Monday, February 2, 2009

Urban Legends Debunked: the Sasquatch

The sasquatch is not so much an urban legend as a cryptid, but I feel it important to finally give everybody the real story on this gentle but blurry manape. He's been sighted all around the world in all kinds of different contexts, but seems native to the US, he's frequently helpful and curious but very protective of his identity. He moves quickly and disappears into the scenery. The traits of the sasquatch sound an awful lot like those of another celebrity whose name begins with an S. That's right, Superman.
"That's ridiculous," you say, "Superman wears a cape."
Well, you bastard, I'm getting to that.
During the sixties, superfoe Lex Luthor under the guise of one "Richard Nixon" engineered a plot so devious that the Legion of Doom threaten to expel him out of sheer disgust for it. The first step was to fake the death of CIA super-assassin and alien shapeshifter Marilyn Monroe in order to get Frank Sinatra to shoot then president JFK. Superman arrived on the scene to thwart the assassination, but did not expect to be the target of the hypnobeams Monroe fired from her nipples. Luthor had ordered her to destroy the Man of Steel, but Marilyn's soft heart got in the way again. During their many scraps on the set of Billy Wilder movies, the alien killer/troubled actress had fallen for the wrong man. Her background in Native American folklore helped her conceive of a way to let the Man of Steel carry on his battle for truth, justice and the American way in secret, by hypnotically suggesting that Superman was the sasquatch and finishing the illusion by trapping him in a cheap, sasquatch suit with a visible wristwatch (hence idiot skeptics and their accusations of faked bigfoot sitings) and since then, he has blurred through America righting wrongs and occasionally molesting wayward campers. Hey, even Superman has urges.

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