Robert Dunbar, author of The Shore and Martyrs and Monsters said of Murderland part 1: h8:
"Perhaps he’s right. Perhaps that meat cleaver is our best hope for salvation. Or maybe he belongs in an asylum. MURDERLAND is a brutally shocking book. Demented. Logical. Disturbing. It can be crudely powerful one moment, tenderly skillful the next, so the reader never knows what’s coming. There’s no way to prepare. No way to protect yourself. Garrett Cook’s work has an edge … and it’s at your throat. "
~ Robert Dunbar, author of THE SHORE and MARTYRS & MONSTERS
Gina Ranalli, author of Sky Tongues, House of Fallen Leaves, Swarm of Flying Eyeballs and a lot of other Bizarro treats said:
"the offbeat brilliance of this book will freak your face off!"
Bravenewworks.com said of it:
"A savage, very original satire that openly mocks the American demigod-like worship of worthless celebrity with a future where despicable murderers become our new focus of adoration. It's as farcical as Swift's "A Modest Proposal," yet no less poignant."-
bravenewworks.com
And what do I say? I say that to celebrate the coming of October and the release of Murderland 2:Life During Wartime, I'm going to give readers a chance to read Murderland part 1:h8 in PDF format for only a dollar. But, I'm only doing this until midnight October 3rd. So, if you want to find out what the buzz has been about, this is a good, cheap opportunity. Just click the Paypal button and I'll email you one along with heartfelt thanks for your interest in my work and for the first ten people a Halloween haiku from my Funclub chapbook. Enjoy!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Life During Wartime Now available Archelon Ranch at Horrormall auction house.
The sequel to Murderland part 1:h8 is here! Check out the bibliography tab to your right to find out more or get one of four signed copies sent to you. There is a chance I will make a copy of this available at the Horrormall auction house, but that chance is slim since I plan on bringing copies to Bizarrocon.
Those of you who want to get primordial Bizarro mindfuck for even cheaper than you can on this page can bid on it at the Horrormall auction house. This book has gorgeous cover art by Jude Coulter-Pultz and not only looks, but I feel IS fantastic. You should grab this one.
Members of my Funclub get both of these books, but otherwise there's only five chances left for a signed Archelon Ranch and possibly four for Life During Wartime.
Those of you who want to get primordial Bizarro mindfuck for even cheaper than you can on this page can bid on it at the Horrormall auction house. This book has gorgeous cover art by Jude Coulter-Pultz and not only looks, but I feel IS fantastic. You should grab this one.
Members of my Funclub get both of these books, but otherwise there's only five chances left for a signed Archelon Ranch and possibly four for Life During Wartime.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Jimmy Plush cover mock up
Here's a cover mock up by artist Lev Cantoral for Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective coming soon from Eraserhead Press:
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Read an excerpt here: http://thegarrettcook.blogspot.com/2009/09/excerpt-from-jimmy-plush-teddy-bear.html and the back cover description here: http://thegarrettcook.blogspot.com/2009/09/exciting-news.html
Preorders only open until October 12th.
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Read an excerpt here: http://thegarrettcook.blogspot.com/2009/09/excerpt-from-jimmy-plush-teddy-bear.html and the back cover description here: http://thegarrettcook.blogspot.com/2009/09/exciting-news.html
Preorders only open until October 12th.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Archelon Ranch is here!
Answer the call of Archelon Ranch now! My book Archelon Ranch (which you can find out more about by clicking Archelon Ranch on my bibliography tab) is now available here or on Amazon. If you get it directly from me, the copy will be signed and will cost a mere seven dollars. Either way, you have what I promise will be an exciting, weird and fun book. Members of my Funclub will be sent signed copies of this book, along with Murderland Part 2:Life During Wartime and when it comes out, a copy of Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective. All of these books are signed. To celebrate Archelon Ranch coming out, I'm going to enter anybody who joins the Funclub into the Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective handmade teddy bear raffle. But only if you join before midnight tonight, central time. (That's 11 eastern) So, get on these offers while you still can. I'm only selling Funclub Memberships, Plush preorders and signed Archelon Ranch until the 12th of October.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
An Excerpt from Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective coming soon from Eraserhead Press
Mr. Plush and the Dead Horse
Being a gumshoe is stressful. Being a gumshoe in the body of a three foot teddy bear is a hell of a lot more stressful than that. So I decided to take the day off for once. Since trading my body to that bastard teddy bear to pay off my gambling debts, the closest thing I’d gotten to time off was time spent face down in an alley unconscious. And unlike some people, I wasn’t there for leisure. I knew this day would start off with a couple of annoyances, but I thought it would end at that. The first one, I’d figured on. Having no private residence, I had a tendency to sleep in my office. I also had a lapdog of a Chinese chauffeur that had a habit of waiting outside with my limo ready to go and a tragic attempt at coffee in his hand. I stepped outside, and I was right. There was Chan with coffee staler than politics and pictures. I sighed.
“Chan, where do they grow the coffee in China?”
Even for a Chinaman, Chan went stiff.
“They do not grow coffee in China, Mot Honored Mister Plush.”
I took the coffee from him. This was an important part of my morning ritual lately.
“Do you wanna know why they don’t grow coffee in China, Chan?”
He sighed. There was anger behind his slanty subhuman eyes.
“Yes, Mister Plush. I would like to know why.”
I tossed the coffee in his face as I did every morning. The coffee was piping hot. Good old Chan. Even confronted with certain scalding he wouldn’t serve me lukewarm coffee.
“That is the worst damn coffee I’ve ever had. You run somebody’s laundry through the pot?”
Chan folded his hands and bowed.
“Humblest apologies. Does Most Honored Mister Plush require breakfast? Or to be driven somewhere?”
“Does sycophantic Chan want to lose his job and have to make noodles for a living?” It’s important to be firm with one’s chauffeur.
“Chan is very sorry.” He bowed again. Chan bowed pretty often. Unavoidable when a kid hears Confucius in the nursery.
“I’m taking the day off, Chan.”
Chan looked at me as if I were the one that talked goofy all the time.
“Are you certain Mister Plush, there is a lot to be done, there is especially the matter of…”
I didn’t even wanna think about it.
“It can wait. He’ll wait.”
Chan laughed. “I do not think I would take getting shot as lightly as you have.”
“I don’t take it lightly, Chan. I got no leads, and I’m burnt out, so scram!”
Chan shrugged, got in the limo and drove off.
This left me alone. I called Jean and invited her to dinner. She said seven. I said not to wear the fox suit. She said I could go to Hell. I asked if she had any messages for her mother. She asked about the mess in her kitchen. I said I’d see her at seven and hung up, taking my phone off the hook afterwards. Within five minutes, I started pouring myself drinks. I was bored to tears. I shouldn't have been.
There was a knock on the door. Chan was starting to make me real angry. How could people with so much opium in their country be so utterly against relaxation? I opened my door, wishing the chinaman had made me two cups of coffee. I wouldn’t drink the second one either. But it wasn’t Chan at the door. It was a pony wearing a police cap. There was a whistle and a badge around his neck. It seemed like the sort of thing that would be a bad omen. What did my granny from the old country say about a pony on your doorstep? Made me wish I hadn’t given up my memories during the transfer so I’d know things like that, like if I had a granny or where the hell the old country was.
“Sorry, pal,” I said to the pony, “this ain’t a stable and I’m closed for the day.”
“Listen, Plush,” the pony shot back in a voice that reminded me a little of Gary Cooper, “you don’t like me and I don’t like you, but I’ve got a problem. I’m gonna set aside my prejudices so we can make this town a little less awful.”
“Not interested. Go find yourself some oats and leave me alone, Seabiscuit.”
The pony got in my face.
“I don’t think you understand. I’ve got three dead city councilmen and a dead socialite. Think about it, four prospective kidnap victims. If they keep bumping off these people, there will be nobody to kidnap and murder’s one per customer, Plush. How long do you think a shameless shamus like yourself’s gonna last in a city where all the victims are already dead?”
He had a point. If I was going to maintain this lifestyle, I couldn’t have somebody icing every client that could pay me. Maybe I didn’t want to maintain this lifestyle, but when you’re a teddy bear with a bad reputation and nothing going for you but a chauffeur an office with “Jimmy Plush, Detective” on the door and a custom teddy bear handgun there usually ain’t many career paths open for you.
“Okay, horsey, you’ve got my attention. Now give me the details. Come on in.”
But before he could, three shots rang out and he was good as glue. If a pony on my doorstep was a bad omen (and I couldn’t really tell if it was), then a dead pony on my doorstep was an awful one and a dead pony on my doorstep that had a badge was a disaster. I had to sort this out and I needed to do it fast.
Lucky for me, Chan had not really taken off, but had instead parked the limo in an alley nearby and waited for me to change my mind. He pulled up to the curb, got out and gave me a bow. Even though I needed him now, I was not happy about this.
“I guess they don’t have days off in China either, huh?”
Chan smiled.
“And yet, I’m not the one with a dead policeman on my doorstep.”
“Who is he? He knew the real Plush and hated him. Must have been a pretty good egg. For a pony.”
Chan’s smile turned into a frown.
“He was. His name was Horskowitz. He was an honest cop, not into the same things the others are. He tried to put some of them away for corruption, so they beat him up, transferred him into the body of a pony. He didn’t quit. He felt that only showed how much he was needed. In my opinion, he was right.”
I could only think of one man that could be behind this.
“Chan, take me to J.L Wong’s.”
The scenery on the way to J.L Wong’s was pretty much the same tableau of heartbreak I was used to; Furries in species drag ranging from strap-on sporting mice to Murray the Monogram Unicorn waiting for clients against every lamppost, ugly hoods carrying violin cases, businessmen looking for a den where they could chase the dragon, a Chinatown that the Orientals were afraid to even go near. Same hell-on-earth where most of my cases ended up leading. Or was it? There was a giant black cloth covering the side of the street. Something huge was underneath, something the size of a few buildings or a gigantic warehouse. I hadn’t seen any construction or demolition going on last time I was here, and last time I was here was two days ago. Identical obese quintuplets in pink pinstripe suits stood outside guarding it. They were trying too hard to act natural.
“Chan, stop!” By the time I’d said it, he’d already stopped.
I got out since I had a sneaking suspicion that these five gentlemen might have had something to do with my case.
“Nice weather we’re havin’, huh?”
“Yes,” they said in unison.
“So…gentlemen, what’s under the cloth?”
“A carnival,” they replied, again in unison.
“It’ll never work,” I told them as I walked back to the car,“this town’s already too much fun.”
You can preorder Jimmy Plush, Detective right here. Remember that the limited edition gives you a chance to win your very own Jimmy Plush! Members of my funclub automatically get a preorder, but are not entered into the teddy bear raffle.
Being a gumshoe is stressful. Being a gumshoe in the body of a three foot teddy bear is a hell of a lot more stressful than that. So I decided to take the day off for once. Since trading my body to that bastard teddy bear to pay off my gambling debts, the closest thing I’d gotten to time off was time spent face down in an alley unconscious. And unlike some people, I wasn’t there for leisure. I knew this day would start off with a couple of annoyances, but I thought it would end at that. The first one, I’d figured on. Having no private residence, I had a tendency to sleep in my office. I also had a lapdog of a Chinese chauffeur that had a habit of waiting outside with my limo ready to go and a tragic attempt at coffee in his hand. I stepped outside, and I was right. There was Chan with coffee staler than politics and pictures. I sighed.
“Chan, where do they grow the coffee in China?”
Even for a Chinaman, Chan went stiff.
“They do not grow coffee in China, Mot Honored Mister Plush.”
I took the coffee from him. This was an important part of my morning ritual lately.
“Do you wanna know why they don’t grow coffee in China, Chan?”
He sighed. There was anger behind his slanty subhuman eyes.
“Yes, Mister Plush. I would like to know why.”
I tossed the coffee in his face as I did every morning. The coffee was piping hot. Good old Chan. Even confronted with certain scalding he wouldn’t serve me lukewarm coffee.
“That is the worst damn coffee I’ve ever had. You run somebody’s laundry through the pot?”
Chan folded his hands and bowed.
“Humblest apologies. Does Most Honored Mister Plush require breakfast? Or to be driven somewhere?”
“Does sycophantic Chan want to lose his job and have to make noodles for a living?” It’s important to be firm with one’s chauffeur.
“Chan is very sorry.” He bowed again. Chan bowed pretty often. Unavoidable when a kid hears Confucius in the nursery.
“I’m taking the day off, Chan.”
Chan looked at me as if I were the one that talked goofy all the time.
“Are you certain Mister Plush, there is a lot to be done, there is especially the matter of…”
I didn’t even wanna think about it.
“It can wait. He’ll wait.”
Chan laughed. “I do not think I would take getting shot as lightly as you have.”
“I don’t take it lightly, Chan. I got no leads, and I’m burnt out, so scram!”
Chan shrugged, got in the limo and drove off.
This left me alone. I called Jean and invited her to dinner. She said seven. I said not to wear the fox suit. She said I could go to Hell. I asked if she had any messages for her mother. She asked about the mess in her kitchen. I said I’d see her at seven and hung up, taking my phone off the hook afterwards. Within five minutes, I started pouring myself drinks. I was bored to tears. I shouldn't have been.
There was a knock on the door. Chan was starting to make me real angry. How could people with so much opium in their country be so utterly against relaxation? I opened my door, wishing the chinaman had made me two cups of coffee. I wouldn’t drink the second one either. But it wasn’t Chan at the door. It was a pony wearing a police cap. There was a whistle and a badge around his neck. It seemed like the sort of thing that would be a bad omen. What did my granny from the old country say about a pony on your doorstep? Made me wish I hadn’t given up my memories during the transfer so I’d know things like that, like if I had a granny or where the hell the old country was.
“Sorry, pal,” I said to the pony, “this ain’t a stable and I’m closed for the day.”
“Listen, Plush,” the pony shot back in a voice that reminded me a little of Gary Cooper, “you don’t like me and I don’t like you, but I’ve got a problem. I’m gonna set aside my prejudices so we can make this town a little less awful.”
“Not interested. Go find yourself some oats and leave me alone, Seabiscuit.”
The pony got in my face.
“I don’t think you understand. I’ve got three dead city councilmen and a dead socialite. Think about it, four prospective kidnap victims. If they keep bumping off these people, there will be nobody to kidnap and murder’s one per customer, Plush. How long do you think a shameless shamus like yourself’s gonna last in a city where all the victims are already dead?”
He had a point. If I was going to maintain this lifestyle, I couldn’t have somebody icing every client that could pay me. Maybe I didn’t want to maintain this lifestyle, but when you’re a teddy bear with a bad reputation and nothing going for you but a chauffeur an office with “Jimmy Plush, Detective” on the door and a custom teddy bear handgun there usually ain’t many career paths open for you.
“Okay, horsey, you’ve got my attention. Now give me the details. Come on in.”
But before he could, three shots rang out and he was good as glue. If a pony on my doorstep was a bad omen (and I couldn’t really tell if it was), then a dead pony on my doorstep was an awful one and a dead pony on my doorstep that had a badge was a disaster. I had to sort this out and I needed to do it fast.
Lucky for me, Chan had not really taken off, but had instead parked the limo in an alley nearby and waited for me to change my mind. He pulled up to the curb, got out and gave me a bow. Even though I needed him now, I was not happy about this.
“I guess they don’t have days off in China either, huh?”
Chan smiled.
“And yet, I’m not the one with a dead policeman on my doorstep.”
“Who is he? He knew the real Plush and hated him. Must have been a pretty good egg. For a pony.”
Chan’s smile turned into a frown.
“He was. His name was Horskowitz. He was an honest cop, not into the same things the others are. He tried to put some of them away for corruption, so they beat him up, transferred him into the body of a pony. He didn’t quit. He felt that only showed how much he was needed. In my opinion, he was right.”
I could only think of one man that could be behind this.
“Chan, take me to J.L Wong’s.”
The scenery on the way to J.L Wong’s was pretty much the same tableau of heartbreak I was used to; Furries in species drag ranging from strap-on sporting mice to Murray the Monogram Unicorn waiting for clients against every lamppost, ugly hoods carrying violin cases, businessmen looking for a den where they could chase the dragon, a Chinatown that the Orientals were afraid to even go near. Same hell-on-earth where most of my cases ended up leading. Or was it? There was a giant black cloth covering the side of the street. Something huge was underneath, something the size of a few buildings or a gigantic warehouse. I hadn’t seen any construction or demolition going on last time I was here, and last time I was here was two days ago. Identical obese quintuplets in pink pinstripe suits stood outside guarding it. They were trying too hard to act natural.
“Chan, stop!” By the time I’d said it, he’d already stopped.
I got out since I had a sneaking suspicion that these five gentlemen might have had something to do with my case.
“Nice weather we’re havin’, huh?”
“Yes,” they said in unison.
“So…gentlemen, what’s under the cloth?”
“A carnival,” they replied, again in unison.
“It’ll never work,” I told them as I walked back to the car,“this town’s already too much fun.”
You can preorder Jimmy Plush, Detective right here. Remember that the limited edition gives you a chance to win your very own Jimmy Plush! Members of my funclub automatically get a preorder, but are not entered into the teddy bear raffle.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
My current offers
So you don't have to scroll down: Offers
You can get these things right here by clicking the appropriate "Buy Something" tab.
You can get these things right here by clicking the appropriate "Buy Something" tab.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Funclub slots are filling up fast!
We are now down to three Funclub slots and the Jimmy Plush Limited Edition preorders remain limited. If you want a chance to win your own handmade Jimmy Plush, you're going to have to get in on this before the next few runout. I only started with twenty. The next person to join the Funclub not only gets my next three books sent to their house and a free prize, but the rank of Werewolf Patrol Captain! We need YOU to lead the Funclub's elite unit of superawesome werewolves against the forces of oppression! Twenty five bucks plus ten shipping. The Funclub slots are moving fast and you can buy vodka anytime.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Special Offers Update
There are only four Funclub slots available, so get your Funclub subscription now! The Jimmy Plush limited edition preorders are also moving, so you want to jump on that one too. I am now offering six signed copies of Murderland Part 2: Life During Wartime for ten dollars plus shipping and six copies of Archelon Ranch for 7.00 plus shipping. If you want some cool Bizarro pulp, check out these great deals.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Exciting News
"You know, Garrett," you say, "I wish I could read your way-out crazy horror, pulp and Bizarro books for cheap, not having to log on Amazon and keep track of release dates and also be part of an elite cadre of awesome superfans."
A month ago, I would have told you suicide was the only answer to the quandary, but things are changing, moving faster and it's time for me to keep up with them. That's why I've started The Spectacular Seven Neopulp Expressionist Funclub. A book club, a fan club and a team of ultra-special junior space rangers rolled into one. For twenty five dollars plus ten dollars for shipping, you get: a copy of Life During Wartime (info here: http://www.evilnerdempire.com/propaganda.htm), a copy of Archelon Ranch (info here: http://www.legumeman.com/archelon%20ranch.html) , and a preorder for my upcoming book, Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective...from Eraserhead Press!
Here's what's on the back cover of that one (which is of course, the supreme arbiter of content and literary merit):
"In a city ridden with prostitute furries, cannibal cops and warehouse-sized mob bosses, I've got my work cut out for me. My name is Jimmy Plush. I'm a private detective. I'm also a teddy bear. It all started when the original Jimmy Plush entered my life, offering to take my gambling debts away if I agreed to switch bodies with him. But I didn't know that being a three-foot-high plush toy would be such a living hell, especially now that everyone in town wants a piece of me. All I've gotten out of this deal is a faithful Chinese chauffeur, a custom teddybear .45, and a girlfriend who won't take off the fox suit she turns tricks in. Now I've got to keep this town clean and try to track down the real Jimmy Plush without losing my stuffing for good. Only one thing is for sure: Life is hard when you're soft.
Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective is a high octane pulp satire. In the tradition of Sam Spade, The Shadow, Dick Tracy, Hellboy and Howard the Duck comes a new kind of hero, a hero that reminds us that the measure of a man is in his guts and his gun."
You can get this preordered through the Funclub or you could buy individual preorders for $10. There is also a $20 preorder that gets you a special signed edition with a free gift and a ticket for a raffle to win your very own cuddly but deadly stuffed Jimmy Plush. There are only twenty of the special editions available, so you might want to act fast.
You can buy any of these things by clicking on the Paypal button that corresponds to it. It's easy and fun. Especially if you're one of those people who is mesmerized by buttons.
A month ago, I would have told you suicide was the only answer to the quandary, but things are changing, moving faster and it's time for me to keep up with them. That's why I've started The Spectacular Seven Neopulp Expressionist Funclub. A book club, a fan club and a team of ultra-special junior space rangers rolled into one. For twenty five dollars plus ten dollars for shipping, you get: a copy of Life During Wartime (info here: http://www.evilnerdempire.com/propaganda.htm), a copy of Archelon Ranch (info here: http://www.legumeman.com/archelon%20ranch.html) , and a preorder for my upcoming book, Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective...from Eraserhead Press!
Here's what's on the back cover of that one (which is of course, the supreme arbiter of content and literary merit):
"In a city ridden with prostitute furries, cannibal cops and warehouse-sized mob bosses, I've got my work cut out for me. My name is Jimmy Plush. I'm a private detective. I'm also a teddy bear. It all started when the original Jimmy Plush entered my life, offering to take my gambling debts away if I agreed to switch bodies with him. But I didn't know that being a three-foot-high plush toy would be such a living hell, especially now that everyone in town wants a piece of me. All I've gotten out of this deal is a faithful Chinese chauffeur, a custom teddybear .45, and a girlfriend who won't take off the fox suit she turns tricks in. Now I've got to keep this town clean and try to track down the real Jimmy Plush without losing my stuffing for good. Only one thing is for sure: Life is hard when you're soft.
Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective is a high octane pulp satire. In the tradition of Sam Spade, The Shadow, Dick Tracy, Hellboy and Howard the Duck comes a new kind of hero, a hero that reminds us that the measure of a man is in his guts and his gun."
You can get this preordered through the Funclub or you could buy individual preorders for $10. There is also a $20 preorder that gets you a special signed edition with a free gift and a ticket for a raffle to win your very own cuddly but deadly stuffed Jimmy Plush. There are only twenty of the special editions available, so you might want to act fast.
You can buy any of these things by clicking on the Paypal button that corresponds to it. It's easy and fun. Especially if you're one of those people who is mesmerized by buttons.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Not two but...THREE books coming soon!
Not only will Archelon Ranch and Life During Wartime be coming soon, but soon I will be taking preorders for a third mystery book and offering an awesome deal to my readers when it is announced. I'll keep you all posted. This third book is gonna be violent, twisted and more fun than a barrel of monkeys. Prepare yourselves, people.
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