Monday, January 19, 2009

Urban Legends Debunked! This Week: Clown Abductions

Clowns are a nefarious bunch. From Lon Chaney to Bozo, to Tim Curry in It. People fear them for good reason, whether it be fear of being eaten, being stomped by pathos or simply fear of being molested and left for dead in a dumpster. It's been said since the seventies that clowns have been picking up children in white vans and killing or molesting them. This is not completely the truth. The fact is, yes, there is the occasional odd clown out who picks up children in his white van and eats them to gain immortality and favor in the eyes of the Erl King, but most clowns have another purpose, one just as sinister and far more irksome.
Clowns love I-Hop. Perhaps because I-Hop pancakes are partially made with flour ground from the bones of children. Maybe because clowns just have no taste. But, meager clown paychecks and frequent firings for their serial killing proclivities often leave them broke, with nothing to show for it but their sinister white van of doom. Clowns use this van to pick up children saying they'll take them to some magical land. Instead, they take them to I-Hop. The child is forced to eat a mediocre stoner breakfast dinner and then the clown does the old dine and dash. Children do not usually have money to pay the bills, so are forced to work in the I-Hop kitchen or made into flour for the awful pancakes. As these kitchens are filled with children the quality of food becomes more crappy and clownworthy and the dance of terror continues. If your child, has a cellphone, they'll call you to have you pick them up and you can pay the bill. But, these children are so ashamed and violated they usually won't. Since children are bad at math, unscrupulous I-Hop managers exploit this to make them work interminably. I hope you feel a bit safer now that this vicious urban legend has been debunked.


Anonymous said...

This explains so much. Thank you.

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