
Imagining themselves bruised, beaten bound

Said Linus “is that not a sight to see?
Before you is my crabby sister Lucy
Who could make no living at nickel psychiatry

She’s found a niche being teasing and abusive
She might not give you a chance to kick that football
But other offers aren’t quite as elusive.”

And outside seeking to make the fence fall
Was Freida without her naturally curly hair
I laughed to see the arrogant bitch gone bald

It would have been too much for her to bear
Amidst the zombies, Marcy was gnawing Patty
Her sandaled superior no longer called sir

Among them Pigmen no longer seemed ratty
Each one had a cloud of flies and nasty odor
A toothless Peggie Jean, no longer pretty

Wouldn’t make me shy, but I pitied Schroder
Still pounding idly away at his toy piano
Rewarded with only noise for his musical fervor

I broke down and begged for Linus to let me go
“Why take me out here and show me the world I sick?”
Gentle Linus replied, “I’ve one thing one thing left to show

You.” I trusted him and knew that it was no trick
For Linus Van Pelt was a man of piety
Snoopy landed at an empty lot where Linus showed me a stick

Not quite a stick, for pine needles clung to it idly
First green I’d seen to whether the disaster
He said “once you would have called this thing a Christmas tree

And trimmed it with all the caring you could muster
It lives, though society has tumbled down.
Keep this tree and here’s a nickel to pay for my sister.”

They flew me home quick and left me on my own
And called behind them with utmost holiday cheer
“Merry Posthuman Zombie Christmas, Charlie Brown!”


And Merry Christmas to my fans, my friends, my family and my Bizarro cohorts!