In case you don't know, Legumeman Books is the leading (maybe only) publisher of Australian Bizarro and being Australian, they love giving things away. For they believe that like their primitive boomerangs, good karma will return to them if thrown out there. To celebrate Aussie Bizarro and to conquer America with it Yahoo Serious style, Legumeman has asked me to formulate a contest. So, I had to think what is Australian Bizarro? One thing stood out in my mind, the film Kangaroo Jack. The person who sends me the best positive review of Kangaroo Jack or piece of Kangaroo Jack fan fiction by May 10th will get the entire Legumeman back catalog including Wonderland book award finalist A Million Versions of Right, very good book Archelon Ranch and book I should read Spare Key. The winner's work will be posted on my new film blog Dollar Bin Massacre where me, Leza Cantoral and Jordan Krall shall publicly mock it. Send all entries to me via Facebook message or to thecentercannothold@gmail.com.
DISCLAIMER: Paul Hogan, Russell Crowe and those with jumbucks in their tucker bag not eligible. Garrett Cook and Legumeman or not liable for hearing loss, aneurysm or brain damage caused by watching Kangaroo Jack. Christopher Walken will not apologize for Kangaroo Jack.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Ingenuity For Sale
To celebrate the things I am celebrating , I am making an offer I made ages ago when fewer people knew how the hell I was and I want to see now if some people would go for this. Thanks to Cameron Pierce for the first suggestions. Here's the deal, for five dollars, you can get a custom made Garrett Cook story in your inbox within five days or your money back. You provide me with a character, a place and a theme. No matter how weird it is. If Jimmy Stewart is at an earwax convention and the theme is gay marriage should be legalized, I'll make it happen for at least 1000 words. Also, I'm offering Bizarro book prompts. Three days, three dollars, three ideas that you can cannibalize and call your own or just marvel at the fun strangeness that came out. I'm not guaranteeing surrealist success, but I am guaranteeing a few neat ideas to explore and play with. Even one element you can use is worth three dollars. Or you could buy the ideas, pick a weird one you like and make me do it for 1000 words. Your choice. Either way, I think it could be a fun experiment.
Custom Story sent to you within five days, one thousand words. Pick a character, a location and a theme when you buy this. $5
Three Bizarro book ideas
Custom Story sent to you within five days, one thousand words. Pick a character, a location and a theme when you buy this. $5
Three Bizarro book ideas
Monday, April 19, 2010
Some News
So, first of all, I'd like to thank the admins of the Facebook group I Bet I Can Find 10,000 people that think that Bizarro Fiction is Awesome for naming Megaspotlight Author of the Month. Thanks, Kevin and Christy! I love you guys.
And speaking of people I love, I'm happy to be working with my girlfriend, Leza Cantoral and my friend and Bizarro colleague Jordan Krall, the biggest cult film nut I know on a new film blog, Dollar Bin Massacre, reviewing the chaff of the chaff and the cream of the crap crop alike. The first film Leza and I watched is Savage Weekend starring the incomparable William Sanderson. Jordan hasn't watched it yet, but I can't wait to hear what he has to say when he does! Check out the blog here: http://dollarbinmassacre.blogspot.com
If you want to join me in celebrating, there's a couple things you can do. If you've already read my books and haven't put up reviews, you could review them on Amazon or Goodreads or your own blog. Especially if (unlike this blog) people read it all the time. You could also if you haven't bought my existing books, buy them. The bibliography tab is clickable and has links to the Amazon pages for each book and reviews of them too! Awesome, huh? If you've read my existing books, you can provide me with grocery money AND get free chapters of weird pulp serials in your email box (usually on Sunday unless I'm running behind) by preordering Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective. You're going to like this book and you're going to like the stuff you get in your box, which I'm working on amping up more. Get it here: http://jimmyplush.blogspot.com/2010/04/preorders-still-available.html
Lastly, you can celebrate with me by buying books from some of my good friends like Kevin Shamel, Jordan Krall, Eric Mays, Cameron Pierce, Jeff Burk, Gina Ranalli, Andersen Prunty and even that wacky Bradley Sands. Bizarro writers are always there for each other, so when you do good for one of us, you do good for all of us. Also, celebrate Shakespeare's birthday with both me and Eric Mays. Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective will be working on one of history's greatest mysteries to mark the occasion. So, thanks existing fans, thanks new fans and thank you to all my Bizarro colleagues for being able to share good news like this.
And speaking of people I love, I'm happy to be working with my girlfriend, Leza Cantoral and my friend and Bizarro colleague Jordan Krall, the biggest cult film nut I know on a new film blog, Dollar Bin Massacre, reviewing the chaff of the chaff and the cream of the crap crop alike. The first film Leza and I watched is Savage Weekend starring the incomparable William Sanderson. Jordan hasn't watched it yet, but I can't wait to hear what he has to say when he does! Check out the blog here: http://dollarbinmassacre.blogspot.com
If you want to join me in celebrating, there's a couple things you can do. If you've already read my books and haven't put up reviews, you could review them on Amazon or Goodreads or your own blog. Especially if (unlike this blog) people read it all the time. You could also if you haven't bought my existing books, buy them. The bibliography tab is clickable and has links to the Amazon pages for each book and reviews of them too! Awesome, huh? If you've read my existing books, you can provide me with grocery money AND get free chapters of weird pulp serials in your email box (usually on Sunday unless I'm running behind) by preordering Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective. You're going to like this book and you're going to like the stuff you get in your box, which I'm working on amping up more. Get it here: http://jimmyplush.blogspot.com/2010/04/preorders-still-available.html
Lastly, you can celebrate with me by buying books from some of my good friends like Kevin Shamel, Jordan Krall, Eric Mays, Cameron Pierce, Jeff Burk, Gina Ranalli, Andersen Prunty and even that wacky Bradley Sands. Bizarro writers are always there for each other, so when you do good for one of us, you do good for all of us. Also, celebrate Shakespeare's birthday with both me and Eric Mays. Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective will be working on one of history's greatest mysteries to mark the occasion. So, thanks existing fans, thanks new fans and thank you to all my Bizarro colleagues for being able to share good news like this.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Spaghetti, Feet, Fetish Westerns, Viking Cowboys and a Teddy Bear Detective
here will be no Spaghetti at Jordan Krall's April 16th Bizarro Spagetti dinner, but there will lots of Bizarro excitement and plenty of fun. This is an event to raise awareness of Bizarro and Jordan Krall's work in particular. Jordan Krall is a writer of Neopulp Bizarro, which I feel creates a strong bond between not just my work and Jordan's but Jordan and I. His book Fistful of Feet is a violent, dirty, Spaghetti Western full of fetishism and gore and created by a man with knowledge of and passion for cult films and the Western genre. So, whether you'd like to buy the book and get some cool entertainment while supporting an excellent cult writer and a good guy or just hang around and check out the Bizarro buzz and offer up encouragement for somebody making new and different literature check out the event on Facebook next Friday:
http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?topic=45&post=296&uid=113384858673927#!/event.php?eid=116145408399806
To celebrate this, I've started up a new Neopulp serial for those who have preordered Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective. Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective is my wildest book yet, an exploration of body image and identity, a series of weird mysteries and an actionpacked pulp homage. Getting on the preorder list will not only save you money on shipping in the longrun but will also give you a small discount off the cover price and chapters of special serials mailed to you in your inbox. The first of these is The Startling Sexquatch Caper, a Bizarro adventure of the real and evil Jimmy Plush, the last chapter of which goes out tomorrow to those on the list. The second of these is Halberds Johannsen, Viking Cowboy. The adventure of a cowboy that not only has a strange choice of weaponry, but lives in a world that's a bit different from the Wild West as you know it:
"Halberds Johannsen was relaxing shirtless against a fence in the hot Texas Sun. Bein’ a hot day and all, he poured some cold Dwarven ale over his rippling pecs to cool them off. The ale on his pecs certainly didn’t help the elf maids that watched cause they found themselves feelin’ mighty hot and maybe inclined to remove some garments of their own. But, Halberds Johannsen already had two ladies in his life, Honor and Justice. Honor and Justice were the names of his twin halberds, blessed by the ravens of Odin so he could atone for his life of rapin’ and pillagin’ the prairie. The elfmaids wouldn’t have minded so much bein’ raped and pillaged, but Halberds just wanted to bake in the Sun with his faithful steed, Olaf. Of course, this was not to be, since neither Vikings nor cowboys led lives of leisure and Halberds was both.
The boy came running into town, waving his arms and screaming. A mutt of a kid, half Mexican, half orc, he’d been run out of town by the sheriff so had taken to living with the Indians in the desert. Halberds walked away from the fence to see what had caused the boy’s commotion. He knew that if Pepito had come into town running and screaming, there was real trouble.
“Vat seems to be the trooble?” Halberds asked the boy.
“Meester Halberds, boss Sampson and his ogres are goin’ to demolish the town to make room for the railroads!”
Halberds gave out a mighty bellow of rage.
“Not if these two halberds have anything to say about it…”
Get the first chapter of Halberds Johannsen, Viking Cowboy in your inbox tomorrow, as well as The Startling Sexquatch Caper by preordering Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective here:
http://jimmyplush.blogspot.com/2010/04/preorders-still-available.html
Hop on the wagontrain of werid and support Bizarro by checking out The Spaghetti Dinner and/or preordering Jimmy Plush!
http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?topic=45&post=296&uid=113384858673927#!/event.php?eid=116145408399806
To celebrate this, I've started up a new Neopulp serial for those who have preordered Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective. Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective is my wildest book yet, an exploration of body image and identity, a series of weird mysteries and an actionpacked pulp homage. Getting on the preorder list will not only save you money on shipping in the longrun but will also give you a small discount off the cover price and chapters of special serials mailed to you in your inbox. The first of these is The Startling Sexquatch Caper, a Bizarro adventure of the real and evil Jimmy Plush, the last chapter of which goes out tomorrow to those on the list. The second of these is Halberds Johannsen, Viking Cowboy. The adventure of a cowboy that not only has a strange choice of weaponry, but lives in a world that's a bit different from the Wild West as you know it:
"Halberds Johannsen was relaxing shirtless against a fence in the hot Texas Sun. Bein’ a hot day and all, he poured some cold Dwarven ale over his rippling pecs to cool them off. The ale on his pecs certainly didn’t help the elf maids that watched cause they found themselves feelin’ mighty hot and maybe inclined to remove some garments of their own. But, Halberds Johannsen already had two ladies in his life, Honor and Justice. Honor and Justice were the names of his twin halberds, blessed by the ravens of Odin so he could atone for his life of rapin’ and pillagin’ the prairie. The elfmaids wouldn’t have minded so much bein’ raped and pillaged, but Halberds just wanted to bake in the Sun with his faithful steed, Olaf. Of course, this was not to be, since neither Vikings nor cowboys led lives of leisure and Halberds was both.
The boy came running into town, waving his arms and screaming. A mutt of a kid, half Mexican, half orc, he’d been run out of town by the sheriff so had taken to living with the Indians in the desert. Halberds walked away from the fence to see what had caused the boy’s commotion. He knew that if Pepito had come into town running and screaming, there was real trouble.
“Vat seems to be the trooble?” Halberds asked the boy.
“Meester Halberds, boss Sampson and his ogres are goin’ to demolish the town to make room for the railroads!”
Halberds gave out a mighty bellow of rage.
“Not if these two halberds have anything to say about it…”
Get the first chapter of Halberds Johannsen, Viking Cowboy in your inbox tomorrow, as well as The Startling Sexquatch Caper by preordering Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective here:
http://jimmyplush.blogspot.com/2010/04/preorders-still-available.html
Hop on the wagontrain of werid and support Bizarro by checking out The Spaghetti Dinner and/or preordering Jimmy Plush!
Monday, April 5, 2010
Some Very Rotten Little Animals!
It's Rotten Little Animals Day, so...BUY IT SCUMBAGS! Kevin Shamel' s superfun antisocial animal adventure is fun for all ages...except for children and old people. Mostly just fun for those between 18 and 59, but that's fun for a 41 year range. Ten dollars isn't bad for 41 years of fun. That's about a quarter a year for fun. Anyway, it's a funass experience so if you're not some kind of sissy little funbitch who can't take too much fun because you suck or because you're 17 or younger or 60 or older like a sucker you're missing out on a lot, you fartassed rapebait semenpants bastards. If you don't like being smacked with a brick by me, buy this book here: http://www.amazon.com/Rotten-Little-Animals-Kevin-Shamel/dp/193392991X/ref=pd_ts_b_78?ie=UTF8&s=books
Also, if you like rotten little stuffed animals, Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective preorders are still available here:
http://jimmyplush.blogspot.com/2010/04/preorders-still-available.html
Preorders come with free PDFs of some of my other books and chapters of a special Jimmy Plush serial starring the real and reprehensible Jimmy Plush, one of the main antagonists of Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective.
While I'm being pushy and a dick, join this Facebook group:
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=113384858673927&ref=mf
Stand up for Bizarro by buying it and sending out your good vibes.
Also, if you like rotten little stuffed animals, Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective preorders are still available here:
http://jimmyplush.blogspot.com/2010/04/preorders-still-available.html
Preorders come with free PDFs of some of my other books and chapters of a special Jimmy Plush serial starring the real and reprehensible Jimmy Plush, one of the main antagonists of Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective.
While I'm being pushy and a dick, join this Facebook group:
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=113384858673927&ref=mf
Stand up for Bizarro by buying it and sending out your good vibes.
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