Every once in awhile (and by every once in awhile, I mean right now on a whim), I like to find out what's on the minds of my many, many fans, especially those who slip under the cracks and somehow end up in my spam box. Here are some of the 236 letters I received in the past seven days.
Q: Why did you leave me?
A:There were a lot of reasons. You were clingy, self-indulgent and loved to cry in public, sometimes for no reason at all. You borrowed my underwear without telling me and wet them just to make me hit you. So "Me" (as you've chosen to call yourself so as not to stoke my rage), there you have it. All the things that drove me away from you. The big, green mullet didn't help either.
Q: Where were you, man?
A: Dude, I was in Hawaii. If you knew me, you would know that I attend weekly Hawaii parties. But I guess we've been out of touch for awhile and you must have tried to meet up with me in Greenland. My Greenland phase is over. I'm a published author. Why eat BK Big Fish when you can eat caviar?
Q:Have you changed your number?
A: No, "Me", I have not changed my number, but all of these emails leave me seriously considering it. You must have missed me while I was at the big Hawaii party.
Q: Score on all the chicks tonight!
A: Not a question but thanks for the kind wishes.
Q: All designer watches! zfbw ew ibfa
A: Ibfa Ew Zbaf. Zafbif we.
Thanks, devoted fans! I'll answer more of these next week.
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